The gentleman – even if he employs a gentleman’s gentleman to do his domestic tasks – should always be prepared for the day when he has to do his own laundry.

This could come as a hugely distressing shock to the system, especially to the young man who has had his clothes washed, pressed and returned to him every Monday by his dear mother. Motherly love is a finite resource, and once it is exhausted, you will find yourself in an earnest battle between man, washing machine and dirty sock.

The humble sock is the hardest of clothes to launder correctly. While shirts demand a separate hot wash and careful pressing to ensure the crispest, smartest of looks; and woollen leisurewear should be treated with respect lest it returns to you several sizes too small; socks have their own particular difficulties that make laundry day something akin to the Battle of Agincourt.

The most important skill demanded from sock laundry is emerging at the end of your task with the same number of socks from which you started. This is far more difficult than you think, given the ninja-like skills that socks have developed over the years to avoid being washed.

At every stage of the process, the gentleman should carry out a thorough audit of sock numbers to ensure that none have slipped away undetected. You should be aware of all sock movements:

Putting them into the wash basket
Carrying the basket to the machine
Loading the machine
Unloading the machine
Hanging the socks to dry (or loading the tumble dryer)
Returning dry socks to their correct drawer

We recommend the use of a clipboard, coupled with CCTV footage to ensure that socks are observed at all times. A dog, trained to sniff out escapees may be of use, however we found that our dwindling sock drawer was directly related to the growing number of hair-covered black rags in the dog’s basket, so your mileage may vary.

Once you have laundered your socks at the correct heat (we recommend an environmentally-friendly 30C, with coloured socks separated from the white), and thoroughly dried them, we asked the vex question: “Should a gentleman iron his socks?”

The answer is, of course: “Don’t be a fool. Of course you don’t.”

One final note: The perfect way to separate your coloured socks from your white socks is to put the black ones straight into the washing machine, and the white ones onto a bonfire. This isn’t the 80s, Buck Rogers.

In his Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy sequel Life, The Universe and Everything, the late Douglas Adams invented a concept called Bistromathics, the most complicated numbering and mathematical system in the galaxy.

Bistromathics, Adams declared, is the direct result of the fact that when a large party dines in a restaurant, it remains impossible to split the bill equally, no matter how carefully everybody is to record how much they have spent. The resulting mathematical anomalies are powerful enough to power a space craft to travel at many times the speed of light.

The gentleman, then, is likely to encounter the advanced applied mathematics of a restaurant bill on regular occasions, and he should place himself in the right state of mind to take control when the undesirable situation arises.

While it remains the simplest solution to divide the bill equally between all diners, this sensible arrangement falls over the moment somebody says “Yes, but you had wine, while I only had water”; an outburst that is closely followed by the riposte “That might be true, but you had an expensive starter, while I only had the bruschetta.” Unfortunately, that is just the opening gambit, which plays out half an hour later with a detail cost analysis of the dessert trolley and a shouted “That’s the last time I ever spend in your company!” as lifelong friendships end forever.

In the name of sanity, it falls to the gentleman to come to the rescue. We find that a calculated risk should be taken, one that will result in admiring looks from the gentlewomen, and grudging respect from the rest of your party.

The risk is this: Pay for the entire meal out of your own pocket, then announce to the rest of the table to pay you back what they think their portion of the bill should be. Invariably, the other diners will round up their payment to the nearest round figure, which, if things go well, should result in a hearty profit. The gentleman should either leave this profit as a tip, or use it to buy a round of drinks.

If, at this stage, there is still somebody working out the exact sum they spent on a calculator, you are obliged to kill them stone dead with a kebab skewer, and not a jury in the world would dare convict you.

Gentlemen, be warned! Parenthood can strike at any time, often with as little as nine months’ notice.

With this in mind, the gent should prepare himself for those occasions where he suddenly finds himself a father. These preparations, the gent should take care to note, do NOT involve a large trunk of clothes, a recently procured passport under a false name, and a one-way ticket to Argentina. The gentleman must take full parental responsibility.

Not so very long ago, the gentleman would see his offspring once just after the birth, then pack the little blighter off to boarding school and next clap eyes on the adult version at his regimental passing-out parade, or giving her away in marriage to the Colonel’s son.

However, times have changed, and the modern gentleman is now expected to play a full and involved role in the upbringing of the fruit of his loins. There are some people who say this is A Good Thing, but they went to comprehensive schools, trendy colleges and write opinion pieces for the Guardian, so what do they know?

The modern man, then, realises that parenthood is an equal partnership, shared between himself and his partner, all under the dominance of the tyrannical screaming and vomit machine they have just produced. New-born babies are simple creatures, and their wailing is by-and-large down to two factors:

• In need of food going in at the top
• In need of clearing up things coming out of the bottom

The feeding is the easy part, especially if the child is being breastfed. It is only fair, then, that the gent takes his fair share of the nappy duties, which should NOT be passed off onto the butler, serving staff, or somebody dragged off the streets with the exhortation “I’ll give you any money”.

Luckily, 99% of nappies these days are disposable, so they are a mere matter of ripping open the Velcro tabs, wiping and drying the fall-out zone and putting on the new one.

However, the potential hazards are many. Chief among these are:

The Fountain: Exposed to the cold air, the child’s instinct is to pass water again, often at great force. If you are leaning over the baby at this time, remember to keep your mouth shut

The Swamp: The child has done number ones and number twos, then danced about like a drunken John Travolta. Have a professional grade respirator ready, for the smell will stop a rhino in its tracks. You may also need a whole packet of wet wipes.

These are all well and good in the home, but you must be prepared to carry out a furtive nappy change in public places. For example, the frozen food aisle in Waitrose, the lounge at the Athenaeum Club, or the royal box as Ascot.

However, the well-prepared gentleman is ready for these eventualities through months of training; and like a good rifleman who can dismantle, clean and re-assemble his weapon in the dark, so it shall be with nappies. Welcome to parenthood.

Christmas is just around the corner, and for the office-based gentleman, this means the Hell of the Secret Santa, that annual ritual when you buy a complete strange a gift, and receive something utterly useless in return.

Secret Satan, more like.

Many is the year when we have argued over the budget, over the so-called random draw for names, and – subsequently – over which of you heathen bought me Marks and Spencer bath salts for the third year running.

Our advice to gentlemen offered the chance to take part in the workplace Secret Santa is this: Feign illness or death for the whole of December to avoid it. However, this might also mean you miss the Christmas party and the might out at your local Toby Carvery, so you may be forced to swallow your pride and brace yourself for the forthcoming unpleasantness.

To make it as painless as possible, make sure that you are the one setting the rules. The usual suspects (you know – the kind who wear they pyjamas to work for charity because it’s fun and wacky) might not like you trampling all over their territory, but stick to your guns. If you have actual guns, so much the better. Ensure there are no swaps, a fixed budget, and strictly no whining, on pain of death and/or unpaid overtime manning the phones on Christmas Day.

Once you have the name of your target, act swiftly. Navigate to socked.co.uk/shop/, order them socks, and then take the rest of the day off to celebrate. You are the king of Secret Santa, and you deserve it. In fact, take afternoons off for the run-up to the great unveiling, telling colleagues you are Secret Santa shopping. They will understand and will cover for you.

On the big day, burn your gift before opening it. Not only will this save the inevitable disappointment, it will also set off the fire alarm and you all get the rest of the day off to celebrate.

By the time you’re all back in the New Year, everybody will have forgotten how you wrecked Secret Santa (except for the lucky devil who is now wearing superb quality cotton socks from Socked), and you will have escaped for another year. Well done.

Recently, we found ourselves the owner of a car built by a noted French manufacturer. We’re not quite sure how this happened, for the Frenchman is no gentleman, nor do they – in the main – have much of an idea how to build a good automobile.

Keen on being the true British gent and do our own servicing, we looked under the bonnet to find that the engine was covered by a large metal plate and the notice “Keep your dirty hands out of here, you filthy Rostbif. This bit is for skilled hands only.” The metal shield had three holes in it, where they trusted you just enough to top up the oil, water and brake fluid.

We caved in and traded for something British. A Nissan. Alright, almost British.

The engine is open to the elements, and openly invites you to meddle with the moving parts. And no true gentleman should take to the road without knowing how to service their car.

We’ve spoken before on ideal books for gentleman, and here we would like to add one more: The Haynes manual for your car. It shows you everything you need to know about anything that could possibly go wrong, and how to fix it. When it becomes perfectly clear that you do not have the expertise, you can hand your machine over to the professionals, but for a few simple jobs, you should have no problem.

For example, changing the air filter takes no more than five minutes and can improve fuel consumption by a quarter. Just buy the right item, unclip the housing, and replace old for new. Done, and you’ll notice the difference straight way, particularly if the old one looks like you’ve just fished it out of the bottom of a swamp.

More complicated, but no less satisfying, is changing your plugs and points. You’ll need some tools for this job, but little feels better than taking out the old plugs, setting the gap on the new ones, screwing them in tight, and the replacing the high tension leads. The sense of relief when you turn the key and the engine roars into life will keep you going for the whole week.

It’s sad that modern cars do so much to dissuade the owner from doing their own servicing. That’s why we deliberately drive an older model that appears to be falling to pieces. Never mind the 1997 plate, feel the quality.

Books for Gentlemen

We are often asked “What should I, as an aspiring gentleman be reading, Mr Socked, sir?”, and we are happy to offer our advice.

The first thing we tell any young gentleman with the notion of improving their mind is what they should not be reading. The good gentleman does not read what are commonly referred to as “lads’ mags” such as Loaded and Nuts. Not only do they urge the gentleman away from the straight and narrow offering features on dangerous pursuits and shocking behaviour that would make their mothers blush with shame, they also feature photographs of young ladies in various states of undress, which is unchivalrous is the extreme.

Here, then, are the books you should be reading, which are available at such venues as “libraries” or book shops”

Jeeves and Wooster

The tales of young Bertram Wooster and his gentleman’s gentleman Jeeves are the very thing that the young man should aspire toward. Told through the eyes of Wooster by PG Wodehouse – a comic author without compare – they tell of this confirmed bachelor’s attempts to avoid marriage whilst living the easiest life possible. Things never go smoothly for Wooster, and it is always down to the impeccable timing, good taste and diplomacy for Jeeves that saves the day. If Jeeves ever went into politics, we dare say we’d still have the empire.

Flashman

Speaking of which, the Flashman books – twelve in all – are the collected memoirs of a roguish English soldier of the Victorian age. Harry Flashman is a coward, a bully, a toady, a liar and some sort of one-man sex machine, fornicating his way across the Empire and its former colonies.

Very much a warning on how not to behave in polite society yet still come out on top, we would be quite happy to send Flashy a sock subscription for the rest of his days, were he not dead.

War and Peace

What’s this? A 1,400 page blockbuster on the French invasion of Russia and how it struck home to the very heart of the Russian nobility? You have to be built of stern stuff to get through Tolstoy’s classic, and you might be best served watching the film version and bluffing your way through any difficult questions.

However, as a guide to the gentleman on manners it is unsurpassed. What happens if your beloved declines to marry you? (Answer: Run away and freeze to death on a battlefield). What happens if you accidentally get caught up in a battle? (Answer: Stand about gawping, and not get killed). What happens if you invade Russia but get caught out by the frozen winter weather? (Answer: Freeze to death).

There’s a lot of running away from spurned love and a lot of freezing to death, but Tolstoy got it right. It is a true gentleman’s book for the true gentleman. Also good for fixing wobbly table legs.

The other morning, as a result of a night of excess at our gentleman’s club, I woke with a head pounding like The Guns of Navarone, and my guts in a precarious state that would have caused an outrage in any public space had they gone off. Despite the self-inflicted nature of my malady, and the wallowing in self-pity that followed, I was clearly in no fit state for a solid days’ work at the office.

And that left me with the classic gentleman’s dilemma: How does one ring in sick?

If put it to you that even when you are genuinely sick – especially when you are genuinely sick – there lies the problem of how convincing you make that phone call sound.

This is where most gentlemen make a fatal error, which we call the ″sick voice″.

Let me make this absolutely clear: Under no circumstances should you use a whining ″sick voice″ when phoning your boss or your colleagues to say you will not be attending that day, no matter how genuinely ill you are. At the other end of Edison’s invention, the sick voice always sounds put-on, an act, a disguise, and will not be believed in the slightest.

In fact, your boss will listen to you, and respond as follows: ″Just concentrate on getting better″, which is boss code for ″I know you’re lying and I will be closely monitoring your Facebook and Twitter accounts for the rest of the day, and woe-betide you if you check in at the pub″.

The second fatal mistake is getting a spouse, or – worse – your mum to ring in on your behalf. What? To ill even to come to the phone? There’s probably a bloke with a cart heading up your road as we speak, ringing a bell and shouting ″Bring out your dead.″

So, how should you handle this?

Answer: Man up and do it yourself. Not by text. Not by email. On the phone, direct to your boss.

Use your normal speaking voice, and just come out and say you’re ill, you won’t be in, and you promise to call back later with your expectations for the next day.

Anything else is just pussy-footing around and will have your card marked as a skiver.

Or better still, just turn up to work and infect everybody.

It’s one of the great dilemmas in this country: Nobody seems to be able to agree on how to make a decent cup of tea.

Bag or leaf? Pot or cup? Milk first or tea first? The nation is split hither an tither on these vital arguments, and there are times you feel that the tension is simmering just below the surface. You may think that there’s nothing quite like a cup of tea, a couple of biscuits and a nice sit down, but blood has been spilled over this.

Just don’t get us started on the biscuits.

Just don’t get us started on blasphemous ″teas″ with names like Strawberry Soother and Peppermint Poncery. They are wrong, and no gentleman should become within sniffing distance of these monstrosities.

And just don’t get us started on what they call ″tea″ the second you leave these fine isles.

To prove our point, we ran a straw poll in the lounge of our gentleman’s club just the other night. The question was simple: Tea in first, or milk in first? Alas, the room split into factions, with the tea-first types raining blows down upon the heads of the milk-first chaps. And when some poor chap said he didn’t drink tea, the mob turned on him, and it falls to the club secretary to write a short note to his widow explaining what happened.

The long and the short of it is that there should be rules on how to make a decent cup of tea, which the committee at the Drones Club have now set in stone:

1. Use only freshly boiled water. Use some to heat the pot.
2. Use one tea spoon of leaf tea per cup, plus one extra.
3. Allow to brew for three to four minutes. It requires skills to know how long is enough.
4. Pour through a strainer into a china cup
5. Add milk to taste. Or, perhaps, lemon. But never both.
6. Drink, with perhaps a nice biscuit or two
7. Acceptable biscuit formations will be discussed at a later date

With the rise of the tea bag (an invention straight from Satan’s Anus), much of the skill has been removed from tea-making, and this nation is all the poorer for this. As a gentleman, it falls to you to ensure that proper standards are maintained and this country of ours is not dragged further into the mire.

However, we accept there are separate rules for builders, plumbers and other tradesmen:

1. As many teabags as you like
2. As many spoons of sugar as you like
3. Milk in first
4. Please don’t up the quote, and hurry up and get out of my house

All clear? Good. Time for a tea break.

As the summer draws to a close, we here at Socked are painfully aware that the lawn-mowing season is drawing to a close. However, now is the time to give it one damn good cutting before you hang up your tweed jacket and put that mower back in the shed where it belongs. Make your lawn look good now, and will should still be excellent when the growing season starts again next spring.

That’s enough of the Alan Titchmarsh advice. But how – we hear you ask – do you cut your lawn into stripes?

The answer is a simple one for the gentleman around town: Get your servant or batman to do it for you.

However, if you are not the kind of person who employs their own servants, then it is likely that you will have to cut the old croquet lawn yourself.

My story begins at the age of eleven, intrigued by my father mowing the lawn. Foolishly, I asked if I could have a go, and within thirty seconds, Professor Socked had his feet up on the patio, a G&T in his hand, and he never touched a lawnmower again in his life. I became, from that day, an expert in the art of lawn mowing.

If you want stripes, then you’re going to have to throw away that rotor hover mower, because that’s no use at all. In fact, we urge you to instead use this electrical monstrosity as the base for your next entrant into the world of Robot Wars, armed with something your cousin picked up during his time in Afghanistan.

Get yourself a good quality cylinder mower. Even the nastiest of DIY warehouses sell them, and they can either be push-along, electrical or petrol powered. We urge you to buy a petrol one, because they’re a) awesome and b) most likely to annoy the neighbours. It also gives you a grounding in the working of the internal combustion engine, a skill that any gentleman should be proud of.

Once you have your machine up and running, the stripes are easy. It’s all about keeping the mower in a straight line. If you have to mow round an obstacle (for example: a tree, or the grave of a fallen servant who doubted your position as the head of the household), the you can set the line straight on the next pass.

Having become an expert at straight lines, you can then experiment with patterns, going diagonally to create diamonds, and then circles. You will become an expert in no time.

Amaze your friends. Mow down your enemies.

We were introduced to the fine arts of pugilism in our teenage years, and enjoyed the discipline of the punch-bag, light on our feet, landing blows against a sullen and unresponsive foe.

It was when we tried to transfer these skills to the ring that we found that boxing was not all it was cracked up to be. Once the passive punch-bag is replaced with another person, determined to punch you very hard in the face, the Queensbury Rules lose their allure somewhat, and we decided to find a less painful way of getting fit. We have grown into gentlemen who are more than happy to let others punch people very hard in the face for fun and profit, whilst sitting at ringside, offering advice like old pros.

For example: ″Go on, lad. Punch him very hard in the face.″

Or, if the fight seems to be slipping away: ″Go on lad, try to stop him punching you very hard in the face.″

So, we ask, who are the top boxers in the world? Obviously, each is entitled to his view, and everybody’s opinion is different. Unfortunately, due to boxing’s very nature, such disagreements over who is the best usually end up in the ring, settled by punching each other very hard in the head.

For the record, the top three men ever to set foot in the ring are:

1. Mohammed Ali

We never saw Ali at his very best, after he lost his peak years through suspension. But despite that he was head and shoulders above anybody else in his time. Nobody even came close, and added to his reputation as a showman, and his outspoken support for causes near to his heart that lost him supports in certain sectors of American society, the man’s name is still electrifying today.

1. Joe Louis

In his peak, there was nobody who even came close to Joe. He rightfully tussles with Ali as the best boxer to ever step foot in the ring, and his greatest defeat – to the German wunderkind Max Schmelling – was more than avenged with a sensational first round knock-out in the return fight. World War II disrupted his career, and he was never the same in his twilight years. But what a fighter.

1. Mike Tyson

Controversial choice here, because you either love or hate Iron Mike. As a boxer, he was unstoppable. We watched in awe as he demolished opponent after opponent, and was quite rightdully to most feared fighter of our times. As a person, he was (and still is) a complete car crash. A personal life filled with violence and prison, he admits that he made very bad decisions and paid the price. He could have been the best ever, but blew it.

Those are our choices, and we will fight anybody who disagrees.

One of our finest actresses – Elizabeth Taylor, we think – once remarked: “Once upon a time you had to go to the circus and pay to see the fat man and the tattooed lady. Now they’re everywhere.”

In a sense, Ms Taylor is correct, there are times – especially when we are out on the town on a Friday night, enjoying a meal at a local eaterie before going on to a number of local public houses – that we firmly believe that we are the only people in the whole world who doesn’t have a tattoo.

We suspect that our erstwhile Prime Minister, Eton-educated that he is, has a list of conquests tattooed onto his left buttock. But then, we might be getting him mixed up with Harry Styles of the popular beat combo One Direction.

So, we ask: Should a gentleman get a tattoo? While we are firmly in the “no” camp, we are more than aware that gentlemen up and down the country have turned to the medium of ink and red-hot needles to make a statement about what’s important in their lives.

First and foremost, it’s a decision that you’ve got to live with for the rest of your natural life. There will dawn the day when you look down on the Spongebob Squarepants inked across your chest and ask yourself what possessed you to get such a thing made. So, our first guideline is to keep your tat non-visible. This is par for the course for any job that involves a uniform, mainly because police officers with “I heart Bieber” across their foreheads are never taken seriously.

Secondly: Think carefully about what you’re doing. If you’re going to have writing, for the love of all that is holy get it spell-checked first. If it’s foreign writing, you’re on your own. If you think you’re getting the Chinese character for YOLO, you’re probably getting “This man touches goats” and you’ve only got yourself to blame.

Gentlemen, keep it small and unobtrusive. If you’re in the Armed Forces, your regimental crest will suffice. If you’re a postman, consider a picture of a stamp, so people can post you home if you get drunk. And never on the face. No gentleman gets tattooed on the face.

Having said that, anybody who gets “Socked: Sock subscriptions for gentlemen” inked on their forehead gets free socks for life.

A gentleman needs breakfast. They say it’s the most important meal of the day, but we reserve that title for the snack we have between 10.30 and 11.00 when the canteen does bacon butties.

However, it is undeniable that today’s time-poor gents often skip breakfast and rush out of the door in the morning clutching a half-eaten slice of toast, with a cup of instant coffee sloshing around inside him.

This will not do.

The proper gentleman will make time in the morning for a proper hearty breakfast that will set him up for the day. And by hearty, we don’t mean the brand of sugar-laden cereal that is currently offering the best free gift down you local supermarket. This will not do.

Instead, the gent – particularly if his servant is on a day off – will prepare one of the following:

• Porridge (made from oats – none of this concrete-based ‘Just add water’ guff)
• A fry-up
• Kedgeree

The fry-up speaks for itself. Any gentleman worth his salt is able to fry a couple of eggs, grill a few sausages and bacon, and present it on a plate with toast, mushrooms and a freshly-brewed cup of tea.

If you cannot do this, then ensure you know the address of your local transport café and learn from observation.

However, the true gentleman’s breakfast is kedgeree. Brought back to these shores after our doomed ownership of the Indian sub-continent, kedgeree is a fine breakfast that also doubles up as lunch or supper, thus making it the most versatile of meals.

It’s quite simple. Hard boil a couple of eggs, and chop into pieces. While you’re at it, boil some rice, and a bit of haddock. Chop up the fish, mix everything together, and heat through in the pan. For a bit of flavouring, experiment with your spices. Some gents prefer a dash of curry powder, while other chaps like the kick of a bit of paprika. Or you might want to pad it out a bit with a diced onion and a crushed glove of garlic.

This makes kedgeree a meal that’s never the same twice. In fact, it was much-loved in the Raj for using up leftover food from the night before, which means that you’re half-eaten curry still has a use beside taking up space in the fridge.

Thus, rammed full of kedgeree, breath reeking of old curry, you are ready to face the day.

PRESS RELEASE 

Could this menagerie of germs lead to danger of infection?

The fluff that resides in your belly button could be housing potentially fatal dangers, one gentlemen’s style and advice website fears, as they offer to sponsor further studies.

If the evolution of germs found on badly-groomed and sweaty men continues, the “zoo” of germs inside a gentleman’s navel could promote infections that could lead to anything from mild discomfort, illness, or a fatal case of death, the website says.

According to British sock subscription website socked.co.uk, a lack of male hygiene means that men up and down the country might be living on a knife-edge of belly-button-related woe, of which they are blissfully ignorant.

“It’s one of the great hidden epidemics of our age,” said socked.co.uk’s below the knee fashion expert Mark Hall, “With medical science making giant inroads into all kinds of serious, life-threatening conditions, it’s the tiny ones they’ve ignored that could be mankind’s undoing.”

A study into belly-button lint found over 2,368 bacterial species, including 1,458 which were possibly new to science. In one specimen who had not bathed for a considerable period, species of “extremophile” bacteria usually only found in volcanic vents or icecaps were found.

“It’s frightening,” said Mark Hall, “Medical science is finding it hard to identify these bacteria from even a few stinky individuals. Heaven knows what potential international pandemic is lurking in the blue belly fluff of some innocent hobo.”

According to socked.co.uk:

Only 8% of men clean their belly buttons

32% of men were squeamish about their navels

9% say they have “outie” belly buttons and don’t know what the fuss is about

Further studies suggest that men who wear particularly tight clothes, or spend prolonged periods in conditions that lead to excessive sweat are more likely to have bacteria-heavy navel lint.

“The study comes to one irrevocable conclusion,” said Hall, “Lack of grooming and personal cleanliness means exposure to potentially dangerous bacteria.”

Urging further research from Britain’s finest virologists and experts in communicable diseases, Socked said they would be willing to sponsor any official study if it helped to save mankind.

“We at Socked are doing our bit against the equally dangerous menace of toe jam by promoting good quality, clean cotton socks for gentlemen. It’s time we made a stand for belly-buttons too,” said Hall.

“That’s why we’d happily supply fresh socks to the lab team to ensure there’s no toe jam/belly-button lint cross-contamination.

“That’s a scenario that’s unlikely to happen in a controlled lab environment, but we’ve got to help any way we can,” said Hall.

A study on the content of men’s navels can be found here: Belly Button Fluff Facts

A new study details the microbial contents of 60 volunteers’ belly buttons.

The upshot? Belly buttons, it turns out, are a lot like fluffy rain forests.

Welcome to the Jungle

From 60 belly buttons, the team (Rob Dunn) found 2,368 bacterial species, 1,458 of which may be new to science.

Some belly buttons harbored as few as 29 species and some as many as 107, although most had around 67. Ninety-two percent of the bacteria types showed up on fewer than 10 percent of subjects—in fact, most of the time, they appeared in only a single subject.

One science writer, for instance, apparently harbored a bacterium that had previously been found only in soil from Japan—where he has never been.

Another, more fragrant individual, who hadn’t washed in several years, hosted two species of so-called extremophile bacteria that typically thrive in ice caps and thermal vents.

Despite the diversity, themes emerged.

Even though not a single strain showed up in each subject, eight species were present on more than 70 percent of the subjects. And whenever these species appeared, they did so in huge numbers.

“That makes the belly button a lot like rain forests,” Richard Dunn said who conducted the research. In any given forest, he explained, the spectrum of flora might vary, but an ecologist can count on a certain few dominant tree types.

“The idea that some aspects of our bodies are like a rain forest—to me it’s quite beautiful,” he added. “And it makes sense to me as an ecologist. I understand what steps to take next; I can see how that works.”

Method to the Madness?

But predicting which species might like to call the human body home is only the first step. To make the knowledge useful, scientists need to know why these bacteria show up.

“We’re all like the guys before Darwin who went out and brought this stuff on the ship and said, Check out this bird that’s totally weird—this has got to be important!

“They were still so far from understanding the big picture,” Dunn said. “That’s where we are.”

Hoping to answer those broader questions, Dunn’s team is already working on several hundred more navels—soon to be 600. They’ll use those new samples to start testing the correlation of the navel dwellers with everything from subjects’ places of birth to the makeups of their immune systems.

Making connections such as these could help shed light on the ties between our bacterial hosts and their effects on health. Researchers believe that microbes—not just in the belly button but in every nook and cranny of the human body—are involved in everything from immune function to acne to skin softness. The potential boon to medicine is enormous but out of reach until scientists can clarify what the microbes are doing in the first place, and why they’re there.

And by “Gentlemen’s Club” we do not mean the kind of establishment filled to the gunwhales with scantily-clad young ladies, gyrating their lithe young bodies in the face of drooling businessmen and drunken stag parties. For if you are the kind of person that frequents these clubs, then you cannot call yourself a gentleman.

The kind of gentleman’s club to which we refer are the type that up-and-coming young men mix with over-the-hill old duffers in lounges, billards rooms and excellently-appointed dining suites. And to be honest, if you’re not a member of one of these clubs now, it’s highly unlikely that you ever will.

However, all is not lost! Even your humble author has ventured through the doors of a major Club in London’s Pall Mall, looking like a red-face stuff-ed turkey in a borrow dinner jacket, so there is hope for all of us. I am pleased to report that the building was luxurious, the company was high class (even if there were clearly not enough chins to go around), the dining was superb, and I got roaringly drunk and had to get the jacket dry-cleaned before handing it back.

But to gain membership, that’s a complety different kettle of fish. We reckon there’s three ways through the door:

1. Be a titled nob. There’s no better way to get into a club than by holding the title of the 3rd Baronet Charles De Farquarr-Tibbles-Cholmondeley. If you are distantly related to a hereditary peer of the realm, best start your murder campaign now

2. Promotion. By which we mean be a member of some lesser organisation that brings you into contact with club members. Go to a top university. Join the right golf club, or try a funny handshake on everybody you meet. Sooner or later you’re going to hit pay dirt.

3. The back door. Get a job for a company that delivers quail’s eggs and champagne. Sooner or later, you’ll be dropping off huge crates in the kitchen at Drones. Slip out of your overalls and into your best weddings/funerals/court appearances suit, and head upstairs and bluff it for all you are worth. Then, two minutes later, pick yourself up off the pavement outside, dust yourself down, and head back to your van. Perhaps this kind of gentleman’s club is not for you. Try the other sort.

Of course, you don’t have to be a member of a gent’s club to be a gentleman. Starting with as little as a pair of fine black socks, you can achieve much the same effect by going out for a Berni, midweek, and have a starter AND a dessert. Now, that’s posh.

Prime Minister battles with Clarkson for wooden spoon

New father Prince William has lost out to perennial style icon David Beckham for the title of Best Dressed Celebrity Father, missing out on the victory not long after a separate vote named the Duchess of Cambridge the best dressed famous mother.

According to a survey by a gentlemen’s clothing and advice website, the former footballer remains number one in the eyes of the public for his style and elegance, slightly ahead of the Duke of Cambridge who came second in the poll despite only being dad to the baby Prince George for a matter of weeks.

At the other end of the list, the public overwhelmingly voted Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson and Prime Minister David Cameron as the least fashionable famous fathers, the poll conducted by socked.co.uk finds.

“These results show that just because you’ve got children, you don’t have to give up on your style,” said Mark Hall, director of socked.co.uk, “Some chaps just ooze style, and with a little bit of effort, they reflect all the positive sides of fatherhood. Others just let it all fall apart, it seems, and they need a bit of a fashion kick-start.”

According to the poll conducted by socked.co.uk, the best dressed celebrity fathers amongst the British public are:

1. David Beckham

2. Prince William

3. Peter Andre

4. Elton John

5. Will Smith

“Beckham could go to his local supermarket in just a vest and tracksuit bottoms and he’d still be the most fashionable man on the planet,” said Mark Hall, “If anybody else tried that, they wouldn’t be let in through the door.”

Socked feel that one major social barrier has been broken down with Sir Elton John’s appearance on the list. “Sir Elton’s appearance on this list goes to show that living in a same-sex relationship is no bar to catching the public’s imagination,” said Hall.

“And Peter Andre remains popular after everything he’s been through. He’s caught the public imagination, he’s very likeable, and always makes an effort.”

Of the worst dressed celebrity fathers, dad-of-three Jeremy Clarkson emerged as the public’s least favourite, just ahead of David Cameron.

1. Jeremy Clarkson

2. David Cameron

3. Jamie Oliver

4. Kanye West

5. Robbie Williams

“Clarkson will probably relish this title,” said Socked’s Mark Hall of the Top Gear presenter, “He’s so anti-fashion that he relishes his faded jeans and shirt look that drive fashion journalists up the wall.”

Socked feels that recent shots of the Prime Minister on holiday probably didn’t do him any favours. “When he’s on duty, he’s always well turned out in a suit,” said Hall, “But the second he’s away from his advisers, he turns into an embarrassing dad on holiday, always in the shadow of the glamorous Sam Cam.”

Family man Jamie Oliver is not spared the wrath of the British public, for reasons that the Socked spokesman thinks might be something to do with his publishing success. “We think Jamie gets a bad press, but once you’ve sold a few million books dressed in a hoodie and jeans, you might be putting across the wrong image.”

Socked’s Mark Hall is sure that the bottom five could easily change their fashion sense with just a few simple changes to their wardrobe.

“We’d like to send some of these worst-dressed dads a Sock subscription to get kick off their sartorial revival, but we’re concerned they’d only wear them with sandals.”

PRESS RELEASE 

Laptops and condoms top list of worst things destroyed by pet dogs

Yorkshire resident Jonathan Ratcliffe has bought a sock subscription for his beloved working cocker spaniel Willow so she can chew at that them to his heart’s content.

Jonathan bought the gift of a sock subscription from online gents outfitters and advice website socked.co.uk after his best friend was diagnosed with a heart murmur, and she now gets a regular supply of cotton socks to feed his chewing habit.

Jonathan is the managing director of security camera installers cctv.co.uk, and ordered the subscription to cheer up his pal, and to save his own socks. The tale inspired socked.co.uk to poll its customers and find out the worst thing that their dog had ever chewed or eaten.

“Willow’s story is a wonderful one of a dog being rewarded for his years of service to his master,” said Mark Hall, managing director of Socked, “Unfortunately, we’ve also uncovered many, many tales of naughty canines that we just had to share.”

“For a start, Jonathan tells us that Willow once ran into the middle of a park, ate somebody’s picnic and licked food off a baby’s face.”

According to Socked customers wayward pet dogs have chewed or eaten all kinds of things:

Andrey: “When I was a kid, my dog got trapped in my bedroom. He chewed up EVERYTHING. Toys, pillow, mattress, shoes, everything.”

Gita: “My mobile phone. I only had it for three days.”

Colin: “A whole box of condoms”

Jake: “The corner of my laptop. Expensive.”

Paula: “My wedding ring, gone in one gulp. And yes, we got it back – eventually.”

Toby: “My priceless vinyl collection of Northern Soul classics. He looked so pleased with himself, the musical philistine.”

Dave: “I only realised she had a thing for bike inner tubes when I got a puncture. Chewed them up, hid the evidence.”

According to animal behaviour experts, dogs chewing things around the house is a sign that they’re bored an need a little stimulation. Most experts suggest longer walks, meeting other dogs, and interesting dog toys, of which a balled-up pair of socks seems to get the seal of approval.

“Sock subscriptions from socked.co.uk represent tremendous value,” said Socked’s Mark Hall, “Not only are they great as dog toys, you can even wear them on your feet as well.”

“I know what will be fun,” said Mrs Socked as we soaked up the sun on a recent sojourn to East Anglia, and I was immediately filled with dread over what would come next, for I was certain that I would find myself way out of my comfort zone, doing some sort of activity as alien to me as good manners to a German tourist.

And so it proved: “Why don’t we hire a boat for the day?”

My wallet suitably relieved of sixty of The Queen’s Pounds, we were led to the river bank and our transportation for the next four hours. To be honest, it was hardly the Titanic, and I dare say Leo Di Caprio’s nudey drawing of Kate Winslet might have come out somewhat different if she had been lolling across those fibre glass seats, open to every buzzing insect that the Norfolk Broads had to offer.

According to the gentleman tasked with making sure that we didn’t sink the thing, set fire to it, or launch a full marine invasion of a foreign power, driving the thing couldn’t be simpler, just as long as we followed a few simple rules, which boiled down to:

* Drive on the right

* Don’t speed

* Don’t sink

* Don’t  launch a full marine invasion of a foreign power

Armed with this knowledge, we set out for the distant metropolis of Beccles, home to a nice tea shop, and a shop that looks like – but most certainly isn’t – Woolworths.

And Boat Wrangler Man was as good as his word. Driving a boat is as easy as it looks. The diesel engine is simply “Go forward” or “Go backwards”, the steering at a steady 4mph is responsive, and angry fishermen soon give up chasing you as you accidentally sweep them into the water after straying too close to their rods.

Unfortunately, Boat Wrangler Man had misled us somewhat on one vital point. There is no way on God’s Earth you can sensibly park a boat. I will repeat that for you: No man can park a boat.

For a start, once you get in close to the bank, the rudder becomes unresponsive, and no amount of back and forth with help you manoeuvre. In open water, boats don’t act like cars, so a neat three-point turn just leaves you drifting round in circles as you ram it into forward and reverse gears, swearing.

On top of that, after the sixth attempt, we began to suspect that the order to park “stern on” (ie backwards) was a bit of a joke to give the boat wranglers a bit of joy watching lubbers attempt the impossible.

Then, like a bolt out of the blue, I realised how it was done. To park backwards, you go in FORWARDS, crash into any other boat that may already be there, eventually ending up stern on in the approved manner.

Tying up, I asked Boat Wrangler Man exactly how one should bring a boat in backwards.

“Yeah, mate,” he said, scratching his trouser parts, “You come in forwards an’ crash into everything till you’re the right way round.”

The secrets of boat handling: They are ours.

They say that a dog is man’s best friend. However, you rarely – if ever – see a dog stand his round of drinks down the pub on a Friday night, and neither is a dog likely to lend you twenty quid to tide you over until the end of the month.

And it is a cold day in Hell that you catch your best pal dropping a poo on your kitchen floor, as he stares you dead in the eye with a look on his face that says “Yeah? What are you going to do about it?”

Dogs, then. They’re alright, and we probably wouldn’t get by without the Socked Hound completely dominating our life.

The gentleman needs a dog as a boon companion, loyal pal, and to set on peasants should they rise up in revolt over you treating them as slaves on your estates in Yorkshire.

Your dog, then, needs to be trained.

Accepted wisdom on dog training has changed over recent years. Out of the window has gone the notion of whipping the cur into obedience, possibly due to the increasing numbers of flogging dog trainers found in their beds with their faces eaten off.

So, whipping the cur into obedience is right out of the window, and the emphasis is one rewarding your bundle of fur for his achievements.

When we first took on Socked Hound, he was nigh on wild and just two missed meals away from becoming a wolf. He had spent much of the previous year in a rescue centre, kicking his heels and mixing with canine delinquents who taught him Bad Dog Things.

Many of these Bad Dog Things come from Socked Hound being insecure at his place in the pack, and he needed to be taught his position in the household, and acceptable limits on his behaviour (for eg: Not eating our faces off in the middle of the night).

With the emphasis on reward, we carry a small bag of treats with us for when he performs Good Dog acts. This is especially important when Socked Hound greets other dogs, so he knows there is a tasty snack waiting if he doesn’t start a fight.

One of the most important things is to go against your usual reaction to his behaviour. When a dog runs away, it doesn’t actually help to go chasing after his shouting “Fenton! Fenton! Jesus Christ!” as he thinks you are taking part in the pursuit.

Neither does shouting and screaming at him once he returns, as in his tiny, tiny brain he is certain that by actually coming back he has been a Good Dog. So, ignore the fact that he has run away at all, and reward him for actually coming back, even if he is covered in cow dung and parts of squirrels. After a while, he will realise there’s a treat for not running away at all, and your job is done.

For the face-eating thing, we recommend an ice hockey mask, available from good sports retailers.

Sometimes the gentleman has to travel, and that may involve heading south of Dover where you cannot get a decent of cup tea for neither love nor money.

Alas, once you are on the continent, you will inevitably come into contact with Jean-Baptise Foreigneur, whose customs, way of life and attitude to the English gentleman while almost certainly be at odds to your own experience.

We here at Socked have no truck with being unpleasant and rude to our European cousins, and neither do we wish to resort to cheap stereotypes of rude French waiters, rude German waiters, rude Spanish waiters, and rude Italian waiters.

An English gent behaves like a gentleman at all times when abroad, even in the face of the most fearful provocation, such as if he asks for a nice cup of tea in a Parisian café and is greeted with nothing but hard Gallic stares and a cup of grey water with a string hanging forlornly down the side.

However, as in most arms races, the gentleman should be prepared to up the ante and top anything that is thrown at him. But the key – as in all things – is to remember that you are a gentleman, and should have no need to scrape the barrel of linguistics for an effective riposte.

While there are any number of guides available to teach the young cad how to swear in a foreign tongue, we found at an early age that French – for example – is such an expressive language that profanity need never pass your lips. The right words and some frantic arm-waving will more than get your point across.

While the more uncouth may be reaching for their sweary phrasebook when confronted, the gentleman will look his assailant in the eye and utter the words:

“Et quoi?” 

“So what?”

This captures everything, taking in your English stiff upper lip and your desire to stay on the moral high ground whilst delivering the most stinging of rebukes.

The more advanced student will move onto the complicated stuff. For example, while pulling a face like you’ve licked an onion and waving your hands like Marcel Marceau on drugs:

“Lu lu lu lu lu lu lu! Et ta mere aussi”

“You, sir are a cad and a bounder. And your mother, too.”

That is all the uncouth language the travelling gentleman will ever need.

The Gentlemen’s Guide To Getting Arrested

Once in a while, a gentleman my find himself in the custody of the police. Whether it is for a serious crime, such as drunkenly knocking off an officer’s helmet outside the Drones Club; or something trivial such as gambling several billion pounds of some other blighter’s money on whether stocks in the Far East are likely to fall, it is all the same the same to the constabulary.

The first thing the gentleman must do on finding himself arrested is to act like a gentleman. Granted, this may be difficult if you have had a sherry too many at the Drones, and you have been cuffed while staggering around St James’s in no state for polite conversation. But the principle remains the same: Once you have been arrested, the constable isn’t going to change his mind. In fact, fighting it may simply make things worse for you.

Of course, we know this from bitter experience. One thing led to another, and a demonstration of our participation in the liberation of Kuwait – complete with a number of Challenger tanks – drew the attention of the forces of law and order to the streets of Central London in the wee small hours. Realising that we were well and truly nicked, the Colonel and I came quietly.

You will be taken to a police station, where you may be left in a cell until you are questioned. You will be offered free legal advice, or – if you are gentleman enough to have one – the chance to call in your own legal representation.

This is where many people who have been arrested go wrong. Gentleman or not, innocent or guilty, everybody is entitled to legal representation. A lot of people – knowing they are innocent – refuse legal help as they think it implies guilt. If there’s one time you need a legal expert, it’s when you are innocent of any crime. They’ve seen it all before, and will do their damnedest to get you out of there. Refusing help in a schoolboy error, to be frank.

Nowadays, if you have done something relatively trivial (up to and including the cold-blooded murder of a member of a foreign royal family), you may be offered a caution. Think about this carefully. Yes, you will be out of the police station within minutes and your ordeal will be over without the need and the expense of a court appearance. But you will also be admitting to a crime that you may or may not have committed, which will be on your record forever. If you have murdered a member of a foreign royal family in cold blood, however, we advise you to take the caution.

The police can hold you for 24 hours before releasing you, or having to apply for an extension. They also have the right to take photographs and collect DNA evidence. The gentleman will look his best for his mug shot, so ensure you have a stylist to hand who is available at short notice.

Once you are released, try to behave yourself. And if you want to try “I’m friends with the chief constable” gambit, whilst attempting a funny handshake, at least actually be friends with the chief constable, and belong to an organisation that uses funny handshakes. Otherwise, you’re headed for the slammer.

Gentlemen, in the main, do not go to the slammer.

PRESS RELEASE

Brits lose title of most polite people as courtesy in the UK takes a nose-dive

Japanese men have pipped British blokes to the title of the world’s best gentlemen, according to one men’s style website.

A culture of good manners and respect in the Far Eastern country means Japanese men are more likely to dress well, act appropriately and treat others with dignity, a study by the socked.co.uk site has announced.

Setting a social scientist to scour media reports and national trends data, socked.co.uk found that British males – and the foreign perception of British males in particular – have slipped noticeably in recent years.

“It’s clear that the standard of the British gentleman has fallen recently,” said socked.co.uk spokesman and gentleman creation officer Mark Hall, “And it’s reached the point where other nations have better gentlemen than us.

“We’re no longer able to trade on the image of the traditional City Gent – not while we’ve got so many negative role models, and we continue to export a reputation for a nation of Jeremy Kyle panellists.”

According to the socked.co.uk survey, carried out over several weeks in May and June of 2013, the top five countries for gentlemanly behaviour are (marked out of 100)

1. Japan – 97pts
2. United Kingdom – 89pts
3. Poland – 86 pts
4. South Korea – 81pts
5. Canada – 80pts

“We asked our researcher to flex his social science degree and find out which people are more likely to give to charity, leave tips in restaurants, carry out good deeds, drive safely, and are educated in etiquette and foreign cultures,” said Hall.

“It took him some time, but he devised a scoring method for each country, and turned up Japan as the clear winner.”

Points in The Socked Gent Test were awarded (and lost) for:

Add in a simple test for wannabe gents

• Firmness of handshake and sincerity of greeting
• Respect for others
• Telephone manner
• Dining etiquette
• Dress sense
• Driving skills
• Public smoking and drinking

Interestingly, he says South Korea was headed for the top two, but lost out over its “near national obsession with smoking in public.”

Socked declined to reveal which countries came at the bottom of the study.

“socked.co.uk never wanted this to be some sort of racist witch hunt,” Hall warned, “so we’re not going to reveal who came at the bottom of the pile. We are gentlemen after all, and gents don’t criticise. We’ll just send a short note Presidents Putin and Obama to suggest a few improvements.”

Hall was at pains to point out that while the value of gentlemen may go down as well as up, the prospective gent can immediately improve their image with a sock subscription from socked.co.uk

“We build the gentleman from the ground up,” said Hall, “Join our campaign for better gents, by taking The Socked Gent Test yourself!”

Gentlemen can take the Socked Gent Test themselves, and take the following ten questions into account:

• Do you dress modestly?
• Do you shun white socks in public?
• Do you show patience if made to wait?
• Do you avoid swearing in public?
• Do you have clean fingernails?
• Do you cook dinner?
• Do you hold open doors for others?
• Do you drive safely and responsibly?
• Do you give up your seat on public transport?
• Do you say please and thank you?

“If the answer to most of these questions is ‘yes’ then you are on the right road to being a gent,” said Hall. “We need more gents like you if we’re going to win that title back, so well done.”

How to ride public transport correctly 

It happens to all of us at some time in our lives. You’ve sacked another chauffeur due to his damned impertinence, and not one of the local taxi drivers will offer you their services because of that unfortunate misunderstanding with the horsewhip, and you are stranded outside your club with no way of getting home.

You are, good sir, at the mercy of public transport.

Do not panic.

First, ignore all those club smoking room rumours: Buses and trains are no longer hotbeds of communism, tuberculosis and smallpox, so there is little chance of you coming down with an infectious disease.

The only real danger comes from the gentleman not knowing how to behave correctly in the circumstances.

You may be shocked by two of the key concepts of public transport: It does not pick you up from outside the front door of your club; neither does it drop you off outside the front door of 11 Downing Street, bidding you a hearty “Goodnight, my Lord” with a salute that would grace any regiment of guards.

Instead, one should make his way to a “bus stop”, a gaudy metal and plastic shelter by the side of the road, where people wait for the omnibus to appear. Be sure to stand at the right stop!

Etiquette dictates a first-come, first-served concept which people call “queuing”. You must join the “queue” at the back an await your turn. Even women, children and people of lower classes are allowed to stand in front of you, a concept that veers dangerously close to socialism.

When the bus arrives, wait your turn, board the bus, and state your destination to the driver. He will ask for something called “exact change please”, and “Send an invoice to my secretary at the House of Commons, kind sir” is not an acceptable answer.

Once this financial unpleasantness is out of the way, find a seat.

The prime position is on the top deck, directly above the driver. If you are lucky enough to get this seat, it is your duty to pretend to be driving, and you MUST make the appropriate sound effects.

However, it is more than likely that you may have to share. If the bus is full, the gentleman offers his seat to another person, particularly if they are elderly, or with child. Double points if you give up your seat to an pregnant pensioner.

At all costs, avoid eye contact. The only occasion when it is permitted to speak is to ask another passenger “Is this my stop?” Engaging them in a discussion on fiscal policy and shared austerity is a certain faux pas.

If you are standing, do not invade the personal space of the person next to you, particularly with the groinal areas, as this may provoke a punch in the face.

Once you are at your destination, ring the bell in good time, and exit by the appropriate doors. Do not attempt to tip the driver. He may be flattered, but his tip to you will almost certainly be “Get off my bus, weirdo.”

At this point, you will still be left with a walk to your front door. Accepted custom is to make this trip via a kebab shop or burger bar. This will be covered in future guides “How to avoid starting a fight in a kebab shop” and “What to do if you get arrested“.

But congratulations! You’ve been on a bus! That’s a story to tell your grandchildren.

As Prince William and Duchess Kate prepare to welcome their little royal bundle of joy into this world, you can be sure of the fact that they are about to make the biggest decision that any parent can make: Choosing a baby name.

A new parent’s choice of name can make or break their son or daughter in later life, so it is vital that they don’t get it wrong. Just ask my old chum whose mother and father unthinkingly landed him with the name Richard Head – his life has been cursed for decades and the words most likely to pass his lips at any given time are “Heard it”.

Joke names aside, the current trend for made-up “unique” names featuring far too many apostrophes and hyphens may also cause problems and embarrassment in later years. Imagine your progeny attending a job interview, with the first question being “How exactly do you pronounce La’Vajazzle-Beyonce?”

To prevent this kind of unpleasantness, several countries have lists of approved baby names which prevent little darlings running around school playgrounds with the name “Hitler”, “iPod” or “Bumface”.

The gentleman should take heed, because unusual or so-called unique names not only cause upset in later life, but also marks you out as an unsuitable parent. In sshort: Not a gentleman, and a fitting example of why there should be a written exam before people are allowed to breed.

We at Socked – as a service to you – have put together a very short list of approved names that a gentleman and gentlewoman should consider for their new child:

1. Socked

2. Sir Sockington

3. Lady Sockington

All quality names, we are sure you’ll agree.

As for the royal couple, our advice would be first name Prince, second name Killer. Then they’d have Prince Prince Killer Wales, which both underlines the young chap’s royalness, while telling potential bullies he won’t stand for any trouble.

And if a girl, follow style icon (Are you sure? – Socked editor) Katie Price’s example and plump for Princess Tiaamii.

Alternatively, and as a favour to editors and journalists at celebrity magazines and the red-top press,  William and Kate should plump for something that is easy to type. Al. Or Lee. Or Bo. Or Di.

Because Princess Di has a certain ring to it.

A gentlewoman friend of ours recently attended a business function in which she shared a lunch table with a current and very well known Knight of the Realm.

The following day, she received a note from the good Sir Knight, thanking her for the pleasure of her company, a move that is distressingly rare in today’s society where good manners are often forgotten.

Like many things, the “Thank You” letter has all but disappeared, and to receive one these days is a colossal surprise, reminding us of days gone by and manners that have all but disappeared.

It is also an embarrassment to gentlemen and gentlewomen of Great Britain: While this custom has fallen out of use in our country, it is still the height of good etiquette amongst our colonial cousins in Australia.

You read that correctly. Not only are the Australians deliberately sending out dreadful cricket teams to help the Old Country re-assert its superiority over the colonies, they are teaching us how to conduct ourselves properly.

In Australia, not only is it the done thing to bring a gift to a dinner party or a gathering at somebody’s home, but it is also expected that you should write after the event to thank for their hospitality. Presumably, such letters will also contain a full and frank admission of any crimes committed on the premises, but we are not entirely clear on the concept.

Sadly, back on these shores, any enthusiasm for the “Thank You” letter is hammered out of young gentlemen and gentlewomen at an early age.

The weeks between Christmas and New Year of my youth was filled with increasingly angry parental directions to write letters to various aunts, uncles and family friends for the presents I was playing with and the chocolate I had scoffed. I grew to despise the writing pad, and this systematic avoidance of the forthcoming chore was made all the worse by forgetting which relative had given what.

If only, I dreamed, there was some way that I could just write one letter, press a button and they’d all get thanked at the same time. Such a system, I fear, remains as impossible as flying cars and monkey butlers.

In this new age of good manners, now is the time to thank people properly. Forget emailing and texting. Break out a blank greetings card, scribble a few lines and post it in an actual post box. Preferably with a stamp.

If you’re thanking your boss, or a business contact, your stock has just risen tremendously. If it is a family or friend, they will see you in a whole new light. You are – young learner – another step down the road to gentlemanhood.

Saying “Thank You” – It’s the new “Not saying Thank You

Click on a letter to begin your sock education

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Contrary to what many influential fashion websites would have you believe, a gentleman is not fully dressed until he is wearing a quality pair of socks.

Despite our almost fanatical devotion to the wearing of fine quality black cotton socks at the offices of socked.co.uk, we are aware that the fashionable, modern young man can dress reasonably well without them.

In fact, we are entirely amazed that young fellows – particularly in the capital – are stepping out in blazers, shorts, and deck shoes with hardly a care in the world, and looking every inch the stylish chap about town.

They are, however, quite wrong; and it behoves us to lecture those who submit to this blasphemy on the correct way to attire their feet.

Our advice is simple, and we can only assume that this fashion is down to absence of mind in the early morning: You are dressing for work, man, not for a day at the beach. (Gentlemen who work as life guards may safely ignore this, otherwise there are no excuses at all for forgetting your socks.)

Whether you work for a creative agency in the centre of London, or weld large pieces of metal to other large pieces of metal in some dark, satanic mill (possibly in the centre of London as well, because we’re against regional stereotyping) you have no reason to leave the house without remembering to put socks on first.

And I should know. I once went to school wearing a pair of carpet slippers and no socks by mistake, and I never heard the last of it. The governors said I was a disgrace to the post of headmaster, and that was – sadly – the end.

Happily, the discerning gentleman can bid farewell to this sartorial difficulty, and always have a pair of fresh, black cotton socks to hand every morning through the medium of a subscription with the socked.co.uk website.

From as little as £5.99 per month, high quality black socks are posted to your door on a regular basis. For a one-off payment that equates to just £8 per month, your subscription gives you just short of a new pair every week, enough socks for even the most committed of sock-wearers. At that frequency, even the hardiest of sock-avoiding recidivists will soon learn the error of their ways.

No longer will hip, young gentlemen be ashamed to leave the house in the morning improperly attired. And if you know of a sockless dervish – or worse – someone who wears comedy cartoon character socks, a subscription makes an ideal gift.

Our mission at socked.co.uk is much like that of the martial arts sensei. We know that gentlemen will follow his own whims and deviate from the path of style and good manners, and our role is to gently nudge him back down the one, true path. And that path, as we are sure you will agree, is one that involves socks.

IMMEDIATE RELEASE 

We can’t sit by and let him destroy the good reputation of the male race

A prominent British gentlemen’s outfitters and style website is exploring its legal options over South Korean music star Psy’s latest hit song “Gentleman”.

Appalled by the video that accompanies the song, in which the Korean megastar is seen behaving in a manner that can only be described as “like a true cad”, the socked.co.uk website says it is considering a class action on behalf of gentlemen everywhere.

Convinced that the clip, on heavy rotation across music channels readily accessible by youngsters who might be considering a future as a gentlemen, socked.co.uk spokesman Mark Hall is certain that Psy’s antics could lead to copycat caddish behavior.

“We’re sickened by this so-called contribution to the recorded arts,” said Hall, “In the video, Mr Psy’s antics are nothing short of disgraceful, and as one of 30 million gentlemen in the United Kingdom, it falls to me to say ‘enough is enough’.”

“We can’t sit by and let him destroy the good reputation of the male race.”

In the video to “Gentleman”, Psy is seen kicking a football away from children, pulls a cruel practical joke at a gym, undoes a young lady’s bikini, and breaks wind in the face of a girl.

“None of these actions are those of a self-proclaimed ‘gentleman'”, said socked.co.uk ‘s Hall, “And because of this we’re pushing for an apology on behalf of polite, charming men everywhere for whom this kind of behaviour is anathema.”

“It’s not about money,” said Mark Hall, “We just want this popular recording star to admit that he got it horribly wrong, apologise to right-thinking gents the world over, and release a follow up single called ‘I’m really, really sorry for being a cad and a bounder’.”

If the legal route does not come to fruition, socked.co.uk have a final course of action that it is willing to undertake.

“As gentlemen of the first water, it behoves us to challenge Mr Psy to a duel,” said Hall, “because this is how proper gentlemen settle our differences in matters of honour.”

Hall is mindful that Psy’s two years of military service may have left him particularly useful with duelling pistols, so suggests a dance-off until either party achieves satisfaction.

“Ballroom, the dance of Gentlemen, or it’s no dice. There’ll be no prancing about Gangnam Style like a horse in matters of honour,” said Hall. “Also, for logistical reasons, it has to be within twenty miles of Leeds City Centre.”

With Father’s Day just around the corner, you are almost certainly on the verge of panic-buying a last-minute present for the old man.

Relax. Just about everybody who has a father is panic-buying a present for their dad, so you’re not alone. Studies show that 93% of Father’s Day presents are bought after 5pm on the day before.

The average father has simple needs, which – paradoxically – makes it difficult to choose the ideal Father’s Day gift. Boiled down to its simplest terms, all dad wants is to be left alone for just one day, and something that doesn’t have “World’s Best Dad” printed on it in large, jaunty block capitals.

You can forget, then, anything that is advertised on television as “The ideal gift for Father’s Day”, because it almost certainly nothing of the sort. The latest of these outrages is a three CD collection of trucking songs, which your father will destroy with fire, even if he drives a truck for a living.

If your father IS a truck driver, we’d heartily recommend the 600 page blockbuster that is the Encyclopaedia of Truck Driving Serial Killers, but we expect he’s got it already (joke).

You may be tempted by beer and chocolate. These may be initially welcomed by the old man, but they are cheap and short-lived. In the words of Forrest Gump: “Life is like a box of chocolates. One box in ten thousand contains an enraged weasel with rabies.”

Unless you want to kill your dad with rabies, avoid the beer and chocolate route.

We’ve thought long and hard about this, and it is our firm conclusion that the idea Father’s Day present is one where you don’t actually have to see the old fella (see “Leave me alone for just one day”) and a long-lasting gift that doesn’t contain the words “World’s Best Dad” in large jaunty block capitals.

We wager this pub is full of curs and idiots

To this end, we offer you the chance to delight and amaze your dad with a subscription from socked.co.uk. A present that keeps on giving, it’s the ideal gift for Father’s Day, Christmas, Easter, his birthday and probably Hallowe’en as well.

Say no to dads with rabies. Buy socks.

At some stage in his life, the aspiring gentleman may find himself employed in the most soul-crushing and mentally sapping pursuit ever devised by the human species – working in an office.

You may console yourself that this may only be a temporary state of affairs as you progress toward your true calling of gentleman adventurer, Guards officer, or lion tamer. This, however, does not address the immediate need, which is to pass the time as quickly and painlessly as possible with the minimum effort.

The true gentleman or gentlewoman does not defraud their employer (unless his employer is involved in illegal activity himself, then fill your boots), so the onus is on you to ensure that your duties are fulfilled with all due diligence and accuracy. Once these first fifteen minutes of your working day are complete, there is the problem of how to fill the other eight hours without being caught lolly-gagging.

In our long experience of working in Her Majesty’s Civil Service (it was only five months, but it appeared to last decades) we have perfected these work avoidance schemes:

1. Look out of the window. There’s an old civil service joke that goes “Why don’t civil servants look out of the windows in the morning? To give them something to do in the afternoon.” Our office overlooked a car park, and we spent fruitful afternoons graphing which were the most popular colours. It was blue. We worked for the Ministry of Agriculture.

2. Toilet breaks. You can spend hours on the toilet, but beware the rustling of the newspaper, or snoring. Other dangers include leaving a big red circle on your bottom from the seat.

3. Visit the “other office”. If your organisation is based in more than one building, take advantage of this fact to do a bit of shopping. Smart workers will arrange an exchange scheme with an employee on the other site, so you can take turns to visit each other. Eventually you will marry, and after twenty or so years, get a divorce.

4. Hold a meeting. Meetings are the biggest time-waster in the history of the planet, so it is your duty to hold these as often as possible. Make sure that people have plenty to do, so bring in games.

5. Surf the internet. Odds are that you are a bored office employee reading this during working hours. Well done. Don’t get caught.

6. Cigarette breaks. Falling out of fashion now it has emerged that smoking can actually kill you TO DEATH. Non-smokers dislike the fact that their nicotine-stained colleagues get to spend hours of their day puffing in a clapped out and reeking old bus shelter when they should be working. Convince your boss that as a former smoker yourself, you need to stand outside for an hour every day as part of your rehab.

7. Make tea. In Tom Baker’s autobiography he revealed his mother would drink 33 cups of tea every day “One for each year of Jesus’s life”. The lightweight. If you are not constantly making tea, you should be in the nearby convenience store buying tea supplies and biscuits and cake, otherwise you are doing it wrong.

8. Lunch break. From 11am to 3pm.

We think that covers all the bases. Good luck in your future career!

In the wake of our Top Ten Movie Beards, it is only reasonable to celebrate those who have achieved the very pinnacle of well-groomed facial hair.

We cannot deny that this has been a tough choice. The movie world is full of excellent facial hair, and because of this, we’ve had to say goodbye to David Niven and a whole pile of stiff upper-lipped World War Two movies.

1. Will Ferrell – Anchorman
He is the number one news anchor in San Diego. He has many leather-bound books and his apartment smells of rich mahogany. Also, he has better facial hair than you’ll ever own.

2. Donald Sutherland – Invasion of the Body Snatchers
Kiefer’s dad has made a career out f moustache wearing. We choose “Body Snatchers” simply for any excuse to show you this picture.

3. Sean Connery – The Man Who Would Be King
Adopted from Kipling’s book of the same name, Connery threw himself into the part with these magnificent whiskers. More than can be said for Caine.

4. Billy Dee Williams – The Empire Strikes Back
Lando Calrissian has the greatest moustache in all of Science Fiction. End of argument.

5. Burt Reynolds – Smokey and the Bandit
Reynolds is another career moustache-wearer. Except in Deliverance, where he is strangely clean-shaven, and that bothers us.

6. Peter Sellers – The Pink Panther
We are puzzled. How could a man who would probably cut his own head off shaving manage such a marvellous moustache?

7. Groucho Marx – Duck Soup

A top ten movie moustache list would be NOTHING without Groucho.

8. Charlie Chaplin – The Great Dictator
And speaking of vintage facial hair, Charlie Chaplin is clearly the man who started the entire genre. Strangely, you don’t see many Hitler moustaches these days. Wonder why…

9. Samuel L Jackson – Pulp Fiction
In which the bible-quoting Jules shoots some people completely to death, and wears the best moustache in movie history. Mr L Jackson – we salute you.

10. Bruno Ganz – Downfall
You may know him from such YouTube Classics as “Hitler Discovers Sir Alex Ferguson Has Retired” and “Hitler Discovers Oasis Have Split Up”. However, Bruno Ganz starred in a whole film about Hitler, where he discovered that he had lost World War II.

There is no greater pleasure for the meat-eater than getting one’s teeth into a fine, well-prepared and well cooked steak.

However, many of us are prepared to settle for a second-rate meal, tossed off on a grill at the local carvery with a handful of mushrooms, exactly six peas, seven chips and a visit to the salad cart.

This will not do, and it is the duty of the gentleman (or, indeed, gentlewoman) to be able to produce the finest steak dinner known to humanity, before guzzling it down with lager and/or your second-cheapest wine in front of Britain’s Got Talent.

As anybody who has followed these gentlemen’s guides long enough know, the secret is not to cut corners. For a start – don’t go to the supermarket for your slab of meat, take yourself to a proper butcher’s shop, where you will get to make your choice without having to prod at it through layers of cellophane.

You’ll be after a prime cut, and as much or as little fat as your taste allows. We’re not bit fans of crisped up-fat, so we ask for it to be trimmed.

The big-name chefs differ over how best to cook your steak, but we know a few things.

– Have your meat at room temperature before you cook. For some reason, your bit of cow doesn’t like to be cold, so wrap in cling film and immerse in warm water for a while

– Season to taste. Some mad people like to cover their juicy, tender steak with hot pepper and murder it entirely to death. These madmen should be dragged out of the kitchen and banned for life. Salt, on the other hand, leaves a fine crispy outer coating which we swear by, as does a bit of crushed garlic. If you’re into a honey glaze or anything of that ilk, we’re not going to stop you. We’re just going to pity you

– Cook. The gentleman chef turns his back on the grill and pan fries his meat. Yes, the grill is healthier as the fat drips away, but so do those flavours and juices that make a steak the joy that it is. A grilled steak is a dry steak and a waste of time. A high heat is good for a thin steak as you can be sure it cooks quickly, evenly and retains those meaty juices. For a thick steak (that’s us), a moderate heat helps it cook all the way through without charring the outside.

– Turn frequently. This keeps the juices in and stops any one side cooking too much.

– Serve. Oh. You want other stuff with the steak? Why didn’t you say? Slap it between some fresh bread with a load of fried onions. The perfect steak sandwich, fit for any gentleman’s plate.

The cinema is blessed with characters sporting excellent facial hair. In fact, in our humble opinion, modern film making would not be where it is today without a superb growth of facial hair.

This being the case, we unveil this Official Top Ten of Beards In Films

1. Tony Stark (Ironman, Avengers)

Behold, the new king of the movie beard. What else would you do as a billionaire playboy with a hobby of occasionally saving the world? Grow awesome facial hair, that’s what.

2. General Zod (Superman II)

“Bow before Zod!” Terence Stamp ordered. We’d bow before that beard any day of the week (not sexy slang)

3. Obi-Wan Kenobi (Star Wars)

Poor Sir Alec Guinness. One of the greatest stage and screen actors these isles have ever produced, and he gets remembered for playing an old hippy in a science fiction movie. He hated it. I bet he still went “Thrrrrrm Zmmmm!” when he did the light sabre parts, though.

4. Rasputin (Nicholas and Alexandra)

The mad monk was played by future Doctor Who Tom Baker in 1971 in one of his defining roles. But you can’t fool us – the beard’s the star.

5. Clubber Lang (Rocky III)

Or, to you, Mr T. Fools were pitied in this film, and we pity the fool who mocks these superbly coiffed bit of face fuzz

6. Prince Vultan (Flash Gordon)

In fact, any role played by the marvellously loud Brian Blessed. “Gordon’s Alive!” And where pretty sure there’s things alive in his beard

7. Dumbledore & Hagrid (Harry Potter)

FACT: Both Dumbledore and Hagrid had the same beard in the Harry Potter movies, and it was only through the magic of the Boy Wizard himself that they never appeared on screen together at the same time. The beard also appeared on Ron Weasley in a deleted scene in “Philosopher’s Stone”, before going solo and ending up on…

8. Gandalf (Lord of the Rings)

The fine facial hair worn by Hagrid, Dumbledore and Ron Weasley couldn’t turn down the offer to appear in the Rings trilogy, and found a welcome place on the chin of Magneto out of X Men.

9. Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean)

The jury’s out on the concept of beard decorations, but we’re prepared to give a free pass to Depp because he’s excellent.

10. Steven Spielberg (Jaws, ET, everything)

And one from behind the camera – the world’s greatest film maker himself. But without the beard, would Close Encounters have been the blockbuster it was?

Answer: Yes, probably.

The shaking of hands is one of the universal constants of being a gentleman.

It shows respect.

It seals a seal.

It’s a greeting.

And most of all, it shows your adversary that you are unarmed. Unarmed, that is, apart from that length of lead piping in your other hand with which to stove the cur’s brains in if things turn against you.

Qadaffi, according to reports, had a limp, sweaty handshake and smelled of fart gas.

The art of the handshake is a not a complex one, unless you are part of a society that means you have to roll up one leg of your trousers to gain membership. In which case, it is a series of secret tickles of the palm that mark you out as the kind of person who might be “on the level”.

We here at Socked did not understand the importance of the handshake, until – as feckless youths – we are granted admission to a working men’s club and found that half the evening was spent shaking hands with people.

If you don’t shake hands, you are showing a lack of respect, and, in certain circles where those who break the social code end up with their head nailed to the coffee table, you might as well have spat in their eye and handed over a hammer, some of B&Q’s finest ironmongery, and an IKEA gift voucher.

Shaking hands like a gentleman – unless you are of the tickly-palm type – couldn’t be simpler.

The secret, in fact, is all in the grip.

Too tight and you intimidate the other person into thinking you are a brute and a bully.

Too loose, and the other party thinks you are a wet fish. Apart from a large number of other things with tend to involve violent and painful death, there is nothing so bad in this world as a limp, sweaty handshake.

For maximum effect, follow this easy-to-remember six-point plan:

1. Offer your right hand.

2. Look the other party in the eye.

3. Grip firmly, but not too tightly.

4. A greeting may be exchanged at this point.

5. Fist-bumps and man-hugs may be optional, depending on your hierarchy in the street gang.

6. Disengage.

Some things NOT to do:

Jazz Hands – Good Lord man, this isn’t Glee.

Spit and shake: Never, even if you have just sealed a business deal. Are you a cowboy? No, you are not a cowboy. Spitting-and-shaking is for imbeciles and people who wish to spread deadly incurable diseases.

High Five: Let’s leave high-fiving to Top Gun, and people who like Top Gun. Are you Tom Cruise? No, you are not Tom Cruise.

Remember: Hand-shaking is important. Gentlemen shake hands.

Gentlemen! I am sure that many of you are unreconstructed meat eaters like myself. I think nothing of heading out into the wilds with the old elephant gun, bagging myself a brace of elephant and roasting them slowly over an open flame in the traditional manner. On other occasions, I may simply take the old elephant gun down to Gregg’s and buy one of their bacon-and-cheese melt because they are tasty gorgeous.

However, a wake-up call courtesy of my Doctor led me to re-evaluate my entire life as a carnivore. I remember sitting in the old Quack’s surgery, blood still dripping off my chin from a road-kill antelope I had feasted on minutes before, as he lectured me on my expanding waist-line and a blood test that came back with the note “How is this person still alive?” One more bacon-and-cheese melt could put me six feet under, he said. “Is it worth the risk?” he thundered.

I considered my future over a bacon-and-cheese melt, and thought – dammit – I’ll give it a shove and share my experiences with the fine gentlemen at socked.co.uk, for I owe them that much.

Happily, I found that giving up meat wasn’t as bad as expected. Firstly, our local health food shop is directly next door to Gregg’s, so I can still take advantage of their free wifi without clogging up the old arteries.

Second, came the stunning realisation that Quorn bacon tastes exactly like bacon these days ONLY WITHOUT THE KILLER BACON. Unfortunately, we are still trying to find ways of deep-frying it with cheese in a manner that won’t kill me entirely TO DEATH, but one step at a time.

Here’s a handy plan for you gentleman and gentlewomen who are thinking of giving up meat:

1. Make a conscious decision and stick to it. Whether it comes from the horror of eating cute, but dead, fluffy animals; or the knowledge that bacon will kill you it doesn’t really matter.

2. Eat stuff that doesn’t have meat in it. Avoid things like scurvy, rickets and dying of starvation by finding things with protein and other good things in them. Eggs are good, and only become bad once they turn into actual chickens. Try out soy alternatives which don’t taste like cardboard. Don’t try actual cardboard.

3. Trial and error. It took me weeks to discover which meat-free alternatives tasted like cardboard, compared to others which taste like weeks-old under-crackers. I’ve even – knowingly – eaten falafel and went back for more. This doesn’t make me a bad person.

4. Controversial one this: Most militant veggies (of which I am not) would hound me out of veggie club for saying this, but cave in and have a burger every now and then. With large fries and an extra-thick shake, because you’re worth it. This is especially true when travelling abroad when the words “Have you got a vegetarian option?” come across as “I’m weird, please look at me as if I am fondling myself in public”.

We here at Socked don’t like to preach, and are quite happy to see you all ignore this advice and openly feast upon spit-roast ostrich with all the trimmings. All I know is that my trousers are so loose they keep falling down in public, and that’s all thanks to a new horrible bacon-free diet. That’s what I told the magistrate, anyway.

We are fortunate, in this country, that you are never more than a few miles from civilisation, a nice cup of tea and a comfy sofa. But venture abroad, and you could find yourself one wrong turn away from hundreds of miles of featureless desert or frozen tundra.

However, with our weather becoming increasingly unpredictable, preparing your car for the very worst could one day pay dividends.

I remember one such time, stranded for several hours with a flat battery and nothing but the mournful wails of my companion for company, and I was glad for my emergency supplies and warm equipment, even though it was a rainy Thursday evening on the inner ring road in Reading.

So, what should the well-prepared gent keep in the trunk of his automobile?

1. Tool kit – On top of your jack and tyre wrench, don’t forget a basic tool kit including a socket set, a screwdriver, and a great big hammer. Especially the great big hammer

2. First aid kit – We’ve actually had use of our in-car first aid kit. Bit my fingernails down too far listening to the football on the radio, utter bloodbath

3. Phone – Seriously, in this day and age, you’d be bonkers to go on a journey without a means of contact. Back in the seventies, my mum always sent me out with 2p for a public phone box, which I  blew on Dial-a-Disc

4. Blankets – Even in the British summer, you could need blankets if you break down at night. Also, handy for a picnic

5. Emergency food – No need for a banquet. Just a few high energy bars just in case you’re far from home, and a tin of sucky sweets in case you pick up an elderly hitch hiker

6. Tow rope – More useful then you think, we were recently shanghaied into a formation skipping team and this little beauty bribed our way out

7. Shovel – I am writing this in May. Now is the ideal time to get a snow shovel, because they have them in stock at hugely reduced prices. Also, buy a Christmas tree in January. Top tip, there.

8. Water – both for the car and for yourself. If your motor overheats, you’ve got a supply. If you overheat, you’re not going to die. Simple.

9. Warning Triangle – Not an absolute necessary, but it pays to be safe if your car breaks down at night. (Note: A warning triangle is not necessary if entertaining a gentlewoman in a layby)

10. Packet of tissues – Because picking your nose at the traffic lights is neither big nor clever

Three Things The Gentleman Should Not Have In His Car

1. Stick-on eyelashes

2. “Powered by fairy-dust” sticker

3. Nodding novelty meerkat

No, really. Don’t

Socks are – without shadow of a doubt – the number one item of clothing to put on your feet if you discount “shoes”, “boots” and “carpet slippers”. But did you know…

FACT: Socks were invented by Sir Edmund Sock during the industrial revolution, as a means of selling thirty miles of tubular fabric produced by a broken spinning machine. Before Sir Edmund’s intervention, people simply wore sacks on their feet.

FACT: The world’s most expensive sock is the £30m Emperor Diamond Sock, woven with precious jewels and gold thread. It is – however – completely useless as its makers neglected to create a pair.

FACT: America’s leading sock manufacturer the Tupelo Sock Inc bit the dust after an ill-fated plan to sell socks in threes to give buyers an extra sock in case one got lost. Puzzled buyers just left them on the shelf causing one of the greatest sock business calamities of our modern age.

FACT: Punters are already queuing outside Apple Stores for the new iSock, which is set to revolutionise sock wearing. The company claims the iSock will wipe out the need for shoes, but critics say they’re just slippers with a £200 price tag.

FACT: To prevent losing socks, simply tie them to a 100 yard piece of rope. When they fall into an alternative dimension, just give the rope a sharp tug to pull your socks back.

FACT: The peak time for buying socks is ten minutes before the shops close on Christmas Eve. Many customers are unaware that socks are available to purchase all year round, from …Yep you guessed it .

FACT: Why have the following dead world leaders all got in common? Mao Tse-Tung – Adolf Hitler – Mu’ammar al-Qadaffi – Josef Stalin. WHITE SOCKS.

FACT: The billionaire Sultan of Brunei owns the world’s largest sock drawer, which is spread over three storeys of his mansion and has a staff of thirty.

FACT: Human evolution means that socks will have to be redesigned to account for an extra toe by the year 5,000,000 AD.

FACT: The cheese smell in socks comes not from human bacteria being passed into the material (as so-called ‘scientists’ and ‘doctors’ claim), but from the Sock Fairy who comes at night and rubs his smelly cheese into your socks. The Sock Fairy doubles up as the Tooth Fairy, explaining why you often wake up with a crusty sock under your pillow.

Following on from our award winning black sock infographic we had numerous requests to provide the lesser ranked members of society with a white sock infographic they could call their own and for it to serve as a stern warning for anyone thinking about white socking. Don’t do it.

Warning this article may contain the words “erect”, “erection” and “pole”. None of these are laughing matters.

With the arrival of summer comes the urge to leave the comforts of the home and go and live under canvas on a camping trip. The gentleman, of course, is thoroughly prepared for a camping trip, and ensures that he has all the correct equipment before he leaves home.

In fact, it is wise to have a collection of tents, gas cookers, sleeping bag, water carriers, etcetera, just in case Johnny North Korea goes through with his threat to unleash his nuclear arsenal, blowing us back to the stone age.

The true gentleman rejects “glamping”, luxury camping where he rolls up in his Range Rover to a tent already erected with all mod cons laid on, right up to satellite TV and a sunken bath. You may as well book into a hotel and be done with it. Proper camping is a man in a field, putting up his tent in a howling gale, while his lady wife and miserable children huddle in the car saying “Why aren’t we in a hotel?” and other challenges to the gentleman’s way of doing things.

The most important part of erecting your tent is choosing the correct pitch. Find a flat area, and ensure that it is not likely to turn into a raging torrent of water should it rain heavily. Remove stones, sticks and any deposits left behind by farm animals and wild creatures.

There are different kinds of tents, some of which have built-in ground sheets, while others require the building of tent-pole frame. However, the principle is more or less the same.

Lay your tent out, achoosing where you want to put the door. This is incredibly important, as a) you don’t want the weather blowing in through the gap at all hours, and b) other campers really don’t want to see you scratching your parts first thing in the morning.

If it’s a frame tent, lift the canvas over the built frame and peg out. This will take you forever, as even the most diligently prepared roll of canvas becomes a mass of confused cloth within seconds, but you are done.

If it’s not, peg out the corners of your tent canvas. Then crawl inside the blighter and insert your pole in the correct aperture. This may take several attempts and will make you look ridiculous, so it is a job best deleegated to a small child. Once you’ve got your pole in the right place, it is time to erect your tent, and for this you may need assistance. With your camping companions holding your poles erect, peg out the rest of the tent base and any guy ropes that are required. Instruct your companions to let go of the poles, and in most cases the tent will not collapse. And with a space safely enclosed, add any inner tents before moving in your cooking and sleeping equipment.

Then, with your centre of operations established, it is time to stride out into the countryside, leave gates open, drop litter, set fire to things, and annoy farmers. Or, go home in a huff the second it rains.

A word of genuine warning: Under no circumstances light a barbecue inside your tent or under an awning. Barbecues – even when extinguished – release carbon monoxide gas, which will kill you UTTERLY TO DEATH. Is that cremated sausage really worth it?

The back garden barbecue: The annual battle between man, the elements and pork sausage.

With the sun appearing from behind show-bearing clouds for the ten-minutes that comprise the British summer, thoughts turn to inviting friends and relations for a drink-fuelled party featuring vast quantities of charred meat products.

The temptation, of course, is to do one of three things: Buy a job lot of three-for-a-quid disposable barbecues from your local petrol station, or spend two hundred on a state-of-the-art gas-powered monstrosity from your town’s DIY warehouse.

We don’t have to tell you that neither of these are the work of a gentleman. The true gentleman uses his skill,cunning and a rusty old barbecue rescued from the back of the garage and a sack of charcoal.

The skill, of course, is all in the preparation. The true barbecue connoisseur spends much of the night before preparing his meat products, marinating ribs, chops and slabs of dead cow to perfection. The gentleman may also prepare  such alternatives as corn-on-the-cob and jacket potatoes to prove that he is nothing if not diverse and caters for the vegetarians.

The lighting of the barbecue is critical, and is the defeat of many a gentleman. We would allow the soaking of some coals in lighter fluid for the less skilled, but we live to impress onlookers with a fire constructed from kindling, pine cones and small sticks that serve as the start of your charcoal-driven conflagration.

Do not be impatient to load your barbecue with food. This is the major error made by far too many, resulting in meat charred to a crisp on the outside, red raw on the inside, and your guests squirting away like a brown laser for the next two days. A low, even heat with glowing embers is just dandy, and cooks your meat thoroughly and evenly.

We once went to an event where the host bunged the whole lot onto roaring flames. The result was three scraps of chicken shared between nine people, and an emergency posse sent out on a Sunday evening to find a takeaway that was open. A failure that is now on that particular gentleman’s permanent record for all to see.

Usual table etiquette goes to the wind: Serve the food as it’s cooked, for that is the price you pay for being an excellent host. However, this hardship can be more than alleviated with an effective “Kiss the chef” apron-and-hat set.

And then, as the embers die down: The killer blow. Throw on some bananas, wait until they split open and serve with cream or ice cream. You, sir, will be a hero.

Then, you may come in out of the rain.

Recent events have left us here at Socked pondering our own mortality. Death is something we ponder quite often, as the life-cycle of the low-quality novelty sock is a short one and it is our task to equip gentlemen with long-lasting quality footwear that – coincidentally – looks great at funerals.

The one thing we ponder most often is our funeral play list. While you’re not going to be in much of a position to hear it for yourself, the music you choose for your send-off is going to be the last thing your nearest, dearest, debtors and gloaters will remember you by.

To this end, you’re going to need (excuse the pun) at least three killer tracks for the ceremony – the entrance music, something in the middle, and the exit music as your mortal remains trundle down the conveyor to the oven.

You might think you can leave these things to those you leave behind, but rest assured they’ll mess it up, and you’ll enter eternity only be remembered by the Birdie Song, Robbie Williams’ Angels and My Heart Will Go On. People will look back on you not as a gentleman of impeccable taste, but like this: A git.

The pattern you should go for is this: Something classical – something inspiring – something uplifting. And when the old Grim Reaper comes to call these are our current choices:

Entrance music:
You’ll be wanting something quiet, respectful and certainly not “Mars: The Bringer of War” (unless you are a recently deceased member of a motorcycle gang, then have it your own way, man). We haven’t got the wit and imagination to listen to Classic FM and pick out a piece, but we know our ambient when we hear it. That’s why we’re being carried in shoulder high to Brian Eno’s An Ending

Music for the Eulogy: Sigur Ros – Hoppipola
Translating as “Jumping in Puddles”, it may be in Icelandic, but who cannot fail to be moved by its entire joyful message? Move Heaven and Earth to get them – somehow – to show the video. Believe you me, the punters will be in floods at the back.

Exit Music: The big one. We had my heart set on The Jam’s Going Underground, but that sort of dark humour is not the work of a gentleman. Instead, we went for something uplifting with a bit of class, and isn’t in those top ten lists of most popular funeral songs for people with no imagination. That’s why we’ve gone for Let’s Dance by David Bowie. The Thin White Duke wins, again.

A pretty inspired choice, we think you’ll agree, but one likely to change within a week after we change our minds yet again. Now for the vexed question of the Wake Party Mix Tape. Sex Pistols or no Sex Pistols? We’ve got nervous Great Aunts to offend.

How to have a proper wet shave

When it comes to personal grooming, today’s gentleman has never had it so easy. There’s no end of electrical gadgets and manly-smelling products to give you that feeling of almost-but-not-quite gentlmanliness.

There are so many short cuts these days when it comes to shaving, the old art of the proper wet shave is in danger of being entirely forgotten. Chemicals claiming to be soap come out of a can, and whiskers are shaved off with a razor with so many blades, the whole effect is industrial. Let’s not forget the price of those tiny, tiny blades – for that money, I’d expect them to be diamond-edged.

All that before we even think about the electric razor, which is fine if you’re a fan of having your face mangled. Which I’m not, on the whole.

No! The proper gent has a good old-fashioned wet shave which leaves his cheeks as soft as a baby’s posterior. Assuming that you do not employ a gentleman’s gentleman, and your local barber only offers haircuts and something for the weekend, you will have to undertake this delightful routine yourself. And if great-grandad Percy managed every morning in the trenches, you can manage it yourself.

(It’s worth pointing out that great-grandad Percy never actually served in WW1, but claimed insanity and lived in a number of holes and trenches dug in the front garden. Heaven knows how he managed to father nine children, but he never forgot to shave)

First, the gentleman must have the proper kit. We’ll have none of these disposal plastic razors with a billion blades, for you only need the one. We recommend a good old-fashioned safety razor for which replacement blades are readily available.

Then splash out on a good badger hair brush. Make sure the badger has finished with it first, for there’s nothing worse than enraged mammalia when trying to shave. And then some quality shaving cream. As in all jobs, avoid the cheap stuff and wallow in luxury.

First things first: Get your beard ready. I once had a long discussion about this with one of Britain’s best-known writers, who recommended shaving straight out of the shower, having washed and conditioned your beard at the same time as your hair. And – By Gad! – he was correct. A dry, unprepared beard is a road direct to Mr T’s good friend PAIN.

Put some cream in your shaving mug, and lather up with the brush and a little water. There’s no feeling like fresh lather on skin, and if you sit on your hand for ten minutes before, you can pretend that somebody else is doing it.

Now shave. With a properly sharpened safety razor, you don’t need to press down, the blade itself should be sufficient to remove the beard. You may need to go over the same spot several times to shave down to the skin. The golden rule is not to be impatient. Get the angle of the blade right, and go with the grain. That way you won’t end up with blood everywhere and facing the day looking like an explosion in a tissue factory.

Finish off by rinsing with a bit of cold water, then applying a splash of after-shave. I don’t know about you, but I get after-shave every Christmas and birthday, not to mention an Old Spice Easter Egg every spring. I’ve got so much after-shave my bathroom is a major fire risk. Now’s the time to use it up, either splashing it all over, or as exotic cocktails for your house guests.

Having wallowed in decadence, you are now ready to face the day. Remember to dress first before leaving the house – after a good hard wallow, this is an easy mistake to make.

The Gentleman’s Guide to the Mini Roundabout

The Mini Roundabout. The ultimate battle between man, machine, and circle of white paint in the middle of the road.

We at Socked view the mini roundabout not as an obstruction or a nuisance to sensible driving, but as an opportunity to demonstrate our gentlemanly conduct to the world, one driver at a time.

We have a special interest in this very British of road features: Our Applied Mathematics tutor at college – a man who routinely wore checked flared trousers and a sensible cardigan to work – claimed to have been one of the inventors of the device back in the days when he was in the employ of Satan, Prince of Darkness. We trust that there will be a very special circle of Hell waiting for him, with long traffic queues (Warning: Applied maths joke approaching) in a frictionless vaccum.

Mr Bean Gentleman Driver

As much as the driver dislikes the mini roundabout, there are no excuses for disobeying the rules of the road. No matter how thick the paint, a mini roundabout should not be used as a launching ramp for your car. You are not a character in the popular television series The Dukes of Hazzard, and that’s how you break things. Fine if you break your car. Not fine if you break other people.

Even if it was installed by some sort of car-hating maniac, the mini roundabout should be treated like any other road junction. Give way to traffic approaching from your right, signal your intentions, and move through the junction as safely as possible. If you have hands free (for example, if your chauffeur is driving), a polite wave to other road users always hits the spot. Try not to spill your cocktail.

However, the concept of the mini-roundabout has one fatal flaw: The Three-Way Approach. If three drivers reach a mini-roundabout simultaneously all intending to turn right, there develops a stand-off that is unique to Britishness where everybody is too polite to pull out first. In extreme cases, this stand-off can go on for quite some time, and I was once trapped for three days fearful of committing some dreadful motoring faux-pas.

Clearly, some sort of process is required to ensure that this potentially embarrassing train of events doesn’t happen. In some areas, local councils use a concept called “traffic lights” to control the movement of cars, but they are an Abomination Unto The Lord, and we doubt they will catch on.

Instead, we recommend a gentlemanly way of settling the issue, such as offering the other drivers out for a duel, or, if you have an aversion to blood and death: Rock, Scissors, Paper. The true gentleman uses the secret gentleman’s version: Rock, Scissors, Paper, Rocket Launcher. The Rocket Launcher always wins.

Drive on, sir!

UFOs Responsible For Missing Socks – New Evidence

Government data on Flying Saucers explains the national obsession of looking for lost socks.

Recent reports made public from the National Archive have shown an increasing number of UFO sightings over the United Kingdom since the Second World War; which high-level defence, weather and technology experts have gone to great lengths to explain.

However, the rise of ‘flying saucer’ sightings has a direct correlation to the steady increase of lost socks over the last decades, which Ministry of Defence officials have been quite unable – or unwilling – to explain, Britain’s hardest-working sock subscription service has found out.

“It’s obvious,” Mark Hall, Gentleman Creation and Alien Liaison Officer at socked.co.uk, said whilst adjusting his tin-foil hat, “You think your lost socks have been eaten by the washing machine, or lost down the back of the bed. They haven’t.”

“It can only be aliens, helping themselves to a decent wardrobe one sock at a time.”

Figures released by the government show a steady stream of UFO sightings over Britain, often near major population centres where people have recently lost socks.

“Just last year,” the socked.co.uk spokesman remarked, “two unidentified craft were spotted over London during the Olympic opening ceremony. The next day we had reports from all over the capital of lost socks.

“The evidence is there if you care to go out and look for it. Never mind that ‘citation needed’ rubbish on Wikipedia – the truth is out there, in sock form.”

Since the early 1990s, a spike of sock disappearances has coincided with what has become known as the “Falkirk Triangle”, an area of central Scotland where there are some 300 UFO sightings every year. While some say the sightings are little more than aircraft and natural phenomena, there are those who see sinister work – quite literally – afoot.

“Again,” said Hall, sitting in his office under a vast ‘I Want To Believe’ poster, ” these are major population areas. Socks go missing all the time here. Aliens, I tell you. Aliens.”

“You should see how many pairs of socks we have to ship to Scotland to cover for these losses. There can be no earthly explanation.”

The Socked spokesman pointed out that the best way to fight these alien invaders is with a regular socked.co.uk subscription. All Socked socks are guaranteed to be 100 per cent alien resistant.

The true gentleman avoids manual labour at all costs, but as we all know, there are circumstances when he is forced to roll up his sleeves and get stuck in.

Take this highly unlikely scenario which happened to me just the other week: Forced to relieve my usually reliable chauffeur of his employment for that completely out-of-character “Fast and Furious” business, I was forced to drive myself into town to visit my chums at the Drones Club.

Imagine my surprise, emerging from the club several hours later after a lucky streak on the billiards table, to find one of the tyres on my Bentley deflated and an impressive brown present left on the driver’s seat. DNA evidence later pointed to my former employee, and as we speak, wild dogs are running him down in the Essex countryside as my pals in the local constabulary turn a blind eye.

And – back to the streets behind the Drones Club – I was left with a stinker of a problem. That being my dread of manual labour and the replacement of the destroyed tyre. However – Dunkirk spirit and all that – one gets stuck in when one must, and for your benefit and based entirely on my own experience, is how to change a tyre:

1. Ensure, if you can, that the vehicle is on level ground, and away from dangerous traffic and vengeful former employees.

2. Apply the handbrake and leave in first gear, to ensure your car does not roll away.

3. Remove the spare tyre from its storage. Remove any wheel trim from the tyre to be replaced, and get the jack ready. There may also be a tyre iron, which is completely useless unless you find yourself attacked by bears.

4. Put the jack in one of the recommended jacking points and lift the car slightly, but ensure the wheel is still on the ground.

Jack was a whizz at changing tyres

5. Loosen the wheel nuts. If you own a new-fangled vehicle, you may need to use the locking nuts supplied with your car. It is at this point that you remember that you left them in your kitchen drawer at home.

5½. Take taxi home. Spend thirty minutes searching for the locking nuts which will turn up in the downstairs toilet for no apparent reason. Take taxi back to your car, only to find you’ve left it unlocked and some cur has stolen your Sat-Nav and Queen Greatest Hits CD.

6. Jack the car up the rest of the way, completely remove wheel nuts and take off wheel.

7. Replacing the wheel is the reverse process to removing. Except you probably don’t have to nip home for anything, unless your bladder is bursting and the Drones is locked for the night; remembering that the last time this happened, you ended up in front of the magistrate over an unfortunate understanding with a policeman’s helmet.

8. Groan inwardly as you realise you have absent-mindedly wiped your oil-stained hands on the front of a £300 pair of Savile Row trousers.

9. Groan inwardly again, as you realise you have sat in your former chauffeur’s brown present.

10. Drive home, forming a plan of revenge (the subject of a future “How to” guide, noting that former chauffeurs fall below the threshold for duelling)

We here at Socked are not fans of cold-blooded murder. The act of homicide is something we do not encourage in the slightest, for it is not the work of a gentleman.

But let us assume the circumstances have taken on a mind of their own, and you find yourself in the highly inconvenient position of having a corpse on the hearth rug of your best parlour, the butler having high-tailed it for the continental ferry with a bloody length of lead piping and the family silver in his carpet bag. On top of that, the vicar has promised to pop round for tea, where he will assume the worst and have the constable on your back before you can explain your innocence.

Don Vito Corleone body disposal expert.

Hardly a circumstance any gentleman would wish to find themselves, but all too common in today’s society where it is impossible to hire serving staff that don’t have aspirations toward murder. Worst of all, this is the kind of thing that stains a gentleman’s reputation, and leads to averted eyes and tutting at golf club dinners.

In these desperate times, desperate measures are required, because it is the Devil’s own work to thoroughly dispose of a corpse, particularly when the local constabulary have been tipped off by a vengeful butler, seeking revenge for the time you publicly admonished him for serving red wine with the fish course. Sadly, whatever plan of action you choose to dispose of this poor cur, modern scientific method will almost certainly incriminate you if any trace is found.

Accepted wisdom these days is to feed the cadaver to the pigs, but even then they’ll almost certainly miss a bit, and there’s nothing worse than the milking girl finding a spare head and an arm as she makes for the cow shed, and then you’ve got another body on your hands.

Of course, the disposal must be a solo enterprise. Involving others is a recipe for blackmail, incrimination and an ever-growing list of people of whom you’re telling worried relatives “have gone for a long holiday to the Seychelles and they said they’re not coming back”.

This being the case, we recommend the following course of action: Dress the deceased in old clothes from a charity shop or jumble sale. Then, leave the body in the rough end of town, a handful of hair gleaned from your disloyal butler’s hair-brush in his right hand, the neck of a smashed bottle of whisky in his left. The forces of the law will assume the obvious – a fight over the last of their cheap booze – and crisis will be averted. A sizeable donation to the chief constable’s favourite charity will seal the deal.

Alternatively, just talk to the chappies who make value-brand meat pies for popular low-end supermarkets. We’re pretty sure they’ll be happy to help. Tastes like chicken, we’re told.

There are times in a gentleman’s life when the servants are on their annual half-day holiday and whist the lady wife is away on a all-nighter with her friends from the Heavy Artillery Regiment, that he has that rare chance of an evening alone that allows him to indulge himself and eat any bally thing he damn well pleases.

BE WARNED! These evenings of manly indulgence are fraught with danger, as the Eddie Murphy movie marathon and the set meal from the local takeaway establishment do nothing but disappoint. Many is the time that the wife has returned home in the early hours, sprawled over a gun carriage, to the sound of her husband’s moans of “I’ve eaten too much” and “Damn, you Murphy!”

While we can do nothing for the gentleman’s taste in viewing (though we recommend for such events the EVEN numbered Star Trek sequels), we can offer this one simple rule: Less is more. The one meal the gentleman should be eating on a solo night in is the fish finger sandwich.

And also: James May is WRONG

Although May looks a fop and a gentleman, he dresses like a scruff and is 100 per cent wrong about fish finger sandwiches. We know he is incorrect because he recommends some sort of mayonnaise-based jollop as a sauce, which betrays the kind of fluffy thinking that let French restaurants into this fine country.

The idea fish finger sandwich comes with one sauce and one sauce only: Tomato. And I will fight a duel with any gentleman who says otherwise.

Gin and Tonic is the ideal accompaniment to a fish finger sandwich

The process is simple

1. Prepare a gin and tonic (which will be addressed in a future How to Prepare the Ideal Gin and Tonic guide)

2. Put FIVE good quality fish fingers under a heated grill. Cook, turn, and cook again

3. Prepare another gin and tonic

4. Lightly butter two slices of fresh white bread. That’s crusty bread from a bakery-bought fresh loaf, and nothing else will do.

5. Prepare another gin and tonic

6. Spread a thin layer of tomato sauce over the bread. Arrange fish fingers with four along the bottom, one sideways across the top.

7. G&T

8. Spread another layer of tomato sauce over the fish fingers, apply top of sandwich

9. Eat in front of even-number Star Trek marathon, pausing only to shed a tear at the Spock funeral scene.

10. G&T, repeat steps 1-9 as hunger returns

This, we assure you, is the recipe for an ideal gentleman’s night in. And because the universe demands an equal and opposite reaction to all things, consider the poor chap eating his sandwich with mayonnaise in front of the odd-numbered Star Trek films. James May: You have our pity.

The world of sport is fraught with danger for the gentleman. Not the danger of injury or certain death, but that of playing the wrong sport. Once everybody knows you spend Thursday evenings down the local sports centre playing Badminton, no amount of sexist banter about playing partners in mini-skirts will save you, my friend.

To this end, we have compiled a listed of the ten sports approved by the National Association of Gentlemen, the gentlemen’s national association we just made up:

1. Cricket
Cricket is not a sport, more of a life choice. There’s equipment to maintain, choosing whether you bat or bowl, then what kind of bowler you are, the entire social aspect, the cut-and-thrust of political intrigues. To outsiders and wives, it is just middle-aged men throwing a ball about the village green. THEY ARE WRONG. In fact, cricket is so complex to the uninitiated that it will appear in a future Gentlemen’s Guide.

2. Rugby Union
Rugby Union is played by gentlemen who lack the finesse to play cricket, but wish to remain gentlemen. Union is all about observing a strict set of rules, the breaking of which results in debagging and social disgrace. It will help if you know the words to the Gentlemen’s National Anthem (“I’m a stupid dicky-di-dildo”) and don’t mind going through life without ears.

3. Rugby League
By necessity (for example, being in charge of an army unit putting down a mill workers’ rebellion), a gentleman might find himself working in the north of England. There, it is quite acceptable to take part in the working men’s alternative to Union code, providing nobody south of the Watford Gap border post is informed. You will note that League has 13 players instead of 15. This is so two may act as stretcher-bearers.

Unfortunately pipe smoking is no longer considered a sport

4. Ice Hockey
A sport invented by British soldiers, but shanghaied by our colonial chums. Best described as a fight where a sporting event broke out, the game involves skills with a long stick which would otherwise be illegal, therefore making it one the true gent should investigate Also, the man of the match wins a case of beer, which should happen in all sports.

5. Downhill Ski-ing
Another British invention (Are you sure? – Ed), skiing was discovered by secret agent James Bond when escaping from baddies in the Swiss Alps. Beforehand, the locals were utterly stranded every time it snowed, which was all the time. Like all sports we’ve invented, we’ve kindly allowed Johnny Foreigner roundly thrash us ever since.

6. Curling
Yes, I know what you’re thinking. What could possibly be gentlemanly about the poise, skill, strength, tactical thinking of bowling huge chunks of granite down an ice rink? I think you’ve just answered your own question. Just wait until they start doing it overarm.

7. Billiards
Not pool. Not snooker. Billiards. Three balls on a table the size of Mars in the back room of a Gentlemen’s Club off Pall Mall; wagers exchanging hands the size of the Venezuelan national debt whether “Squiggy” Saunders can score a winning hazard while hanging from the light shade. This is how gentlemen play sport.

8. Polo
Not to be confused with water polo, because the horses tend to drown. Helps if you are insanely rich and know people with names like “Tabitha” and “Prince William”.

9. Horse Racing
On no account should a gentleman take part in horse racing – they have specially trained lunatics who fulfil all training and riding functions. The Sport of Kings exists solely so that owners of the livestock may spend insane amounts of money on something that will eventually go mad and die. Ideal training, therefore, if you are a member of the aristocracy.

10. Squash Racquets
See notes about badminton (above). The only reason a gentleman should enter a municipal sports centre with a racquet is for the noble sport of Squash, in which two participants are locked in a wardrobe and forced to thrash each other with hard rubber balls. A sport of speed, cunning and painful revenge, it is the ideal preparation for the world of business.

You will note that neither Association Football nor Golf are on this list. And quite rightly too, for they are no sport for gentlemen of any stripe. Notable exceptions: Gary Lineker, that Irish golfing chappy who made us all cry.

“Fancy a drink, old man?”

BEWARE: These five words may sound innocent enough when you’re at a social event, but they are not. In the words of poor, dead Admiral Ackbar: “IT’S A TRAP!”

The world of drink is fraught with dangers, of which the trainee gentleman (ie, you) may not be fully aware. Many and legion are the dinner, reception or gathering that are spoiled by the incorrect choice of drink, spoiling the event for everybody.

Be warned: Once it is out that you are a poor judge of alcohol, with a preference for strong cider by the bucket, you might as well volunteer for a ten-year expedition up the Congo River because that’s how long your social diary will remain empty.

Mr Bill Murray gentleman drinker

We may, at this stage, bow to the fine example of the comedic genius of Mr Alastair James Belshaw Hay Murray and his creation “The Pub Landlord”. In the words of the otherwise uncouth Mr Landord: “Pint of bitter for the gents, fruit-based drink for the ladies.” While we would never mix with Mr Landlord socially, he is quite correct.

Lesson 1: Bitter not Lager. Real Ale is the drink of choice of the English gentleman. A country pub at Sunday lunchtime, a pint of Old Scrotum in his hand, telling anybody who’d listen how he’d run the country. This is heaven. Lager, on the other hand, is imported either from the colonies, or countries we have roundly thrashed in open warfare and/or cricket. Avoid, for it is the Drink of Failure.

Lesson Two: Gin and Tonic. The Drink That Built The Empire. While Real Ale is for public houses, Gin and Tonic is the drink of choice for social events. Never mind the fact that it tastes like horse wee strained through month-worn underpants, drinking any other spirit during a social engagement will mark you down as a cad, a bounder, and somebody who’d relieve themselves in Her Ladyship’s airing cupboard given half the chance.

Lesson Three: Whisky/Whiskey. Perfectly acceptably if you’re of the Scottish or Irish persuasion and you can produce a note excusing you from Gin and Tonic. The only permissible addition should be water, and only in its liquid form. Ice cubes betray an American influence, and will have you marked out as a cad and a bounder (see above).

Lesson Four: Wine. This is tricky territory, and worthy of its own ‘How To’ guide. To avoid doubt, wine should only be taken with a meal, and even then in moderation. Choice of wine is such a minefield, it is always best to delegate the choice to another party, such as a trained Sommelier lest you mark yourself out as a cad and a bounder (see above). The words “Whatever you’ve got in a box” will have you up the Congo River before you know it.

Lesson Five: Babycham. No.

Lesson Six: Anything with an umbrella. Absolutely not.

The rules, therefore are simple: Pub = Real Ale. Elsewhere = G&T. Dinner = Wine of somebody else’s choice. Face down in the gutter like a cad and a bounder = Lager

Follow these guidelines, young sir, and you will go far. But not as far as next year’s Congo River Expedition.

How to iron your trousers

Regular readers of these advice columns will already have learned how to shine their shoes in a war zone, and how to iron a shirt without running the risk of gunshot wounds from close relatives. However, these skills are all for naught if the gentleman appears in public with badly creased trousers.

Good trouser discipline is the very bedrock on which the British Empire was founded. Historians note that the rise of Britain as a global force coincided with the switch from breeches and tights to more sensible leg wear. The enemies of Their Britannic Majesties cowered before a disciplined army and navy clad in trousers of razor-sharp creases.

Historians note that the decline of this once-great empire coincides with the marketing of “stay-creased” trousers. Without the discipline of a good trouser-ironing regime, British society has become slovenly and flabby in its market-bought trackies, and our global reputation has plummeted.

Ironing one’s own trousers need not be an onerous task. There may come a day when your manservant gets eaten by sharks and you may need a pair of trousers to attend his memorial service, for which he thoughtlessly neglected to provide a freshly-pressed pair.

1. Set up the ironing board

2. Read the instructions on the trouser label, and set the heat on the iron accordingly. Can’t read gibberish? Here’s a translation

3. Lay one leg of the trousers on the board, and arrange flat so the crease is properly aligned. Some people like to add some water with a spray gun. Others like to lay a damp tea towel on top. Each to his own, but DEATH upon the spray gun BLASPHEMERS

3-and-a-half. Don’t attempt to iron both legs at once. This may seem a shortcut, but you’ll only end up with a crooked, inferior crease. We’re looking at you.

4. Iron to a sharp crease. Turn trouser leg over and repeat on the other side. Then repeat with the other leg.

5. We’re not sure what it’s called, but iron the gentleman’s area by pulling it over the sharp end of the ironing board. Rotate the trousers and iron each bit flat in turn.

6. Allow to cool. Wear. Failure to allow your trousers to cool could result in a painful red hot zip accident. We have only made this error once.

Alternatively, stay in a lot of hotels, and use the Corby Trouser Press.

WARNING: On no account should you attempt to iron jeans. We’re looking at YOU. You will be drummed out of polite society and sent back in time to the 1970s.The only time the gentleman should be seen in denim is if he was shanghaied and forced to work in a travelling rodeo.

As any gentleman adventurer will attest, the greatest risk to any expedition into the wild is an unexpected bear attack.

These curs know no fear, and will take on any foe irrespective of how British they may be. The situation is further complicated by the fact that bears have no respect for the Marquis of Queensbury Rules that govern a fair fight, and will often resort to such ungentlemanly tactics as the low blow, the eye gouge, and the tearing your head clean off with his bare paws.

Odds are that the Bear will not want to high 5 you

This being the case, we urge any gentleman to be thoroughly prepared before venturing into any environment where wild bears may be present.

The best way to earn this preparedness is to practice fighting bears in controlled circumstances. The backroom staff at any good Gentleman’s Club will make the necessary arrangements, before heading to the colonies where danger lurks at every corner. Also, they have bears.

We at Socked recommend starting off with something small (for example, punching a sloth), before moving up to actual bears via one of the serving classes in a fur coat. If you survive this ordeal, you are ready to face any ursine danger that the wilderness may have in store.

There are three kinds of bear – Brown, Black or Polar – and your defence and eventual survival depends entirely on correct identification. Some Black Bears are brown and can climb trees. Some Brown Bears are black and cannot climb trees, but sometimes they can be white as well. Polar Bears will kill you while you try to work out if it is a Brown Bear or a Black Bear, and will use a tree as a toothpick.

Although it goes against the code of the British Gentleman, playing dead to a Brown or Polar Bear may save your life. However, a Black Bear will attack you anyway, particularly if you are made of good, tasty British flesh.

The good news, oh Gentleman Warrior, is that if you are attacked by any kind of bear, it pays to fight back. Wave your arms in the air to make yourself look bigger, and while he is distracted, a well placed kick in the fork may do the trick. This might be the last thing you ever do, but you will die in the knowledge that you have kicked a bear in the plums.

Alternatively, you should attempt to run away. Most attacks come from the bear defending its territory or food, so they will be happy to see you go. However, there may well be witnesses, and if your Club members hear of your cowardice in the face of the enemy, you might as well never return to polite society. Running in zig-zags confuses the enemy, and may well increase your survival chances, while you take pot-shots at your travelling companions to ensure nobody thinks any worse of you once you regain civilisation.

Experts say you should always carry a phone with you while in the wilderness in case of these fearful eventualities. However, 3G reception is a bit patchy in the back of beyond, so there’s little help to be had from the “Help! I’m Being Attacked By A Bear!” App.

Instead, we recommend you carry a Tesco supermarket Salmon in a sealed container: When the bear attacks, whip it out (and the salmon as well) and serve with a side salad, suitable sauces, and a chilled white wine. You may be in mortal danger, but there are no excuses to let standards drop.

The Best Man’s Speech – quite possibly the most terrifying ordeal that the young gentleman may face in his lifetime. Thrown into an arena of hostile glares, the gentleman must produce something sharp, witty, and above all, inoffensive lest he find himself ostracised for the rest of his adult life.

No pressure, then.

The big mistake that the prospective best man always makes is getting his audience wrong. It’s not a speech aimed at the bride, or the groom, or the parents, or even the groom’s mates who found the drunken rehearsal down the pub oh-so-funny. The one person in the room to whom you are delivering this speech, and on whose judgement your entire future life rests is this:

The bride’s grandmother.

If you offend the bride’s grandmother, you might as well volunteer to be a toilet cleaner on the British Antarctic Survey, because (and I am going to make this perfectly clear) She Will Hunt You Down To The Ends Of The Earth.

Keep her happy, or move to Alaska

This means, of course, that you’re going to have to take out all those hilarious stories about sexual encounters with farmyard animals, not to mention the line “Well, what can I say about the lovely bride? She’s got everything, and after last night, I think I have too.” This was a joke first performed by Jim Davidson in the early eighties and comes with a free Jim’ll Fix It badge.

So, here are a few pointers:

1. Unaccustomed as you are to public speaking, don’t start your speech with the lines “Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking”. I will hunt you down like the cur that you are.

2. Remember that time you went on holiday to Spain and found the groom naked, face down and being used as a bike rack? Don’t include that

3. Remember that time when you were kids, and he rescued a kitten? Include that

4. No detailed lists of sexual conquests. That goes for both groom AND bride. AND the bridesmaids, come to think of it. AND the vicar.

5. For the love of all that is holy, keep it simple. We went to a wedding where the best man had a table full of props, and the lack of rehearsal coupled with the dullness of the subject matter had half the hall outside in the smoking shelter within minutes. And we don’t even smoke.

6. There are plenty of books of best man’s speeches. Bin the lot, we say, and tell it from the heart because it’s got to be personal and fun. He’s your best mate, so say how much you love him. People like that.

7. Rehearse it. Not in front of the groom – with your mum. If she likes it, then bride’s granny might even crack a smile. Miracles do happen.

8. Please please please please don’t spent half an hour reading out the cards. Yes, it’s “traditional”, but it is also “the most boring 30 minutes of anybody’s life”. Nobody – repeat – NOBODY wants to hear what Uncle Peter and Auntie Joanne wrote, not even Uncle Peter and Auntie Joanne.

9. “I’d like to propose a toast – to go with the pate!!!” – see point 1 above.

10. Keep it short, to the point, polite, and remember to raise a glass at the end. You’ll be a hero.

Looking for the perfect wedding gift?

Back in my day, the police were a happy-go-lucky lot, only too pleased to tell you the time. Our local cop shop didn’t have a flight of stairs in the whole building, so for a nod and a wink, we lent them the scullery staircase for days when their questioning needed a bit of a shove.

Alas, thanks of the ravages of so-called “political correctness gone mad” and “sending corrupt police officers to prison where they belong” those days are long gone, replaced by endless paperwork, targets, and seminars on how your average crim is just some broken part of the societical whole that can be fixed with a hug and a nice cup of tea.

With your Bobby-on-the-beat now replaced with some sort of hoodie-hugging robot (and not the ace Robocop type, either), it is up to we honest citizens to help out the forces of law and order.

You can do this in two ways:

1. By putting your pants on outside your trousers (never a good look) and becoming a superhero, or

2. Performing a citizen’s arrest on an escaping crim. You’ve got Section 24A of the Police and Criminal Evidence Act 1974 on your side, provided you do not act in any way that could be seen as a little naughty or out of order.

You won’t be surprised to learn in these days of political correctness gone mad, that performing a citizen’s arrest is fraught with danger and is just as likely to have you in front of the beak as Johnny Robber, paying him compensation for the two kneecaps he used to have before he met your trusty Gunn and Moore cricket bat.

So, take heed:

1. Make sure you’ve got the right person. The police hate it if you get the wrong person. Also, the wrong person might not like it either.

2. Don’t use a weapon. Many do-it-yourself crime-fighters say they keep a baseball bat handy. This, to a judge, signals intent to cause harm rather intent to defend and will be punished accordingly. If somebody’s in your house at 3am, scare him out rather than start a scuffle. You might have a baseball bat, he’s probably got a kitchen knife. Call the police, in a very loud voice.

3. Catch your crim. Tell him you are a citizen making a citizen’s arrest for an indictable crime. Make sure you have witnesses to the fact. Call the police immediately, or get somebody else to do the same.

4. Avoid excessive force. You are, by law, able to incapacitate the crim until the police arrive, but no more. Crims are inventive types, and this goes as far as inventing how they got injuries

5. Do not under any circumstances move the crim, especially not to the scene of the crime where he might be “given a lesson in manners”. This is kidnap, and somewhat frowned upon by the law.

6. In fact, it is probably best that you don’t try to make a citizen’s arrest at all. The police don’t like it and the arrester is just as likely to end up in court as the arrestee. Just follow him home and help him down the stairs. Leave it to the pros, no matter how busy they are.

Next week: How to avoid getting a parking ticket

How Not To Be An Idiot Troll On The Internet

Our honest opinion is that the quality of gentlemanly discourse on the internet went right down the toilet the day they did away with the entrance exam. Call us snobs, but these days they let just about anybody online irrespective of whether they are a gentleman, gentlewoman or person of refined manners.

Back in those halcyon days of 1997 with our AOL dial-up and Windows 3.11 (the operating system of gentlemen), discussion was frank, formal and polite. Nowadays, they even let teenagers on the internet, along with the sort of knuckle-dragger who’d crap in your airing cupboard given half the chance.

He doesn’t wear socks

And the major problem with this being you don’t know they’re there until they start blasting you with their dreadful manners, ill-formed opinions and the very worst behaviour we have come to expect from jumped-up members of the serving classes.

The temptation – of course – is to allow oneself to be dragged down to their level, and fight fire with badly spelled, grammatically incorrect fire.

DO NOT DO THIS. A gentleman rises above these so-called “trolls”, and leaves them to their natural habitat: The bottom half of the Daily Mail and the whole of YouTube.

The philosophy we follow is a simple one, and comes from the internet’s Wil Wheaton. Although nothing good ever came from our former American colonies, we are prepared to make a exception for Mr Wheaton and his guidance:

“Don’t be a dick”.

Four simple words, that sum up thousands of years of knowledge, from the words of the Holy Bible, the great Greek philosophers, the teachings of Buddha, and the satyagraha protests of Mahatma Gandhi.

Alas, a great many people on the internet these days are unable to follow this simple guidance and are, in fact, dicks.

As gentlemen, and therefore the top 1% of the internet (congratulations), we lead by example and offer others the best possible behaviour on the internet. Be it in the face of Twitter trolls, Facebook idiots, and people who leave insults in discussion forums simply because they can, we implore you not to be a dick.

Instead, there is only one course of action: Offer the cur out of a duel and be done with him.

You know how these things go. You’re somewhat in your cups in the public bar at the Dog and Duck having one of those “I’ll tell you what’s wrong with this country” conversations, one thing leads to another and all of a sudden you’re five hundred quid lighter and running for mayor. Luckily, I didn’t get elected (On a technicality: Nobody voted for me because the local press made it look like my completely reasonable policies were the work of a swivel-eyed maniac), but it served as a valuable life lesson.

And it is this: Don’t stand for public office. Everyone involved is a swivel-eyed maniac. But if you do want to stand for public office, we at Socked Party HQ are here to give you a few helpful pointers:

Choose your party carefully

Don’t make the mistake of trying to stand for a party that reflects your political views. Chances are they’ve already attracted the kind of swivel-eyed maniac that the gentleman would wish to avoid if he met them in the street. Given the choice again, we’d go for the Official Monster Raving Loony Party, as they seem to be the sanest of the lot, and hang around in decent pubs.

monster raving loony party ironically the only sane party

What kind of election are you going to stand in?

Most people make the terrible mistake of going for The Big One: The House Of Commons. Sad fact is that if unless you went to Eton (Conservatives) or Brighton Sixth Form College (Everybody else), you’ve got no chance at all, because it’s all about who you know and how rich you are. And – face it – you’re not.

Go instead for your town or village council. Most of the time, nobody actually bothers to stand (mainly because it’s about setting the budget for mowing the cemetery and arguing over the price of biscuits for council meetings), and it’s a fair to middling chance you’ll be elected unopposed. In which case: You’ve already achieved Step One of your world domination plan. Well done.

District council elections are slightly more difficult, and at that point, you’re going to come up against party politics, local businessmen in suits who think they should be running the country, and swivel-eyed maniacs.

Am I eligible to stand for office?

Are you a citizen of the European Union or the British Commonwealth? Are you over 18? Do you live in the area in which you are standing? Congratulations. Have a bunch of local people nominate you, and you’re on the ballot. That – we are afraid – is the easy part.

How do I ACTUALLY get elected?

This is where it all came unravelled in our plan to be mayor. It turns out that people don’t actually have to like you – you’ve just got to be less repellent than the other candidates through a carefully crafted plan to discredit them as swivel-eyed maniacs.

To this end, we made sure that the general public didn’t find out that we were the most awful people in God’s creation through a campaign involving the local press. Unfortunately, this was DISTORTED by LOCAL AGENDAS that made us look like the kind of SWIVEL-EYED MANIACS that type in ALL CAPS when we get ANNOYED. This is quite simply NOT THE CASE, but by the time polling day came round, we were onto a hiding to NOTHING.
Also, I don’t think the black party uniforms, the red armbands with the party logo and the toothbrush moustache helped, to be perfectly honest.

Should I get some policies?

If you must, but be warned you’ll be the only one that does. If it’s a local election, stand on a platform that opposes everything that the present council is planning. Also, promise stuff for old people, as that gets them out in droves, like free doughnuts and a return to pre-decimal currency.

How about publicity?

Local newspapers are always desperate for content, hence their pages are always filled with swivel-eyed maniacs pointing at dog turds and holes in the road. But beware as they might try to make you look like a SWIVEL-EYED MANIAC (see above). Also, get a celebrity endorsement going. We got a promise out of TV funny man Don Estelle, only hampered by the fact that he’s been dead for ten years. Do your research.

What happens if I win?

Get your snout in the old gravy train, and don’t forget us when you’re running the country. Over and out.

As you might have noticed, we at Socked would probably sell our own grandmothers for a bit of publicity, and it crossed our mind that we should set up our own television channel. Sort of a posh version of ‘Dave’. Called ‘David’.

Then we saw how much it would cost and went for a lie down in our nice, cosy and ultimately very black stock room. So, our advice to anybody trying to set up their own TV channel is this:

– Be very, very rich. Or,

– Know somebody who is very, very rich with a relaxed attitude to never seeing their money ever again.

The first thing you’ve got to do before you can even think of setting up your TV channel is to apply for a licence to broadcast from Ofcom. Cost: £2,500, annually. And that’s probably the cheapest part of the process. Still with us? Good.

Alas this show will not be airing on David anytime soon

Then you’ll need studio premises, cameras, technical equipment, technical staff, presenters, lawyers, accountants, somebody to sell advertising space, somebody to make sure all the programmes and adverts go out in the right order, and somebody to make sure that nobody says the F-word on air before the watershed.

And if that seems too much like hard work, why not buy in ready-made programmes? You’ll still need somebody to make sure that nobody says the F-word on air before the watershed, because – believe it or not – some channels don’t and it’s expensive. We are aware of a certain grown-up channel who were once fined £100,000 for airing actual F-wording by mistake (instead of pretend F-wording), at a cost of £1098 per paying viewer.

Eyes watering yet? We haven’t even got to the most expensive part: Getting your pictures onto punters’ screens. We presume you’re going to use Sky, but even then you’ve got £10,000 up front just to appear on the programme guide. Every year. Then you’re going to have to pay some nice company with a big dish to bounce your signal off the satellite. £15,000 per month, last time we looked.

Then, having sold all that advertising space, you’ve got to advertise yourself, otherwise nobody’s going to watch. And you’ve got a battle on your hands – old habits die hard, and David the Channel For Gentlemen still has to prize the remote control out of the hands of committed Coronation Street and EastEnders viewers, and we wish you good luck. That naughty channel that was fined £100,000? They had ninety-one viewers. Ninety-one, and they say sex sells.

We totted this all up on a calculator and have come to this conclusion: Don’t waste your money. Spend it on socks instead.

How to Fight Like A Gentleman

Here at Socked, we’re lovers, not fighters. But even the most peace-loving of gents will find themselves in a position where they have no option but to stand and fight.

In the majority of cases this descent into barbarity will be with a fellow member of the human race, the art of fighting being what separates us from the animals. Except for kangaroos, who box better than Ali; and bears who are prone to fighting dirty and therefore merit a future “How to” guide.

The British gentleman should have no truck with martial arts from foreign countries that involve wearing a dressing gown in a village hall full of other people prepared to be seen in public in their nightwear. Leave them, we say, for Ninja armies, and the kind of person who takes part in battles against very flimsy blocks of balsa wood at school fetes.

There are only two approved methods of fighting for the Englishman: Ecky Thump and Boxing, and even then the ancient art of Ecky Thump should only be practiced from those living north of a line between Merseyside and The Wash. That leaves, for the majority, the strictest interpretation of the Marquis of Queensbury Rules.

Ecky Thump

Never mind the fact that the 9th Marquis was the man who brought about the downfall of noted all-in wrestler, rally driver (Ed: Are you sure?) and wit Oscar Wilde – it was his endorsement of the rules of The Square Ring that gave us boxing as we see it today: A corrupt, money-grabbing media circus with the morals of Idi Amin. However, the noble art of pugilism remains unaltered, and the Gentleman that follows the code will best any ne’er-do-well, cur or thug that dares impugn his honour.

1. Assume the stance: Left foot in front at 45 degrees to your opponent. Raise your guard that your opponent cannot easily strike your head or body.

2. Perfect your footwork. Ali said “Float like a butterfly”, and so should you. If your opponent is right handed, keep moving to your right and away from his weaker hand. If he is left handed, then his very existence on this Earth is a blasphemy, and you may shoot him.

3. Learn to punch, and learn when to punch. The jab, the hook, the cross, the uppercut, and the Oh-god-I’m-losing haymaker all have their time and place, and all leave your guard open in some way or another. So…

4. Work on your defence. Learn how to slap your opponent’s attacks away, how to roll with the punches, and a bit of the good old ducking-and-diving. Never present a static target as your opponent will hit you often, and very hard.

Henry Cooper gentleman fighter

5. Obey the Queensbury Rules. You do not cheat. You do not put a horseshoe in your glove, and you most certainly don’t hit below the belt. Nor do you bribe your opponent’s seconds to get him roaringly drunk beforehand and fill his boxing shorts with itching powder. This is Bad Form and would not be tolerated in any boxing ring, no matter how seedy and disreputable.

Alternatively, just pay for a larger, stronger lookalike to fight in your place, while you retire to a safe distance. For instance, a nice coffee shop in Paris.

Simple Meals for Gentlemen: No.2 The 30 Minute Chicken Stew

You’re a gentlemen of the world. You’ve got no time to actually cook anything more difficult than beans on toast, and we dare say that if that foul temptress Aunt Bessie sold beans on toast, that is what man would eat from this day to extinction.

However, when you’re cooking for another person, you’ll never get away with beans on toast or Heinz tomato soup every day of the week, even though they are heaven-sent foods of the gods. As we have said before, a little bit of imagination and NO ACTUAL EFFORT reaps endless rewards.

Rover may or may not be of some help

As Delia Smith (aged 71) says just before she slips into the Norwich City team bath – why do the fancy stuff when you can cut corners?

Consider this conversation:

Gentlewoman: “I say, Gentleman, what are you cooking tonight? Say ‘Beans on Toast’ and you’re sleeping on the sofa.”

Gentleman (you): “Why, Chicken Stew, actually.”

Gentlewoman: [Speechless]

Now, go out and but these things: Instant chicken gravy. Instant chicken stock. One bag of casserole vegetables (preferably with potatoes), one small pack of button mushrooms, and – here’s the killer – one packet of Quorn chicken chunks.

Yeah, Quorn. Nobody’s got the time or inclination to dice and cook actual chicken and worry about getting food poisoning because you don’t know what you’re doing. By the time it’s all cooked, not even you will know the difference.

Just pile it all into a large pan, add a mixture of stock and gravy just up to the top of the ingredients and boil for thirty minutes. The advanced student might want to add Evil Aunt Bessie’s dumplings near the end (we’ve seen Aunt Bessie’s dumplings on a speed dating night that went horribly wrong, and believe me, we’re scarred), or – for extra luxury – cook-in-three-minute Yorkshire puddings.

Serve.

Reap the rewards.

Gentlewoman: “I say, Gentleman, this is spiffing.”

Gentleman: “Yes, and I cooked it myself.”

Gentlewoman: “Just thought I’d let you know that my Aunt Bessie’s dropping round later. Some cur stole all her clothes, and I said you might want to give her a hand with her dumplings.”

Gentleman: “Oh I say!”

From the wine cellar: Forget the wine. Ten bottles of Newcastle Brown will nail it.
Desert: Viennetta

As any gentleman knows, the art of duelling is one of the most important skills one can possess.

Any thug can get into a mill outside a pub, arms and feet flailing as he dukes it out over what little honour the young lady holding his pint might have. Real gentlemen do not get into mere brawls over matters of honour. If he must get into a punch-up, it should be a Fair Fight in which certain rules are obeyed and nobody gets banged over the head with a horseshoe when his back is turned.

Sadly, the Fair Fight has gone to the dogs these days, as has the old-fashioned duel, which we would be keen to revive, were it not for all the hideous gunshot wounds, blood, and running away from the law.

Contrary to what you might think, duelling was never really that widespread in England. Of course, men fought for honour all the time, but not nearly as much as their European counterparts, who hacked their way through generations of continental manhood, usually for no more than being looked at in a funny way.

A German gentleman was not considered a gentleman unless he had fencing scars on his face. These days, we have no need for German gentlemen with facial scars at all, as they can know be played by Alan Rickman.

alan rickman

But consider if you were trapped in the1850s, and some cad had slandered your good lady’s reputation. It would be your duty to call out the cur, or you would be considered a coward in the eyes of everybody you know.

It is up to the challenged to arrange the venue and weapons, so if you have found yourself in this predicament, we would recommend fifty pound sledgehammers in a darkened basement.

However, as the challenger, you should be prepared for swordplay or the traditional pistols at dawn. You should name a second, and the wise man also engages a doctor (there are plenty of quacks with less morals than you think at the right price), and a priest (ditto). Try not to get into anything involving swords. It’s harder than you think, and – unless you’ve agreed to cease hostilities on first or second blood – it’s going to hurt like hell.

There’s none of this ten paces, turn and shoot business, but there is a final chance to accept an apology from the other party. A rarity, as the stakes are so high, no man wants to be seen to show a streak of cowardice. Just raise pistols, aim, and shoot. Most probably you will both miss, and honour will be satisfied on both sides. Then you can go to breakfast and laugh it all off.

However, we do have this advice: Try not to get shot. Anaesthetic and Dettol are still decades away, and you will most certainly die, if not from the wound but from some infection later on. Your best hope lies in the fact that your opponent is as incompetent with 19th Century weapons as you are. We repeat: Don’t get shot.

Also, kicking the opposition in the cobblers while he’s trying to reload is right out as well.

Also also, no gentleman would do this:

Typical American. No class.

Socks are somewhat confusing and in particular black socks, many gentlemen have pondered on such questions such as ‘what is a sock?’ and ‘what is a black sock? Well let confusion be a thing of the past with this spiffing black sock infographic.

Black Sock Infographic

There are times in the life of a gentleman when he must remove his jacket, roll up his shirt sleeves and knuckle down to the job in hand. For me, this day came when I was forced to defend the honour of the regimental padre’s daughter against blackguardly language from a drunken cur of my acquaintance.

With duels (the subject of a future ‘How To..’ guide) somewhat frowned upon by the time I had taken Her Majesty’s Commission, it was the done thing to settle matters of honour through the medium of The Fair Fight.

And honour was one thing 19-year-old Matilda had in bucketfuls, her long blonde hair cascading over her ample décolletage as she took her evening promenade in front of the Sergeant’s mess. It was as she bent over to retrieve a fallen kerchief, that I heard the taunts of Sgt O’Brennan, and it became my duty as a gentleman to defend her whether she wanted it or not, and she protested most vigorously.

The challenge made, I prepared myself for the Fair Fight in the presence of a somewhat rowdy audience of our peers. My coat off, I set about rolling up my sleeves in the approved military manner. There is a right way to do this, otherwise you will look like a veterinary surgeon about to stick his arm up a cow’s bottom. Just like this unfortunate chap:

1. Undo your cuff button or cuff links.

2. Fold back the cuffs. This will be your guide to how thick to make your roll.

3. Keep folding back your cuffs to the cuff-width template. If – as a gentleman – you have good, stiff cuffs, they stiffness will make the rolled-up sleeve look all the better.

4. Roll until you are one or two rolls above the elbow. You will be able to tell what is correct, and it should sit there smartly.

5. Repeat with the other sleeve. As the cuffs are the same width, so your rolls should be the same size. This means that your rolled-up shirt sleeves will make you look officer-class.

Alas, it was while I was setting about my shirt sleeves that O’Brennan took advantage of my gentlemanly behaviour and boxed me to the ground, before then landing a pair of well-directed kicks to my gentleman’s area. You may be interested to learn that the Art of Fighting Like A Gentleman will be featured in a forthcoming guide.

When I regained my senses, I found myself bleeding profusely on a deserted parade ground, the only sound to be heard being the padre’s daughter surrendering her virtue to Sgt O’Brennan behind the regimental stables. My sleeves, however, were perfectly rolled up and I remained every bit the gentleman as I stumbled back to my quarters, to have my batman rub unguent on the afflicted areas.

O’Brennan, sadly, is unable to recount his part of the tale, having been volunteered for Operation Certain Suicide two months later, from which he was returned in a series of  increasingly smaller cardboard boxes over several weeks by an enemy with a seemingly endless supply of postage stamps.

So, to recap: Smart sleeves, protect the reputation of the innocent whether they want to or not, and the ability to bide your time. All marks of the perfect gentleman.

There comes a time in the life of the modern gentleman when he needs to wear a shirt and tie. Be it a wedding, funeral, job interview or a morning before the magistrate answering difficult questions about that cracker of a practical joke at the zoo of which we no longer speak.

It’s all very well picking up the latest stay-pressed shirt from those excellent coves at Marks and Spencer, but we have no truck with short cuts when it comes to dressing like a true gent. We wear a suit that doesn’t come with its pockets sewn up, and our socks are the finest black from those extraordinarily tasteful Socked chappies (that’s us). We have standards, and our shirts have to be freshly pressed.

Jeeve’s not only ironed sirs shirts but also his daily copy of the FT

Of course, you could pay a dry-cleaner to do the job, or even retain the services of a gentlemen’s gentleman. The lowliest curs will expect their mother to press their shirts, a habit that has only two outcomes: Damnation and Hell-Fire. We are not your mother, but we will – just this once – instruct you in how to iron a shirt. This is how I do it, and get perfectly acceptable results, although others might have a different method.

I was taught this particular skill by my mother – bless her soul – on the day she finally snapped, damned me to Hell-Fire and forced me to do my own laundry at the point of the family shotgun. I remember it well. I was thirty-five years old and running a diplomatic mission in one of the more unruly regions of Central Asia. It was not a good day.

1. Set up your ironing board and iron. Ensure the water reservoir is filled and the temperature gauge is set to the label on your shirt. If you need some moisture (which will be often to help remove the creases), press the steam button. Also, it looks impressive if you have an audience and makes it look as if you know what you’re doing.

2. Spread the collar out on the ironing board face down and iron flat. Then, fold the collar over as it would be word, and iron it gently.

3. Sleeves! Alas, poor mother was gibbering about the safety catch when we got to this part. But, from what I have gathered in the intervening years, spread the sleeve out as flat as possible with the cuff flat against the board, and iron. Turn the sleeve over and press the other side. If you’ve done it right you should see an acceptable crease down each sleeve. If not, wear a jumper over the top, or wear the shirt with sleeves rolled up in the accepted military manner (the subject of a future “How To” guide).

4. Now, put the “yoke” of the shirt (that’s the bit that sits on your back and shoulders) over what we call “the pointy bit” of the ironing board. See how well it fits? It’s almost as if it were designed that way. Press flat with the hot iron.

5. The rest of the shirt I like to think of as a large cylinder of cloth. Starting on the side with the buttons, lay flat and iron around them until the creases have gone. At this stage mother would have lost interest, and I began to contemplate my escape.

6. As each part of the main fabric is done, keep rotating the fabric so you do all of one side, the back on the side with the button holes. And before you realise, you have done. If a relative is watching over you with a firearm, slowly step away from the ironing board without making eye contact, then flee for your life. Otherwise, just put your shirt on a hanger and iron some more shirts.

You are now ready to face the magistrate. Or are you? Oh no! You’ve forgotten your trousers! Coincidentally, I once had a dream about that according to a book I read (“The Gentleman’s Book on Dream Interpretation”) it means I have unresolved parental issues, and a future meeting judges and/or magistrates.

We here at Socked – quite naturally – tend the emphasise the importance of quality socks to the modern gentlemen. However, this advice counts for nothing if your hose is accompanied by shoddy footwear.

Shoes make the man, and if you do not have a valet or gentleman’s gentleman to apply the daily shine, then you should learn to do it yourself. There is no excuse for arriving at an important meeting, a rendezvous with a gentlewoman, or even going about your daily life with inappropriate or scruffy shoes.

Our great-great uncle Buckfastleigh was proud of the fact that he managed a mirror shine on his boots every morning, even when he was caught up in that nasty business with the Retreat from Kabul in 1842. Tragically, the glint of his daily shine caught the attention of a Ghilzai sniper, who shot his foot right off from under him. As luck would have it, regimental carpenter Mr Sheen fashioned him a wooden one by way of replacement, and supplied him with a furniture polish of his own devising, which he found some success marketing on his return to England.

This lesson aside, we urge the reader to eschew the mass-produced and synthetic uppers from modern footwear-u-like warehouse stores, and seek out real leather for genuine comfort and class. Only this way can you achieve a true shine.

And with great shoes comes great responsibility, and the gentleman should learn to care for them properly. Say ‘no’ to liquid polish that gets on your socks and carpets, and buy yourself a tin of the real stuff, some shoe brushes and a quality duster.

1. Spread newspaper on your work area

2. Apply a generous coat of polish to your shoe with one brush

3. Buff most of the polish of with your other brush, and don’t be afraid to use a bit of elbow grease. Great-great uncle Buckfastleigh’s batman (who, alas, perished at that tragic coming together of armies in Gandamak) developed muscles like a stevedore from his vigorous buffing technique

4. Dip your cloth in some water, and buffing in small circles on the toecap, really bring out a mirror shine. Some people swear by spit instead of water, and his is indeed where the term ‘spit and polish’ derives. We swear by this too: It is damned disgraceful behaviour that belongs in the Other Ranks

5. Repeat with other shoe

6. Wear shoes with pride. Also remember to wear clothes, or like great-great uncle Buckfastleigh in 1879, his marbles totally gone, you will find yourself before a magistrate pretty sharpish

We trust that this lesson will prove invaluable, and that the tragedy of great-great uncle Buckfastleigh’s foot will not be in vain. On the road to Peshawar, somewhere near the Khyber Pass, lie a pile of old bones and one obsessively shined boot that will be forever England.

Why Waste your time with Invisible Socks?

So what is all this nonsense I’ve been hearing about ‘invisible socks?’ For some strange reason unbeknownst to me, invisible socks are now becoming fashionable within the world of socks!

I hear statements of joy such as “I love my comfortable, invisible socks.” OR even more preposterous, “The fact that no one can see that I’m wearing socks is comforting to me.”

Hold on just a moment, old chaps. Did I hear that right?

How is it that ‘invisible’ socks are comfortable? How would one even contemplate being ‘comforted’ by something that clearly doesn’t exist except in the fictional world of a young and naïve Harry Potter? Absolutely ridiculous I tell you that not only do we support and promote this absurd idea of socks that cannot be seen with the naked eye, but we publicly state that they are “comforting to us”!

You can’t even tell that she’s wearing invisible socks! Marvelous

My esteemed friend and fellow gentleman Delo Mckown completely agrees with my sentiment, here is what he had to say on this matter:

“The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.”

Exactly my thoughts, quite clearly what is happening is that people are placing their faith in something that doesn’t exist! No gentleman worth his salt would fall for such a charade, please, invisible socks indeed!

If you ask me, these fools who think that touting invisible socks as footwear is tantamount to providing a service; have completely lost it. Upon seeing several mind boggling advertisements in my daily newspaper, I could take no more of this insanity and consulted a dear friend of mine.

My dear friend, author and journalist, Chuck Palahnuik put my mind at ease with this statement while he acted out the role of an invisible sock:

“If I can’t be beautiful, I want to be invisible.”

Finally, someone who understands! While his acting wasn’t quite up to scratch (how does one pretend to be an invisible sock?) those words were exactly what an invisible sock would say, should socks ever be granted the power of speech (god help us, if that happens!).

Clearly, these ‘socks’ are obviously so grotesque that they in fact, do not even exist except in the minds of their deranged creators and therefore my fellow gentlemen, pay these invisible socks no heed and go on about your business, lest you be labeled ‘out of it.’

Invisible sock indeed! What’s the world coming to when a well-meaning gentleman such as myself is offered a pair or even several pairs of socks that can’t be seen with the naked eye?

I need to go and contemplate this some more. Where’s my pipe?

Simple Meals For Gentlemen: No.1 The One Pan Carbonara

The true gentleman – of course – has no need to cook for himself. He simply breakfasts on what kippers, toast, kedgeree, kidneys, chops, bacon, eggs, toasted cheese and strong fresh coffee his servants may bring for him as he rises in the morning. Then, he takes lunch with his friends or business acquaintances at a noted restaurant, before dinner with that scamp Wooster at the Drones Club; with perhaps more  kippers, toast, kedgeree, kidneys, etc as a snack before he retires.

However, this is no longer the 1920s, and there may come a time when a gentleman is faced with the need to cook for himself. Worse, he may also be expected to cook a meal for his gentlewoman. Faced with the daunting, alien environment of the modern kitchen, many a lesser gentleman has panicked and sent out for a takeaway, or purchased a ready meal from those damnably fine businessmen, Mr Marks and Mr Spencer. As fine as these meals may be, mark our words: This will not do.

Even the Swedish chef managed to impress his gentlewomen

As it happens, there are many simple recipes out there that even the most inept of would-be chefs can turn into the finest of meals for two. With the minimum of fuss, and with the cheapest of ingredients you’ve probably already got lying around, you shall – and will – eat like a King. And your gentlewoman will eat like a Queen, to boot.

We call this the One Pan Carbonara, for it is a carbonara that you cook in one pan.

Now, pay attention. This could save your life one day:

1. Cook enough tagliatelle (or any pasta) for two people. Put it to one side. Hint: You boil it.

2. Heat the now empty pan (see what we did there) and add one carton of Philadelphia spread. Stir until it’s runny.

3. Dice up the ham you were saving for your packed lunch, and put that in with a diced onion, some frozen peas and some frozen (or tinned) sweet corn. Keep stirring, and add some water if it looks a bit dry.

4. Stir in the pasta.

5. Serve to the admiring gasps of your gentlewoman.

We recommend a Californian white wine, even though it is still our firm belief that nothing good ever came from the colonies. However, two tins of the finest own brand lager will suffice, followed by a Vienetta, the dessert of Kings.

Pip pip!

Swearing. It is neither big nor clever, but let us assume that you already have a full and frank working knowledge of all the major swear words and profane expressions that blight the English language.

A true gentleman always keeps his cool, but there may come a time when certain, unpleasant language may be required. Even then, he must negotiate a minefield of manners, less he finds himself socially ostracised, in front of a magistrate, or fighting a duel to settle a matter of honour.

While a knowledge of swearing is of vital importance for the gentleman – how else would he know if he has been slandered with blackguardly language – it is essential that he knows what language is acceptable and where.

Don Cheadle Says No To Swearing

In the normal circumstances, the gentleman should NEVER sink so low as to use the following terms:

• The F-word
• The C-word
• The W-word
• The A-word
• The other C-word
• The D-word

We are aware that this removes most of the modern gentleman’s arsenal from popular use, but these rules still allow for a certain – barely acceptable – amount of profanity. Instead, we recommend words that are not profane, but can be taken as an insult without causing offence to innocent ears. “You, sir, are a …

• Blackguard
• Mountebanke
• Cur
• Poltroon
• Poppinjay
• Dollymop

…of the first water, damn your eyes”. Anything stronger than this is not the language of a gentleman and should be avoided at all costs.

When not to swear

1. In church. The only exception to this is during the singing of Good King Wenceslas at the Christmas Carol Concert, where the final verse contains the line “Heat was in the very sod”, which may be bellowed at the top of your lungs.

2. At the race course. A gentleman retains his manners no matter how badly his horses have run. However, he may be excused if he has backed an amusingly named steed such as “Monster Dick”, whose name may be shouted all the way to the finishing post.

3. When meeting royalty. The only exception being – of course – if the Duke of Edinburgh is present, then it’s all hands to the pump.

4. When run over by a horse and cart at Oxford Circus. It is at these life-changing moments that decorum should be maintained. On espying your shattered lower limbs, a mere “dash and blast it, now I shall be late for the Savoy” will suffice before blacking out.

Of course, there is a time and a place for swearing. The smoking room of a gentlemen’s club is acceptable, as long as house rules are obeyed, as would be the Regimental Officer’s Mess, but only after the port has been passed.

However, there is only one place for the language of the tavern, and that is in the tavern itself with the low-lifes, the layabouts and the thieves. Alas, no gentleman should find himself there without good excuse.

Mind your manners, gentlemen.

WARNING: A gun is not a toy.

A gentleman should never need to hold or carry a gun except under the most exceptional of circumstances. Even then, he should be aware of the extreme consequences that mishandling the weapon could have both upon himself and those around him. For example: Injury, death and blackballed from the gentlemen’s club for a period of up to – but not exceeding – thirty days.

A gentleman should never even approach a gun until he has been given a full safety brief and he is fully satisfied that he can handle and use it safely. That being said, the accomplished marksman can derive years of pleasure, be it from target shooting, firing at clays, or simply stamping around fields with other gentlemen massacring all forms of local wildlife as nature intended.

Chief Wiggum is not holding the gun correctly

For all firearms, whether firing a rifle or a pistol on a range, or a shotgun in a field, the general principles remain the same:

1. On first receiving the weapon, ensure that it is not loaded. It is poor shooting etiquette to hand someone a loaded weapon, unless there is a designated loader. If the gun is loaded, ensure that the safety is on.

2. ALWAYS point the weapon down the range. You will find your former friends stamping on your face and blackballing you from the club if you develop a tendency toward pointing guns at them. Take it from me, being shot at is not an experience I wish to repeat a second time in my life.

3. Only fire when given permission to do so. If you are one of a group of gentlemen massacring all forms of local wildlife as the nature intended (see above) it is considered poor form to shoot the beaters, as much as it is considered inappropriate to knock the helmet off a police constable after a night carousing at the Drones Club.

Little Lord Snooty Pants Goes Shooting With His Dog

4. Respect your weapon and it will respect you. You are not James Bond (unless you are accessing this page from MI6 servers) or some Gangsta rapper, so prancing about shooting one-handed is only going to get somebody killed. Probably you. Remember: Every day in the United States, there are 45 accidental shooting incidents.

5. Recoil hurts. With pistol, rifle, shotgun or Uzi 9mm, ensure your weapon is held firmly. I’ve seen Flash Harrys with broken noses because they thought they were Rambo, so if you can’t hold a deadly weapon properly, hand it over and watch from a distance.

6. BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM. Oh yes, ear defenders.

7. Ensure the magazine is empty (if it has one) and manually check the chamber is clear.

8. Store your weapon safely (not sexy slang)

9. Go home via the pub and brag about your prowess until everybody’s thoroughly sick of you.

Congratulations, you’ve just shot something. To learn how to hold a Gnu click here

WARNING: A gnu is not a toy.

A gentleman should never need to hold or carry a gnu except under the most exceptional of circumstances. Even then, he should be aware of the extreme consequences that mishandling the animal could have both upon himself and those around him. For example: Injury, death and blackballed from the gentlemen’s club for a period of up to – but not exceeding – thirty days.

This is a Gnu it is different to a Gun

For all gnu and wildebeest and antelope of the genus Connochaetes, the general principles remain the same:

1. Go to the zoo

2. Hang around the wildebeest enclosure all day

3. Whenever you see a zoo keeper ask “Can I hold your gnu?”

4. Come back every day for a month until they relent and let you hold a gnu.

5. Hold the gnu, probably by some sort of bridle arrangement, we haven’t thought this far ahead to be honest

6. Go home via the pub, and brag about you gnu-holding prowess until you get thrown out

Congratulations, you’ve held your first gnu. To learn how to hold a Gun click here

Your dog might be your best friend, but it will also be best friends with anyone and everyone. Others however, may not be so friendly and come with a little bite!

Those who lack bite themselves, tend to breed dogs to have it for them, these people are called chavs. Aggressive dogs are a big problem in today’s society, they are on the rise, they are kept to intimidate, or in some cases, to take part in illegal dog fights.

A bit more rare, is that an otherwise laid back peaceful pup may suddenly turn. With the increase in dog breeding, particularly these status dogs and the lack of training and stimulus; there will be more and more sights of dog fights in the local parks and streets. So what does one do when your beloved animal is amongst it all. Only if you deem it essential, intervene, but follow these ideas- protecting yourself at all times:

Do not attempt to get into the middle of the dog fight. The animals are fighting for their lives, you will just be an object in the way and will most likely get bitten.

A quick burst of cold water, whether it be a bucket full or a quick hose down, this should shock the strongest of fighting instincts into stopping.

If water is not accessible, try to separate them with stick (not a flimsy twig), a large piece of wood or net. Keep hold of this object though, as you may need to use it again to fend the dog away from you.

If you’ve no water and no object to separate them with, try making a loud noise of some description, lots of short sounds would be better than one long- if you’ve got an airhorn or ref’s whistle, that might do, to distract them.

As a last resort and if there is someone there to help you, try the doggie wheelbarrow. Yes, just as you did at school, each of you chooses a dog, grabs from behind, their hind legs and lifts them in the air, leaving their front paws to walk along the ground. The dogs must be pulled away from each other, sweeping the doggie wheel barrow in a circular motion and you back away to give you maximum protection from the dog.
Be careful trying this stunt; you will need to be aware that the dogs will probably return to fighting as soon as you let go and be sure that you aren’t at risk of being bitten yourself.

Once the fight has broken, it is wise to get the dogs as far away from each other as possible, perhaps into a car, into a garden or into a room of a house.

The socked.co.uk Gentleman’s Guide to Pregnancy

With Britain’s top gentleman the Duke of Cambridge soon to become a father for the first time, we felt it both important and appropriate to educate this great country of ours on the importance remaining a gentleman throughout the difficult nine months of their significant other’s pregnancy.

These are important months for any relationship, and it is important for the father/gentleman not to make them a depressing chore by being an inattentive slob. We have therefore split this guide – for good reason – into two parts:

The Socked Guide to Pregnancy if you are Prince William, Duke of Cambridge:

1. Be second in line to the throne, and get loads of time off work and a team of flunkies to decorate the nursery. Be effortless in your behaviour and continue to smile at the photographers morning, noon and night. Well done, sir. You have our admiration, and if your are ever in need of emergency sock supplies, do not be afraid to ask.

Prince Sebastian took a royal nap

The Socked Guide to Pregnancy if you are not Prince William, Duke of Cambridge:

1. Do not attempt to become second in line to the throne by foul means. Treason is neither big nor clever, and no true gentleman would consider betraying his nation

2. Be attentive to your significant other’s needs, particularly in the early weeks of pregnancy when morning sickness is at its worst. We are not usually at home to shallow gestures, but the offer of a cup of tea from a gentleman with his heart in the right place helps enormously

3. Be ready to drop everything to be by her side at a moment’s notice. The true gentleman should be ready to respond, whatever the emergency, with poise, élan, and the offer of a nice cup of tea

4. Pregnancy involves a lot of shopping, often for clothes. Grin and bear it. Only the slob encourages her to go with her mother/sister/female friends instead.

5. Hone your DIY skills. There is a nursery to decorate, and while you’re at it, be a proper gentleman and offer to do the rest of the house

6. You may have been a lothario with a two-seater sports car to your name, but the true gentleman knows this is now completely useless as family life looms. Now’s the time to swallow your pride and get a nice Ford Focus. Don’t forget the baby seat.

7.The true gentleman will always offer to help with those middle-of-the-night feeds and nappy changes, so get your body clock used to the fact by getting up at three in the morning to watch the cricket

8. There will come a stage during the birth when you will be blamed for everything. We hate to be the bringer of bad news, but yes, she’s right

9. Don’t dress like a slob. The mother-to-be may be too tired and otherwise engaged to iron your shirts, but that is no excuse for slovenly behaviour. The gentleman irons his own shirts and does a good job of it

10. Really – don’t dress like a slob. A subscription from socked.co.uk will ensure that you have good, high-quality socks at all times.

And remember the Socked Way of Life at all times: Look like a gent. Act like a gent. Be a gent.

From time to time as a gentleman of multiple talents you will fine yourself on a surveillance mission. Your biggest worry will be that the target has spotted you, if so you will need to tell a cunning ruse to get yourself out of hot water. The safe option is simply not to be caught on a reconnaissance mission to do this you need to watch your subject without them spotting you watching them.

A low cost and effective way to do this is to equip ones self with a super sluth spying newspaper. James Bond professional spy and avid sock wearer commented “A spy news paper should form part of every spies tool kit, simple yet effective and you can make one on the spot in no time at all”

Here’s our guide on how to make a spy paper

1. Take an ordinary newspaper and remove the front and back page spread and place to one side.

2. With the remainder of the paper cut two peep holes that will allow you to see though the paper with ease when you are holding the paper in a normal reading position. Be careful here to cut the holes at the right level and size.

3. Take the front and back page spread and cut a further two holes in them, only this time make sure they are positioned just above the peep holes that are in the rest of the paper. This will ensure that when you place all the pages together again the peep holes will be hidden and to spy on your target all you will have to do is slide the front and back page down so the hole from these pages lines up with the rest of paper which will give you a clear but yet sneaky view target and allow you to cover the peep holes in a instant should suspicion arise.

Quite often ladies can not find a suitable suitor and have to make do with a lesser gentleman, which can prove to be both stressful and problematic. As the issues faced with dealing with a lesser gentleman are not overcome with ease and require a lifetime of retraining, therefore we have created this handy guide for ladies who have to deal with lesser gentlemen.

1. The Toilet seat

Unfortunately as the lesser gentleman is a neanderthal your moans and groans about the toilet seat will go unheard, he will argue that he needs it up and you need it down. As long as he does not moan about you leaving it down perhaps you should put this issue to one side, some things cannot be changed with any amount of retraining.

The worlds most expensive toilet

2. Shopping

Unfortunately he will not not see your weekly shopping trips as fun. Your attempts to ‘drag’ him round the shops, when he could be simply lying on the sofa will only result in consistent arguments. He will believe that you do have too many clothes and far too many shoes already. The key here is to either promise to stop off for a pint or two at the end or better yet leave him at home.

3. Crying

He will not understand your tears, the lesser gentleman will only cry when his car breaks or his football team loses, crying at any other time will simply confuse him and lead him to believe he is stupid which may result in an argument.

4. Hinting

When you want something from a lesser gentleman you have to be direct and ask for exactly what you want and perhaps also write this down, email it and text it. Subtle hints will not work, neither will strong hints, you must be direct.

Miss Piggy was always misunderstood

5. Conversation

For the lesser man yes and no are totally acceptable answers to any question, you must use open questions to trick him into providing a lengthier answer. Start your conversation off with a what, how or why question.

This also applies in reverse if he poses the question ” what’s wrong?” and you respond “nothing” then he will believe that nothing is wrong and the conversation is over.

Please note the best time to strike up a conversation with a lesser gentleman is during a commercial break. Good topics for conversation starters include sport and beer.

6. Sympathy

The lesser gentleman does not know the meaning of this word nor concept. You will only be upsetting yourself if you expect it, as he will be oblivious to it.

7. Does my bum look big in this?

This question is a non starter, your’e not dating James Bond or a gentleman who can think fast, the lesser gentleman will answer quickly and abruptly. Please note any DR will be able to tell you what your correct weight should be. However if one does think they are fat then perhaps one should join a local gym?

He will also think that he is a great shape as a circle is a shape.

The answer chaps is never

8. Navigation help

The lesser gentleman will not take kindly to your help and assistance with map reading or route guidance, even when it has proven to be a help.

9. Itching

As the lesser gentleman is still more monkey than man, he will need to itch and scratch himself, this is normal behaviour for him. Your best hope is to try to teach him only to do this in private.

10 . Colours

For the lesser gentleman peach and pumpkin are types of fruit and not colours. Saying anything different will cause confusion which will lead to frustration and possibly an argument.

11. Punishment

If you make the lesser gentleman sleep on the sofa, then this will not feel like a punishment. He likes camping and will see it as a treat.

If you are at your wits end then a gift subscription to socked is the first step at becoming a gentleman as is looking through our gentleman tips section which should expedite your retraining matters quickly for you.

Gentlemen

It is not often that you are asked to help out your fellow man, and a true gent would never have to be asked.

However the month of Movember (November) is quite different each year gentleman from around the globe band together in union to help support Movember and your support for this is required and we dare say expected.

Movember is a splendid movement and charity that is responsible for all the spiffing new moustaches that you can see the early stages of as they begin to sprout on mens upper lips throughout the land.

The aim of this fine activity is to raise awareness and cold hard cash for men’s health specifically prostate cancer and testicular cancer.

The rules of engagement are quite simple.

First you must register on movember.com

Each ‘Mo Bro’ Must start the month off with a clean shaven face

For the remainder of the month each ‘Mo Bro’ will have to groom and grow a splendid moustache.

You are not allowed to join your mustache to your side burns as this would constitute a beard.

You are not allowed to allow your handlebars to join under the chin as this would constitute a goatee.

You must conduct oneself in the manner of a true gentleman throughout this process (and at all other times).

By taking part you will help out your fellow man and raise awareness and funds by becoming a walking and talking human billboard, and prompt private and public conversation around the often ignored issue of men’s health.

Gentleman your words and actions are critical to success, for more information on Movember and to donate please visit http://uk.movember.com/donate/ The funds raised in the UK are directed to programmes run directly by Movember and their men’s health partners, Prostate Cancer UK and the Institute of Cancer Research.

If one is struggling to grow a moustache or would like to raise further awareness, please click on the image below to download a copy of our poster to print and distribute as you wish. You can also find further materials on the movember.com website.

Forgotten your bottle opener? Surprise your chums with these few tricks.

Take a five pound note, fold it in half, then roll it as tight as you can. Fold it in half again so that it forms a bend with a pointy bit. Wedge that pointy bit under the bottle top. You should now hold the note between your index finger and thumb. Hold the neck of the bottle with your weakest of hands, then push the note up and hey presto, the top will fly off. As the top may fly off at some force it may be wise and gentlemanly to warn any onlookers.

The gents were determined to open the beer bottle

If you don’t have a note to hand, you could always try the belt trick. Using your belt buckle, removed from your waist of course! Place one edge of the belt buckle tightly over the top, place your thumb over the other edge and push hard, just like you would a normal bottle opener, hey presto it should be open!

Unless you’re an ice skater, odds are, you’re already aware that trying to walk on ice in a gentlemanly fashion can prove rather difficult when one has no grip between ones feet and the ground beneath them.

And it’s just as tricky to drive a vehicle on snow or ice when maintaining any level of traction is near impossible. If your wheels cannot grip the surface of the road, then you will be unable to steer correctly, the wheels driven by the engine will simply spin, your brakes will not work and your vehicle will skid and this doesn’t change whether you have front wheel drive, rear wheel drive or you’re in the Range Rover.

Jeeve’s prepared the winter automobile

Once you have lost control you go into a skid, in winter over 45% of all road accidents are caused by skidding. The skill to master here is to extract your vehicle from the skid and reassert ones authority.

Stay Calm

To accomplish this, you will require tyres that are fit for the road, if you intend to travel abroad during the winter months (November to April), then it’s worth checking if you are required by law to fit winter tyres. Winter tyres are much chunkier than normal road tyres, with much wider water channels and softer rubber in order to provide a better grip. If you’re planning on driving through a serious amount of snow, such as a ski resort, then it may also be compulsory to fit snow chains, just remember to remove them when driving in normal road conditions as they will damage the road and the your tyres otherwise.

However, for the vast majority of British roads, normal road tyres that are in good condition will be adequate for winter use, providing of course you observe and follow these simple rules:

1. Drive slower than normal.
2. Avoid aggressive acceleration – this will cause your wheels to spin.
3. Avoid harsh breaking – this will cause your wheels to lock and your tyres will lose their traction.
4. Don’t steer violently

If you do find yourself in a skid then don’t panic Mr Mannering! Recovering will depend on a few factors, such as whether you have front wheel, rear wheel or four wheel drive, the road conditions and the nature of the skid.

You should point the front wheels in the direction you wish to head, keep your foot off the brake and ensure the car is in neutral until you have slowed to a pace where is it possible for you to regain control.

To maintain traction on your drive wheels this can be achieved by having enough weight over the wheels. During the summer months carrying a heavy load will increase the amount of fuel consumed, however during the winter if you have a rear wheel drive vehicle then carrying a bit of weight in the boot, such as a few bricks or a bag of sand will help your tyres to grip the road.

As front wheel cars have the engine over the wheels when attempting to climb a hill the weight will be thrown to the rear, therefore a good tip for drivers of these vehicles would be in order to stop your front wheels from spinning (and if it safe to do so) try reversing up the slope.

As a young chum many of us will have watched the film “Stand by Me” and will still recall the infamous leach attack scene. The question remains how the heck one fends off an attack by a crack team of leaches.

Imagine the scenario; no doubt it would be a little like the scene from Stand by Me; one minute you’re happily walking through the wilderness with your walking chums and you suddenly feel something rather unpleasant.

Upon checking your body you see the worst, there is an army of blooding sucking, horrible looking killer slugs drinking your blood. Nice.

If truth be known, they won’t eat you there and then, but they do carry a whole host of nastiness such as viruses and bacteria and they are indeed feasting and sucking up your blood and they’re not going to get bored of this anytime soon.

Your first natural thought will be to simply rip them, however this would be a huge error and you would be left fragments of their jaws in your open flesh which of course is just ripe for infection.

Your next thought will be to pour salt on them or perhaps burn those blood sucking leeches, while both methods will remove them, in the process they’ll vomit your blood, directly back into your blood stream.  On one hand this is fantastic, you get your blood back, the not so good side is your blood is now super charged with armies of horrible bacteria which will lead to all sorts of things you don’t dare dream of.

Instead of acting on any of the above like a common man would after watching a children’s film, follow these simple rules.

Leeches love damp environments, think marshes, rain forests, woods and swamps. These are the playgrounds of leaches and if you dare tread onto their home turf, they will smell and hear you and they will come for you

Fredric the leach said ” I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let me drink your blood now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.”

The rule to follow here is simply dress appropriately and cover yourself in insect repellent.

If you find yourself in a leeches manor, then keep checking your skin to ensure they’re not taking a bite on you.

If you catch one of the cheeky buggers, you need to scrape it off. Do this by sliding ones fingernail sideways under its ‘oral sucker’ (not as nice as one would think) which is located at its thin end. It’s worth pointing out to do this part slowly and carefully.

Once you have lifted away the thin end, slide your finger promptly under the fatter end in order to remove it in full. The pesky leech will not give up easily, but you’re a gentleman and you will prevail.

Once you’ve stopped juddering, check the rest of body. If you’ve found one leech then you’re likely to find another.

And finally clean all your leech wounds to ensure they don’t become infected. Then walk on to the pub and live to love another day.

We have all been there, you’re enjoying a stroll through the local park enroute to the pub, when low and behold, you are confronted by an angry bull that has escaped from a nearby field. It’s a common problem and one that can become dangerous if not handled correctly.

Help what should I do!

Follow these simple steps to ensure your safety and to ensure you have a great story to tell when you arrive at the pub.

Step 1.

Upon spotting the angry bull, leave the park (or field) immediately and head for the public house and have a pint. Its always best to avoid confrontation bulls are massive and can and will eat you #poppycock

Step 2

If you have no option but to go past the bull, then you must assess the situation. Look around, are there any cows around? Not only are these creatures great for making into burgers but they will also ensure that the bull wont be as aggressive as it would if it was out and about on its tod. Has the bull seen you? If so is he showing signs of aggressive behavior? These include putting its head down, arching his neck and hoofing the ground, if he is displaying these signs then you either need to bust out your matador skills or better yet, find a safe alternative route. Quickly yet calmly.

Step 3

If you have no choice but to go past the bull, then keep a somewhat beady eye on the bull, but try to ensure you are out of his line of sight. The bull will respond to movement and it’s common knowledge that bulls do not like to be stared at.

Step 4

If your sneaky bull bypass skills fail you and the angry bull charges at you, you must run, quickly, no time for a stroll here – simply peg it. Make for the nearest exit don’t try and climb a tree, chances are, you will fail and the bull will have its wicked way with you. It’s worth pointing out that if you have your dog with you, then let it off its lead and the dogs natural instincts should be to run away, not only will this ensure that your dog gets away and it is not slowed down by you, but your dog will also distract attention away from you.

Step 5.

Your legs have failed and you can’t run away from the bull. Don’t worry, all is not lost and this moment is the part where you don’t only get a great story to tell, but you probably have your beer bought for you also, well either that or your tomb stone will read “R.I.P killed by angry bull”

Take off an item of clothing, stand firm, hold it to one side and shake it. The bull will be transfixed on this and make for this area of movement.

Stand firm

Keep standing firm and keep shaking the item of clothing.

KEEP STANDING FIRM… stand firm until your nerves can not take it and the bull is almost near you and then fling the garment away from you and the bull will run after it. This will allow you a few seconds to run (and we mean RUN) away to your escape, the pub, the dog and a well deserved pint.

Unless one is engaged in a game of water polo, under water chess, or drinking champagne on the back of a speed boat, water is a place that does not lend itself to foolish horseplay.

How to save a drowning swimmer

If one spots a water chum who is in need of assistance, remember to stay calm and follow the techniques outlined below. Please remember that you are not in an episode of Baywatch, this is a dangerous situation and there are no time for jokes.

Step 1. First be sure that the water chum is actually in need of help and isn’t in fact simply horsing around. If its the latter then deduct them 10 gentleman points.

Step 2. You must think fast. It only takes 1 minute for someone to drown, a child who is in danger and panicking will drown even faster.

Step 3. Assess the risks quickly. Is the water flowing fast? Is there an under current, is your water chum caught in an overpowering current?

Step 4. Don’t be a hero – Shout for help. If there is not a trained life guard around you will need to to get into the water, and any assistance is greatly appreciated at this stage for example having someone call the emergency services and find extra help.

Step 5. Find the fastest way to reach your water chum. The rules are

Reach to Him

Throw to Him

Paddle to Him

Swim to Him

Reach to Him

By using any available pole, tree branch, fishing rod, boat ore etc reach out to the water chum and at the same time instruct them to grab hold. If you can’t find a sturdy stick then act fast, you can use an item of clothing such as a shirt or coat, by holding on to one sleeve the other will reach out quite far.

If it is possible to reach your water chum with your hand, do so. But remember to avoid being pulled into the water, lie flat on the ground with your legs spread to ensure you have the best balance. Only reach out with one arm keeping the other on dry land and always ensuring that you do not let your shoulders slip out over the water.

Throw to Him

First look for a life ring, if one is not available throw anything that will float to your water chum, a ball, air mattress, a wave board or a surf board. If your water chum has a float this will allow them to catch their breath, keep their head above water and will go a long way to calming them down. At this stage you could throw them a rope if you are able to find one quickly and tow them back to dry land.

Paddle to Him

No time to wait for a lifeboat, in an emergency any type of boat becomes a lifeboat, be it a pedalo, dinghy, kayak or lido. Always approach the water chum with care, if a wave rocks the boat and hits them in the head, they could be knocked unconscious which would make the situation far worse than it already is. Instead of rowing close to the water chum, you should, if at all possible encourage them to come to you. If you can throw them a life line, if you are in a small boat, its much safer for them to hold on to something and be towed back to dry land, instead of risking capsizing the boat by dragging and hauling them aboard.

Swim to Him

If you can’t wade out and throw to him then you must swim. Do not swim directly up to them, if possible keep out of their reach and throw them a lifeline so you can tow them back to safety. Its a natural reaction for a panicking person in fear of their life to grab hold of you and try to climb on top of you. If this happens you must free your self from their grip and swim out of their range. Clam them down, insist that they should resit thrashing around, and to tilt their head back and spread their arms out so they will float with ease. Once they are in this position you should approach from behind

If they start to panic again keep talking to them explaining what you are about to do and that you will have them out of danger and on dry land in no time at all. Its important to sound confident be calm and be constantly  reassuring when doing this.

The Royal Lifesaving Society UK run professional lifesaving courses and you should contact them to learn the many techniques that can be used to save someone from drowning, these unfortunately cannot all be learned nor mastered by reading a blog post on a black sock subscription journal for discerning gentleman.

Daniel sat up his bed and stretched comfortably in the morning sunlight. He reached to his bedside and switched off his alarm clock- it would go off soon, but he rarely woke up with it- he was a gentleman in every sense of the word, and would have taken pride in his punctuality and attention to detail if he had indulged himself with such things.

He crossed his neatly-arranged bedroom to the large walk-in closet, where his gentleman’s valet- a solid oak structure that organized his clothing and accessories for the day- stood proudly adorned in his fine clothes.

Except for his sock.

The sock that had been placed on the left, to be specific, for he had laid the perfectly matching pair on either side to better compliment his empty shoes and enable an efficient morning ritual. As a gentleman, he refused to curse or swear, but the small inconvenience disturbed in.

‘If I were a sock…’ he thought out loud as he searched the closet unsuccessfully for the mate. He dressed, in his remaining clothes, before setting off into the rest of his home to seek the elusive sock. There wasn’t a lonely sock in his drawer- true, he could have gotten a fresh pair at that time but the missing one had already consumed his attention. It didn’t appear to be in the hallway or any of the rooms. Daniel was stumped.

Daniel was in sock horror

Until he saw it- his sock, just around a corner that he could have sworn that he had checked previously. He ran towards it in his bare feet, and had nearly reached it when it was pulled back and disappeared from view. He stopped for a moment, shocked, yet still determined to solve the small mystery that had engaged his morning.

“Come back, please!” he called uselessly as he rounded the wall’s corner. There was nothing there- no sock and no sign of what had moved it. He was struck by how bizarre the situation truly was; a grown man, a gentleman at that, running barefooted through his home, chasing a rogue sock. He saw it, again, around the entryway to the kitchen.

‘I’m losing my mind… the timing is most unfortunate,’ he thought wryly as he chased the sock towards the kitchen, dedicated to catching it this time. But as he approached, the sock once again disappeared from view. He stopped, certain that he would see it again with patience; he was not disappointed. This time, the sock was lying neatly under the door to the laundry room.

This time, Daniel had a different approach- he crept up slowly, approaching the sock like a predator would stock its prey. When he was close enough, he lunged and barely caught the fabric in his fingertips before is slid out of his grasp and under the door. He was upset now, and flung the door open to see what had taunted him so terribly.

On the other side of the door, towering over him, was a massive creature. Easily over eight feet tall, it stooped slightly as it looked down. It had one large, bloodshot eye and a mouthful of uneven, razor sharp teeth, and claws that extended far past its thick fingers. It perched, unevenly, on one ragged leg and held, in its hand, the missing sock.

Daniel looked at the creature, then at his purloined sock, then at the creature’ single bare foot. “You keep it, old chap; I’ve plenty! Thanks to my sock subscription”

The creature nodded and twisted its face into something resembling a smile, climbed carefully into the dryer, closed the door and disappeared.

‘I guess that explains where my socks keep disappearing to!’ Daniel laughed to himself as he pulled a fresh pair from his drawer.

The jolly good chaps over at Eton have made this rather spiffing ‘Gangnam Style’ parody video. And we dare say we much prefer it over the original any day of the week.

The only thing its missing is a couple of mustaches and there is of course a distinct lack of socks.

UPDATE –

SOCKED TAKE CHART SENSATION PSY TO TASK WITH LEGAL ACTION OVER LATEST HIT SINGLE

Every now and then as an adventurous gentleman you will find yourself tens of thousands of feet up in the air, floating through the fluffy clouds like superman. But what do you do if you pull the cord on ones parachute and the blasted thing doesn’t open? To say you’d be in somewhat of a pickle is a understatement.

Stay calm, make a cup of tea and follow these steps;

Step 1
Upon realisation that your parachute has failed to open, you must indicate this to a fellow cloud surfing sky chum* who has yet to open their own chute. A good way to do this is to simply wave ones arms around and point at your chute.

Step 2
Providing your fellow sky chum is a A) a gentleman and B) doesn’t owe you money they will hopefully move over towards you. As soon as you are both face to face you must lock arms.

Step 3
The next stage is to secure yourself, do this by hooking your arms right the way up to your elbows into your sky chums chest strap or through both sides of the front of their harness, once yours arms are in place lock the position by grabbing hold of your own strap.

At this moment both yourself and your sky chum will be hurtling through the sky at terminal velocity which is approx 130 miles per hour and due to your combined weight mother nature will be throwing all kinds of somewhat unpleasant forces of nature at you both.

Tally Ho!

Step 4
Its a good idea at this stage for your sky chum to open his parachute, once this happens you will experience a very nasty massive shock, that if your lucky will only break your arms or at the very least pop them out of their sockets. This will hurt, but don’t cry no one likes a cry baby.

Step 5
Your live saving sky chum will now have to keep hold of you with one hand and use the other to steer the canopy, if their chute is large then your descent will be hopefully slow and enjoyable (well apart from the pain in your broken arms) until you land and if you’re lucky you may get away with a single broken leg. However if it is a small canopy they will have to steer hard to slow things down and the landing will be much worse.

If there is a sufficient body of water close by then its a good idea to head for that and you should get ready to tread some water, its worth pointing out that if you do land in water you will have to rely on your sky chum to get you to safety quickly before your chute takes on water and you go under.

Top Tip – Before attempting to jump out of a plane make your parachute is in good working order and perfectly packed.

*no sky chum? Simply flap your arms and fly away to safety.

For many Monday is the worst day of the week, the dread of having to haul ones self into work after a relaxing weekend is not always the most appealing thought.

FACT – All Cats hate Mondays #poppycock

Perhaps we can change your unhappy Monday into a fun Monday with a free pair of socks?

We will give away 1 pair of high quality men’s black socks for the best answer in our Mondays don’t need to suck competition!

To enter simply;

1. Head over to our Facebook page .

2. Like our page.

3. Answer this question  ” Where do odd socks go?” by writing your answer on our wall.

We will announce the winner on Friday 19th October 2012. Good luck

Terms

1. Open to UK residents only

2. No cash alternative will be offered

3. Prize is for 1 pair of socked black socks sized  6-11

Man Flu 10,000 Times Worse Than A Female Cold. Is There A Cure?

It’s that time of the year again, when Man Flu strikes hard at the very heart of masculinity. Man flu is one of man’s greatest fears. It can strike at any time and render any man worse than useless.

Man Flu is an instant and debilitating disorder, which hits without warning, rendering healthy males completely listless and entirely incompetent at even the simplest of tasks. The virus attacks the immune system 10,000 times harder than the common cold, and lasts nearly twice as long as a hangover.

Sir Michael Knight ‘Nurse’ Rider – Moments after this happy photo was taken Man Flu struck rendering him useless

Self-diagnosis is the best means of determining if the subject has Man Flu, as in most cases, nobody will believe that he is actually suffering at all. Due to genetic differences, women are immune from Man Flu.

Symptoms of Man Flu (men)

• Sneezing and coughing

• Hunger pains

• Losing the ability to see (except the television)

• Losing the ability to walk (except to the fridge and back)

• Losing the ability to do anything except groan in agony when observed by others

• Inability to visit the in-laws for the weekend

Symptoms of Man Flu (women)

• Nothing at all

Mark Hall, Gentleman Creation Officer at socked commented: “If Man Flu is kind enough not to kill the infected party it will leave him weak, sick, aching all over with a tell-tale craving for sandwiches, a cold beer, TV and plenty of rest.”

While it is common knowledge that there is no cure for Man Flu, Socked has conducted research which shows the following conventional methods exhibit the most promising results:

Wet socks

1. Warm your feet in hot water,

2. Soak a pair of socks in cold water, wring them out and put them on.

3. Put a pair of dry socks over the wet ones and go to bed.

The wet socks will help draw blood to your feet, thereby boosting circulation, which helps clear congestion.

Lay down flat and watch TV

Research has shown that by just watching and listening to TV for 30 minutes can boost levels of Immunoglobulin A (IgA), which is an immune protein that plays a critical role in defending against further infection.

Drink beer

Beer contains theobromine, a component that suppresses nerve activity responsible for coughing and has been found to be three times more effective in stopping persistent coughs than codeine.

Further research  finds a lower rate of Man Flu in confident, well-turned-out gentlemen who demonstrate good manners both toward their partners and to the world about them. A Sock subscription is just the first step toward this healing process.

Sir Michael Knight contemplated life before Man Flu

The answer to this one chaps is simple. NEVER.

For further information on when is it OK to ask a woman if she is pregnant? Please see the image below.

Have you ever found oneself in an embarrassing situation? Help out your fellow gentlemen by letting us all know, what not to do by leaving a comment below.

While the less mature will be sniggering at the back of the room and thinking about Katie Price, a true gentleman will know that spit roasting is an outdoor cooking technique used to produce outstanding food.

In fact it’s very simple to build; you’re simply taking the idea of using a roasting stick and basic support a little step further in order to be able to roast a larger item that you will have manly killed with a bow and arrow (or bought from the butcher) earlier such as a rabbit. Follow these instructions and you can be acting like Bear Grylls in no time at all.

First you need to place a Y support stick that will act as the legs at either side of your fire. Next, with your food already placed through the centre of the roasting stick simply slot each end of the roasting stick onto the Y’s.

It’s important to ensure that both of the support ends are planted safely into the ground and that the 3 sticks combined are sturdy enough to hold your dinner. You may want to add some extra support to the Y’s by attaching more sticks to each one, place these into the ground at an angle so they cross over at the base of the Y.

When cooking over an open fire with a spit roast, it’s important to remember to keep a close eye on your food to ensure it cooks correctly. Making sure it isn’t raw on one side, doesn’t burn and equally important to make sure you don’t set fire to your actual spit roast.

Gentleman have achieved some fine things such as building inventions in ones shed, fixing a broken down car and the ability to drink ale. But some say there is no finer way to show off ones skills as a gentleman than competing in the world beard and mustache championships.

Please enjoy these exceptional photos.

This post is for all the fair ladies who like to swoon at photos of cute animals. Please enjoy.

On occasion it is fun to gather ones chums for a jolly good time and a few stiff drinks, here is a simple fun game that all can play from within the comfort of ones own home.

The Gentlemen’s drinking game – Instructions

Step 1: Attach a mustache to your TV.
Step 2: Drink when it lines up to someone’s face.

Example

Play yourself

If one was to take some time away from day to day stresses and spent some time deep in thought pondering what sort of man they wanted to be, there would only be one clear choice.

James Bond. A never ageing, millionaire playboy and super spy who excels in both wit and intelligence, has the ability to drink a never ending amount of vodka Martinis, shaken not stirred of course and who can take down any evil force single handed.

To become a spy you must have the ability to learn many new skills and possess certain characteristics that make you worthy of becoming a spy. Its not a job for the faint-hearted and shouldn’t be attempted until you are confident that you can drive an Aston Martin backwards at high speed while firing someone out of a projector seat.

If you are wishing to become a spy this will serve as a handy guide to the skills, requirements and characteristics it takes to become a world wide secret agent.

Unfortunately for some your path towards becoming a spy will end here, as these are the most common character traits and skill sets amongst spies. The majority of these are not skills you can learn, you must be born already in the possession of them if you want to become the master of all spies.

Brain Power

The data gained by spying is called “intelligence” for a good reason. Every mission will call for for different skill set and you will have to learn, acquire and then put into action new found abilities in record time.

Have No Fear

Spying is not for the weak minded, as a spy you will put yourself in a number of dangerous situations, armed with only your wits and spy skills to save you from danger. You must ask yourself the question: Do I have what it takes to become a spy?

Think Fast, Act quick

A secret agent will find themselves in a variety of different situations, each one with its own unique problems that call for individual solutions. Unfortunately Q will not be at hand to provide you with a life saving super gadget, so you will have to be creative and make do with whatever means you have at your disposal.

Fancy Dress And Make Up Skills

A spy must be able to pass over top secret information and integrate themselves into different situations without been spotted or caught. To make this possible nothing is as important as a spy’s disguise.

Curiosity Killed The Cat Not The Spy

As all good spies know, you must be on high alert and remain both curious and vigilant at all times. You will have an inner voice that tells you to go check out all things potentially interesting, suspect or dangerous.

Dress Like A Gentleman

If you were not a spy you would be model, you will own a wardrobe full of designer suits and casual attire, such as a collection of cashmere black turtle neck sweaters, not only do these cover up and show off your upper body but they will also serve as excellent camouflage. Which is great for those tricky situations, such as having to scale a 80 story building in the middle of the night.

A Steel Liver

Being a spy is a dangerous tough job, with long hours and no sleep. Secret agents earn the right to a few stiff drinks both before, after and during a mission.

Sex Appeal

Secret agents will not just simply want to have sex, but they will posses a natural charm that will make other people want to have sex with them, at all times and in all situations. This may or may involve bower hats, deserted beaches or underwater volcano hide outs.

This chap failed the spy test

Weapons Knowledge

Obviously, to make it as a spy you have to possess a huge arsenal of different weapons, and know how to use them. This will include been handed never before seen or tested technology and having the ability to use it perfectly every time. Practice shots are not required nor allowed.

Driving skills

Spy’s have the knowledge to take control of any vehicle or moving object. The more powerful, complex and insane the mechanics and gadgets are the better.

Unfortunately in today’s society one only needs to get on a crowded train to witness the fact that there are very few true gentlemen remaining. Being gentleman is to be noble and is very much appreciated by both males and females alike.

But alas the way of gentlemen is becoming lost in today modern hectic world and gentlemanly ways are in serious danger of been forgotten, at a time when they are needed most.

A few basic good manners and etiquette will ensure that you leave a positive lasting memorable impression on all those that you encounter and with any luck your attitude will be copied by others, thus so you can make a real difference to society.

Below are some basic tips and guidance that if followed will ensure that you can project yourself in positive way, be seen as a man of excellent breeding, make your mother proud and encourage others to want to associate with you and conduct business affairs with you. And of course the ladies will of course always be pleased to meet a true gent.

This of course is not an extensive list,  just a few the very basics for every day etiquette for further knowledge please visit our gentleman tips section.

One should always be polite

On occasion you will encounter others that you do not agree with, it is important not to lower your standards and to keep ones head held high. This is not to be snooty or rude this is to be polite, kind and courteous and to show the world you are the better man.

To curse is to be rude

Swearing as your Mother will tell you is a no, its a no in all circumstances. By cursing you are merely showing that you have a distinct lack of vocabulary and an inability to express your thoughts appropriately. Furthermore it is rude and vulgar ,which is how people will remember you if you act in this manner.

Let others speak

You must always be courteous and let other finish what they are saying before adding your comments. To break this rule is a sign of poor social skills and a distinct lack of etiquette to both the person talking and to those that are listening. If however you want to be seen as rude and egotistical you may do so by interrupting others.

Do not spit

This should go without saying, however a great deal of men do this subconsciously. Spitting is horrid habit and to witness it only leads to instant disgust. Do not spit in public under any circumstances unless you want to look like you were raised in a sewer.

There is no need to shout

When a person speaks loudly or shouts, it does nothing but to raise the stress levels among your current company and of those who are in close vicinity. It implies that you are rude, show no consideration to others around you and that you cannot reason with others so you rely instead on brute force in order to get your point across. This will only draw negative attention towards you.

Do not lose your temper

By losing ones temper, you are simply showing the world that you cannot control your emotions and if you can’t control yourself then this implies that you cannot control anything else. It is important to remain calm at all times, on occasion this may prove difficult, however battle through it and people will take note of your level-headedness and admire you for it. Lose your temper and more fool you.

Do not stare

Ogling someone with unwanted attention is a vile act and women especially do not appreciate it. She will not admire you for it and he will find it the equivalent of psychological aggression which may lead them to believe you are attempting to intimidate them, which is always unacceptable behaviour.

We do hope these basic tips help you become a better gentleman, if you would like to learn more or have your own suggestion that you would like to submit, please visit our tips section here or leave a comment below.

Different types of pocket knifes, which one is for you?

For reasons on why you need a pocket knife click here

Picking a personal pocket knife is personal much like selecting the right pair of socks, it all comes down to personal style. You will want to select a knife that you can bond with, it should become an extension of your body, it should feel good in your hands. Get it right and the path to eternal manliness is one step closer.

The three most common pocket knifes are

1. The Jack knife

Invented by Jack ‘the man’ Hall in 1508 it has a single simplistic hinge at one end and although normally only comes with 1 blade you can get a Jack knife with more than one, the single blade option may also have a lockable action this is commonly known as the ‘lock knife’ this lockable action is recommended for heavy use. The Jack knife is popular with men who like hunting, camping and fishing.

2. The pen knife

Although the pen knife was originally named and designed to sharpen pen quills it is capable of a lot more. The knife will have hinges at both ends and will typically have two or three blades at each end making it ideal for a number of tasks that require different types of blades. The pen knife is also favorable as it is small and wont bulge in the pocket of dress clothes.

3. Multi-purpose knife.

These are by far the most poplar type of knifes. Most people will be familiar with the swiss army knife range, in addition to the knife blade, multi-purpose knives have multiple blades and options such as screwdrivers, bottle openers, tin can openers, scissors, leather punchers, tweezers, or even seat belt cutting blades.

The multipurpose knife will come in handy in a variety of situations from saving your teeth at parties when no bottle opener can be found, to freeing a damsel in distress tied to a rail way line.

Where can you buy one from?

If your Grandfather or Father hasn’t given you one (don’t hate them) you can pick on up from most outdoor or camping stores.

Being a gentleman comes with great responsibly, please note in the United Kingdom of Great Britain you can only carry a folding knife with a blade less than 3 inches, unless you fancy spending a long time at her Majesty’s pleasure you must never use it in a threatening manner.

Since time began it has been tradition for a gentleman to carry a pocket knife along with his cash, keys and smart phone

The History of the manly pocket Knife

Back in good old days of the 1st century it was the romans who invented the first folding knife, it was used mostly by soldiers, boy scouts and explorers when out and about on journeys and and conquests.

By the time the 16th century came along all the Romans where dead but the pocket knife continued to be popular anyone from a farmer to a doctor, gentlemen from all walks of life carried a pocket knife. It was the ultimate man tool and came in handy for all sorts of tasks including getting nails out of horses hoofs and eating, it is recommended that you clean your knife in between uses you can use a clean old sock for this.

Gentleman have been carrying pocket knifes for centuries, but now as gangs roam the streets using knifes for stupid irresponsible and harmful reasons that cannot be justified and the increase in security at airports and other buildings, the carrying of the pen knife is dying tradition.

We believe that the carrying of pen knife is a gentleman tradition that should be continued, ask your self how many times have you been in a situation for the thought to occur “Hmm if only i had a trust pen knife right now!” we bet quite often.

Here are some instances where having a pocket knife can make all the difference between being a man and not being a man

1. Opening a box.

Whipping out your own personal knife to open a box is about as manly as it gets.

2. Cutting rope, tags, and string.

Has the Girlfriend bought a new dress and needs the tags cutting off? No problem impress her with your man skills

3. Cutting and eating an apple. Like a man.

Step one – Hold the apple in the hand you don’t write with
Step two – Make a slice using your writing (dominate) hand
Step three – Pinch the slice using your thumb and knife blade
Step four – Bring the apple to your mouth and eat like a man.

4. Opening a letter.

Why open a letter with your fingers and risk ripping, using a knife is more precise and more manly.

6. Outdoor survival

Find a stick and sharpen, place a marshmallow onto the stick and hand to your Girlfriend. Sit back as she basks in your manliness.

7. DIY

Have the sudden urge to tighten or loosen a screw? No Problem

8. Swing from a rope like a man, by clenching your knife in your teeth.

Different types of pocket knifes, which one is for you?

If you know of any other manly uses for a pocket knife please leave a comment.