October 9th 2013 | Comments

How to mow the lawn

As the summer draws to a close, we here at Socked are painfully aware that the lawn-mowing season is drawing to a close. However, now is the time to give it one damn good cutting before you hang up your tweed jacket and put that mower back in the shed where it belongs. Make your lawn look good now, and will should still be excellent when the growing season starts again next spring.

That’s enough of the Alan Titchmarsh advice. But how – we hear you ask – do you cut your lawn into stripes?

The answer is a simple one for the gentleman around town: Get your servant or batman to do it for you.

However, if you are not the kind of person who employs their own servants, then it is likely that you will have to cut the old croquet lawn yourself.

how to mow the lawn

My story begins at the age of eleven, intrigued by my father mowing the lawn. Foolishly, I asked if I could have a go, and within thirty seconds, Professor Socked had his feet up on the patio, a G&T in his hand, and he never touched a lawnmower again in his life. I became, from that day, an expert in the art of lawn mowing.

If you want stripes, then you’re going to have to throw away that rotor hover mower, because that’s no use at all. In fact, we urge you to instead use this electrical monstrosity as the base for your next entrant into the world of Robot Wars, armed with something your cousin picked up during his time in Afghanistan.

Get yourself a good quality cylinder mower. Even the nastiest of DIY warehouses sell them, and they can either be push-along, electrical or petrol powered. We urge you to buy a petrol one, because they’re a) awesome and b) most likely to annoy the neighbours. It also gives you a grounding in the working of the internal combustion engine, a skill that any gentleman should be proud of.

Once you have your machine up and running, the stripes are easy. It’s all about keeping the mower in a straight line. If you have to mow round an obstacle (for example: a tree, or the grave of a fallen servant who doubted your position as the head of the household), the you can set the line straight on the next pass.

Having become an expert at straight lines, you can then experiment with patterns, going diagonally to create diamonds, and then circles. You will become an expert in no time.

Amaze your friends. Mow down your enemies.