June 24th 2013 | Comments

How To Choose A Royal Baby Name

As Prince William and Duchess Kate prepare to welcome their little royal bundle of joy into this world, you can be sure of the fact that they are about to make the biggest decision that any parent can make: Choosing a baby name.

A new parent’s choice of name can make or break their son or daughter in later life, so it is vital that they don’t get it wrong. Just ask my old chum whose mother and father unthinkingly landed him with the name Richard Head – his life has been cursed for decades and the words most likely to pass his lips at any given time are “Heard it”.

how to choose a royal baby name

Joke names aside, the current trend for made-up “unique” names featuring far too many apostrophes and hyphens may also cause problems and embarrassment in later years. Imagine your progeny attending a job interview, with the first question being “How exactly do you pronounce La’Vajazzle-Beyonce?”

To prevent this kind of unpleasantness, several countries have lists of approved baby names which prevent little darlings running around school playgrounds with the name “Hitler”, “iPod” or “Bumface”.

The gentleman should take heed, because unusual or so-called unique names not only cause upset in later life, but also marks you out as an unsuitable parent. In sshort: Not a gentleman, and a fitting example of why there should be a written exam before people are allowed to breed.

We at Socked – as a service to you – have put together a very short list of approved names that a gentleman and gentlewoman should consider for their new child:

1. Socked

2. Sir Sockington

3. Lady Sockington

All quality names, we are sure you’ll agree.

As for the royal couple, our advice would be first name Prince, second name Killer. Then they’d have Prince Prince Killer Wales, which both underlines the young chap’s royalness, while telling potential bullies he won’t stand for any trouble.

And if a girl, follow style icon (Are you sure? – Socked editor) Katie Price’s example and plump for Princess Tiaamii.

Alternatively, and as a favour to editors and journalists at celebrity magazines and the red-top press,  William and Kate should plump for something that is easy to type. Al. Or Lee. Or Bo. Or Di.

Because Princess Di has a certain ring to it.