January 23rd 2013 | Comments

How to Hold a Gun

WARNING: A gun is not a toy.

A gentleman should never need to hold or carry a gun except under the most exceptional of circumstances. Even then, he should be aware of the extreme consequences that mishandling the weapon could have both upon himself and those around him. For example: Injury, death and blackballed from the gentlemen’s club for a period of up to – but not exceeding – thirty days.

A gentleman should never even approach a gun until he has been given a full safety brief and he is fully satisfied that he can handle and use it safely. That being said, the accomplished marksman can derive years of pleasure, be it from target shooting, firing at clays, or simply stamping around fields with other gentlemen massacring all forms of local wildlife as nature intended.

Chief Wiggum is not holding the gun correctly

For all firearms, whether firing a rifle or a pistol on a range, or a shotgun in a field, the general principles remain the same:

1. On first receiving the weapon, ensure that it is not loaded. It is poor shooting etiquette to hand someone a loaded weapon, unless there is a designated loader. If the gun is loaded, ensure that the safety is on.

2. ALWAYS point the weapon down the range. You will find your former friends stamping on your face and blackballing you from the club if you develop a tendency toward pointing guns at them. Take it from me, being shot at is not an experience I wish to repeat a second time in my life.

3. Only fire when given permission to do so. If you are one of a group of gentlemen massacring all forms of local wildlife as the nature intended (see above) it is considered poor form to shoot the beaters, as much as it is considered inappropriate to knock the helmet off a police constable after a night carousing at the Drones Club.

Little Lord Snooty Pants Goes Shooting With His Dog

4. Respect your weapon and it will respect you. You are not James Bond (unless you are accessing this page from MI6 servers) or some Gangsta rapper, so prancing about shooting one-handed is only going to get somebody killed. Probably you. Remember: Every day in the United States, there are 45 accidental shooting incidents.

5. Recoil hurts. With pistol, rifle, shotgun or Uzi 9mm, ensure your weapon is held firmly. I’ve seen Flash Harrys with broken noses because they thought they were Rambo, so if you can’t hold a deadly weapon properly, hand it over and watch from a distance.

6. BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM. Oh yes, ear defenders.

7. Ensure the magazine is empty (if it has one) and manually check the chamber is clear.

8. Store your weapon safely (not sexy slang)

9. Go home via the pub and brag about your prowess until everybody’s thoroughly sick of you.

Congratulations, you’ve just shot something. To learn how to hold a Gnu click here