How to iron your trousers

Regular readers of these advice columns will already have learned how to shine their shoes in a war zone, and how to iron a shirt without running the risk of gunshot wounds from close relatives. However, these skills are all for naught if the gentleman appears in public with badly creased trousers.

Good trouser discipline is the very bedrock on which the British Empire was founded. Historians note that the rise of Britain as a global force coincided with the switch from breeches and tights to more sensible leg wear. The enemies of Their Britannic Majesties cowered before a disciplined army and navy clad in trousers of razor-sharp creases.

Historians note that the decline of this once-great empire coincides with the marketing of “stay-creased” trousers. Without the discipline of a good trouser-ironing regime, British society has become slovenly and flabby in its market-bought trackies, and our global reputation has plummeted.

Ironing one’s own trousers need not be an onerous task. There may come a day when your manservant gets eaten by sharks and you may need a pair of trousers to attend his memorial service, for which he thoughtlessly neglected to provide a freshly-pressed pair.

1. Set up the ironing board

2. Read the instructions on the trouser label, and set the heat on the iron accordingly. Can’t read gibberish? Here’s a translation

3. Lay one leg of the trousers on the board, and arrange flat so the crease is properly aligned. Some people like to add some water with a spray gun. Others like to lay a damp tea towel on top. Each to his own, but DEATH upon the spray gun BLASPHEMERS

3-and-a-half. Don’t attempt to iron both legs at once. This may seem a shortcut, but you’ll only end up with a crooked, inferior crease. We’re looking at you.

4. Iron to a sharp crease. Turn trouser leg over and repeat on the other side. Then repeat with the other leg.

5. We’re not sure what it’s called, but iron the gentleman’s area by pulling it over the sharp end of the ironing board. Rotate the trousers and iron each bit flat in turn.

6. Allow to cool. Wear. Failure to allow your trousers to cool could result in a painful red hot zip accident. We have only made this error once.

Alternatively, stay in a lot of hotels, and use the Corby Trouser Press.

WARNING: On no account should you attempt to iron jeans. We’re looking at YOU. You will be drummed out of polite society and sent back in time to the 1970s.The only time the gentleman should be seen in denim is if he was shanghaied and forced to work in a travelling rodeo.