March 1st 2013 |
As any gentleman adventurer will attest, the greatest risk to any expedition into the wild is an unexpected bear attack.
These curs know no fear, and will take on any foe irrespective of how British they may be. The situation is further complicated by the fact that bears have no respect for the Marquis of Queensbury Rules that govern a fair fight, and will often resort to such ungentlemanly tactics as the low blow, the eye gouge, and the tearing your head clean off with his bare paws.
This being the case, we urge any gentleman to be thoroughly prepared before venturing into any environment where wild bears may be present.
The best way to earn this preparedness is to practice fighting bears in controlled circumstances. The backroom staff at any good Gentleman’s Club will make the necessary arrangements, before heading to the colonies where danger lurks at every corner. Also, they have bears.
We at Socked recommend starting off with something small (for example, punching a sloth), before moving up to actual bears via one of the serving classes in a fur coat. If you survive this ordeal, you are ready to face any ursine danger that the wilderness may have in store.
There are three kinds of bear – Brown, Black or Polar – and your defence and eventual survival depends entirely on correct identification. Some Black Bears are brown and can climb trees. Some Brown Bears are black and cannot climb trees, but sometimes they can be white as well. Polar Bears will kill you while you try to work out if it is a Brown Bear or a Black Bear, and will use a tree as a toothpick.
Although it goes against the code of the British Gentleman, playing dead to a Brown or Polar Bear may save your life. However, a Black Bear will attack you anyway, particularly if you are made of good, tasty British flesh.
The good news, oh Gentleman Warrior, is that if you are attacked by any kind of bear, it pays to fight back. Wave your arms in the air to make yourself look bigger, and while he is distracted, a well placed kick in the fork may do the trick. This might be the last thing you ever do, but you will die in the knowledge that you have kicked a bear in the plums.
Alternatively, you should attempt to run away. Most attacks come from the bear defending its territory or food, so they will be happy to see you go. However, there may well be witnesses, and if your Club members hear of your cowardice in the face of the enemy, you might as well never return to polite society. Running in zig-zags confuses the enemy, and may well increase your survival chances, while you take pot-shots at your travelling companions to ensure nobody thinks any worse of you once you regain civilisation.
Experts say you should always carry a phone with you while in the wilderness in case of these fearful eventualities. However, 3G reception is a bit patchy in the back of beyond, so there’s little help to be had from the “Help! I’m Being Attacked By A Bear!” App.
Instead, we recommend you carry a Tesco supermarket Salmon in a sealed container: When the bear attacks, whip it out (and the salmon as well) and serve with a side salad, suitable sauces, and a chilled white wine. You may be in mortal danger, but there are no excuses to let standards drop.