May 8th 2013 | Comments

How to become a vegetarian

Gentlemen! I am sure that many of you are unreconstructed meat eaters like myself. I think nothing of heading out into the wilds with the old elephant gun, bagging myself a brace of elephant and roasting them slowly over an open flame in the traditional manner. On other occasions, I may simply take the old elephant gun down to Gregg’s and buy one of their bacon-and-cheese melt because they are tasty gorgeous.

However, a wake-up call courtesy of my Doctor led me to re-evaluate my entire life as a carnivore. I remember sitting in the old Quack’s surgery, blood still dripping off my chin from a road-kill antelope I had feasted on minutes before, as he lectured me on my expanding waist-line and a blood test that came back with the note “How is this person still alive?” One more bacon-and-cheese melt could put me six feet under, he said. “Is it worth the risk?” he thundered.

I considered my future over a bacon-and-cheese melt, and thought – dammit – I’ll give it a shove and share my experiences with the fine gentlemen at, for I owe them that much.

Happily, I found that giving up meat wasn’t as bad as expected. Firstly, our local health food shop is directly next door to Gregg’s, so I can still take advantage of their free wifi without clogging up the old arteries.

Second, came the stunning realisation that Quorn bacon tastes exactly like bacon these days ONLY WITHOUT THE KILLER BACON. Unfortunately, we are still trying to find ways of deep-frying it with cheese in a manner that won’t kill me entirely TO DEATH, but one step at a time.

How to become a vegetarian

Here’s a handy plan for you gentleman and gentlewomen who are thinking of giving up meat:

1. Make a conscious decision and stick to it. Whether it comes from the horror of eating cute, but dead, fluffy animals; or the knowledge that bacon will kill you it doesn’t really matter.

2. Eat stuff that doesn’t have meat in it. Avoid things like scurvy, rickets and dying of starvation by finding things with protein and other good things in them. Eggs are good, and only become bad once they turn into actual chickens. Try out soy alternatives which don’t taste like cardboard. Don’t try actual cardboard.

3. Trial and error. It took me weeks to discover which meat-free alternatives tasted like cardboard, compared to others which taste like weeks-old under-crackers. I’ve even – knowingly – eaten falafel and went back for more. This doesn’t make me a bad person.

4. Controversial one this: Most militant veggies (of which I am not) would hound me out of veggie club for saying this, but cave in and have a burger every now and then. With large fries and an extra-thick shake, because you’re worth it. This is especially true when travelling abroad when the words “Have you got a vegetarian option?” come across as “I’m weird, please look at me as if I am fondling myself in public”.

We here at Socked don’t like to preach, and are quite happy to see you all ignore this advice and openly feast upon spit-roast ostrich with all the trimmings. All I know is that my trousers are so loose they keep falling down in public, and that’s all thanks to a new horrible bacon-free diet. That’s what I told the magistrate, anyway.