October 9th 2013 |
It’s one of the great dilemmas in this country: Nobody seems to be able to agree on how to make a decent cup of tea.
Bag or leaf? Pot or cup? Milk first or tea first? The nation is split hither an tither on these vital arguments, and there are times you feel that the tension is simmering just below the surface. You may think that there’s nothing quite like a cup of tea, a couple of biscuits and a nice sit down, but blood has been spilled over this.
Just don’t get us started on the biscuits.
Just don’t get us started on blasphemous ″teas″ with names like Strawberry Soother and Peppermint Poncery. They are wrong, and no gentleman should become within sniffing distance of these monstrosities.
And just don’t get us started on what they call ″tea″ the second you leave these fine isles.
To prove our point, we ran a straw poll in the lounge of our gentleman’s club just the other night. The question was simple: Tea in first, or milk in first? Alas, the room split into factions, with the tea-first types raining blows down upon the heads of the milk-first chaps. And when some poor chap said he didn’t drink tea, the mob turned on him, and it falls to the club secretary to write a short note to his widow explaining what happened.
The long and the short of it is that there should be rules on how to make a decent cup of tea, which the committee at the Drones Club have now set in stone:
- Use only freshly boiled water. Use some to heat the pot.
- Use one tea spoon of leaf tea per cup, plus one extra.
- Allow to brew for three to four minutes. It requires skills to know how long is enough.
- Pour through a strainer into a china cup
- Add milk to taste. Or, perhaps, lemon. But never both.
- Drink, with perhaps a nice biscuit or two
- Acceptable biscuit formations will be discussed at a later date
With the rise of the tea bag (an invention straight from Satan’s Anus), much of the skill has been removed from tea-making, and this nation is all the poorer for this. As a gentleman, it falls to you to ensure that proper standards are maintained and this country of ours is not dragged further into the mire.
However, we accept there are separate rules for builders, plumbers and other tradesmen:
- As many teabags as you like
- As many spoons of sugar as you like
- Milk in first
- Please don’t up the quote, and hurry up and get out of my house
All clear? Good. Time for a tea break.