November 5th 2012 | Comments

What to do if a leach attacks you

As a young chum many of us will have watched the film “Stand by Me” and will still recall the infamous leach attack scene. The question remains how the heck one fends off an attack by a crack team of leaches.

Imagine the scenario; no doubt it would be a little like the scene from Stand by Me; one minute you’re happily walking through the wilderness with your walking chums and you suddenly feel something rather unpleasant.

Upon checking your body you see the worst, there is an army of blooding sucking, horrible looking killer slugs drinking your blood. Nice.

If truth be known, they won’t eat you there and then, but they do carry a whole host of nastiness such as viruses and bacteria and they are indeed feasting and sucking up your blood and they’re not going to get bored of this anytime soon.

Your first natural thought will be to simply rip them, however this would be a huge error and you would be left fragments of their jaws in your open flesh which of course is just ripe for infection.

Your next thought will be to pour salt on them or perhaps burn those blood sucking leeches, while both methods will remove them, in the process they’ll vomit your blood, directly back into your blood stream.  On one hand this is fantastic, you get your blood back, the not so good side is your blood is now super charged with armies of horrible bacteria which will lead to all sorts of things you don’t dare dream of.

Instead of acting on any of the above like a common man would after watching a children’s film, follow these simple rules.

Leeches love damp environments, think marshes, rain forests, woods and swamps. These are the playgrounds of leaches and if you dare tread onto their home turf, they will smell and hear you and they will come for you

Fredric the leach said ” I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let me drink your blood now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.”

The rule to follow here is simply dress appropriately and cover yourself in insect repellent.

If you find yourself in a leeches manor, then keep checking your skin to ensure they’re not taking a bite on you.

If you catch one of the cheeky buggers, you need to scrape it off. Do this by sliding ones fingernail sideways under its ‘oral sucker’ (not as nice as one would think) which is located at its thin end. It’s worth pointing out to do this part slowly and carefully.

Once you have lifted away the thin end, slide your finger promptly under the fatter end in order to remove it in full. The pesky leech will not give up easily, but you’re a gentleman and you will prevail.

Once you’ve stopped juddering, check the rest of body. If you’ve found one leech then you’re likely to find another.

And finally clean all your leech wounds to ensure they don’t become infected. Then walk on to the pub and live to love another day.