October 17th 2012 | Comments

How to survive if your parachute doesn’t open

Every now and then as an adventurous gentleman you will find yourself tens of thousands of feet up in the air, floating through the fluffy clouds like superman. But what do you do if you pull the cord on ones parachute and the blasted thing doesn’t open? To say you’d be in somewhat of a pickle is a understatement.

Stay calm, make a cup of tea and follow these steps;

Step 1
Upon realisation that your parachute has failed to open, you must indicate this to a fellow cloud surfing sky chum* who has yet to open their own chute. A good way to do this is to simply wave ones arms around and point at your chute.

Step 2
Providing your fellow sky chum is a A) a gentleman and B) doesn’t owe you money they will hopefully move over towards you. As soon as you are both face to face you must lock arms.

Step 3
The next stage is to secure yourself, do this by hooking your arms right the way up to your elbows into your sky chums chest strap or through both sides of the front of their harness, once yours arms are in place lock the position by grabbing hold of your own strap.

At this moment both yourself and your sky chum will be hurtling through the sky at terminal velocity which is approx 130 miles per hour and due to your combined weight mother nature will be throwing all kinds of somewhat unpleasant forces of nature at you both.

Tally Ho!

Step 4
Its a good idea at this stage for your sky chum to open his parachute, once this happens you will experience a very nasty massive shock, that if your lucky will only break your arms or at the very least pop them out of their sockets. This will hurt, but don’t cry no one likes a cry baby.

Step 5
Your live saving sky chum will now have to keep hold of you with one hand and use the other to steer the canopy, if their chute is large then your descent will be hopefully slow and enjoyable (well apart from the pain in your broken arms) until you land and if you’re lucky you may get away with a single broken leg. However if it is a small canopy they will have to steer hard to slow things down and the landing will be much worse.

If there is a sufficient body of water close by then its a good idea to head for that and you should get ready to tread some water, its worth pointing out that if you do land in water you will have to rely on your sky chum to get you to safety quickly before your chute takes on water and you go under.

Top Tip – Before attempting to jump out of a plane make your parachute is in good working order and perfectly packed.

*no sky chum? Simply flap your arms and fly away to safety.