As you might have noticed, we at Socked would probably sell our own grandmothers for a bit of publicity, and it crossed our mind that we should set up our own television channel. Sort of a posh version of ‘Dave’. Called ‘David’.

Then we saw how much it would cost and went for a lie down in our nice, cosy and ultimately very black stock room. So, our advice to anybody trying to set up their own TV channel is this:

– Be very, very rich. Or,

– Know somebody who is very, very rich with a relaxed attitude to never seeing their money ever again.

The first thing you’ve got to do before you can even think of setting up your TV channel is to apply for a licence to broadcast from Ofcom. Cost: £2,500, annually. And that’s probably the cheapest part of the process. Still with us? Good.

Alas this show will not be airing on David anytime soon

Then you’ll need studio premises, cameras, technical equipment, technical staff, presenters, lawyers, accountants, somebody to sell advertising space, somebody to make sure all the programmes and adverts go out in the right order, and somebody to make sure that nobody says the F-word on air before the watershed.

And if that seems too much like hard work, why not buy in ready-made programmes? You’ll still need somebody to make sure that nobody says the F-word on air before the watershed, because – believe it or not – some channels don’t and it’s expensive. We are aware of a certain grown-up channel who were once fined £100,000 for airing actual F-wording by mistake (instead of pretend F-wording), at a cost of £1098 per paying viewer.

Eyes watering yet? We haven’t even got to the most expensive part: Getting your pictures onto punters’ screens. We presume you’re going to use Sky, but even then you’ve got £10,000 up front just to appear on the programme guide. Every year. Then you’re going to have to pay some nice company with a big dish to bounce your signal off the satellite. £15,000 per month, last time we looked.

Then, having sold all that advertising space, you’ve got to advertise yourself, otherwise nobody’s going to watch. And you’ve got a battle on your hands – old habits die hard, and David the Channel For Gentlemen still has to prize the remote control out of the hands of committed Coronation Street and EastEnders viewers, and we wish you good luck. That naughty channel that was fined £100,000? They had ninety-one viewers. Ninety-one, and they say sex sells.

We totted this all up on a calculator and have come to this conclusion: Don’t waste your money. Spend it on socks instead.