March 19th 2013 | Comments

How to make the perfect fish finger sandwich

There are times in a gentleman’s life when the servants are on their annual half-day holiday and whist the lady wife is away on a all-nighter with her friends from the Heavy Artillery Regiment, that he has that rare chance of an evening alone that allows him to indulge himself and eat any bally thing he damn well pleases.

BE WARNED! These evenings of manly indulgence are fraught with danger, as the Eddie Murphy movie marathon and the set meal from the local takeaway establishment do nothing but disappoint. Many is the time that the wife has returned home in the early hours, sprawled over a gun carriage, to the sound of her husband’s moans of “I’ve eaten too much” and “Damn, you Murphy!”

While we can do nothing for the gentleman’s taste in viewing (though we recommend for such events the EVEN numbered Star Trek sequels), we can offer this one simple rule: Less is more. The one meal the gentleman should be eating on a solo night in is the fish finger sandwich.

And also: James May is WRONG

Although May looks a fop and a gentleman, he dresses like a scruff and is 100 per cent wrong about fish finger sandwiches. We know he is incorrect because he recommends some sort of mayonnaise-based jollop as a sauce, which betrays the kind of fluffy thinking that let French restaurants into this fine country.

The idea fish finger sandwich comes with one sauce and one sauce only: Tomato. And I will fight a duel with any gentleman who says otherwise.

gin and tonic

Gin and Tonic is the ideal accompaniment to a fish finger sandwich

The process is simple

1. Prepare a gin and tonic (which will be addressed in a future How to Prepare the Ideal Gin and Tonic guide)

2. Put FIVE good quality fish fingers under a heated grill. Cook, turn, and cook again

3. Prepare another gin and tonic

4. Lightly butter two slices of fresh white bread. That’s crusty bread from a bakery-bought fresh loaf, and nothing else will do.

5. Prepare another gin and tonic

6. Spread a thin layer of tomato sauce over the bread. Arrange fish fingers with four along the bottom, one sideways across the top.

7. G&T

8. Spread another layer of tomato sauce over the fish fingers, apply top of sandwich

9. Eat in front of even-number Star Trek marathon, pausing only to shed a tear at the Spock funeral scene.

10. G&T, repeat steps 1-9 as hunger returns

This, we assure you, is the recipe for an ideal gentleman’s night in. And because the universe demands an equal and opposite reaction to all things, consider the poor chap eating his sandwich with mayonnaise in front of the odd-numbered Star Trek films. James May: You have our pity.