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Simple Meals For Gentlemen: No.1 The One Pan Carbonara

Simple Meals For Gentlemen: No.1 The One Pan Carbonara

The true gentleman – of course – has no need to cook for himself. He simply breakfasts on what kippers, toast, kedgeree, kidneys, chops, bacon, eggs, toasted cheese and strong fresh coffee his servants may bring for him as he rises in the morning. Then, he takes lunch with his friends or business acquaintances at a noted restaurant, before dinner with that scamp Wooster at the Drones Club; with perhaps more  kippers, toast, kedgeree, kidneys, etc as a snack before he retires.

However, this is no longer the 1920s, and there may come a time when a gentleman is faced with the need to cook for himself. Worse, he may also be expected to cook a meal for his gentlewoman. Faced with the daunting, alien environment of the modern kitchen, many a lesser gentleman has panicked and sent out for a takeaway, or purchased a ready meal from those damnably fine businessmen, Mr Marks and Mr Spencer. As fine as these meals may be, mark our words: This will not do.

Even the Swedish chef managed to impress his gentlewomen

As it happens, there are many simple recipes out there that even the most inept of would-be chefs can turn into the finest of meals for two. With the minimum of fuss, and with the cheapest of ingredients you’ve probably already got lying around, you shall – and will – eat like a King. And your gentlewoman will eat like a Queen, to boot.

We call this the One Pan Carbonara, for it is a carbonara that you cook in one pan.

Now, pay attention. This could save your life one day:

1. Cook enough tagliatelle (or any pasta) for two people. Put it to one side. Hint: You boil it.

2. Heat the now empty pan (see what we did there) and add one carton of Philadelphia spread. Stir until it’s runny.

3. Dice up the ham you were saving for your packed lunch, and put that in with a diced onion, some frozen peas and some frozen (or tinned) sweet corn. Keep stirring, and add some water if it looks a bit dry.

4. Stir in the pasta.

5. Serve to the admiring gasps of your gentlewoman.

We recommend a Californian white wine, even though it is still our firm belief that nothing good ever came from the colonies. However, two tins of the finest own brand lager will suffice, followed by a Vienetta, the dessert of Kings.

Pip pip!

The gentleman’s guide to swearing

Swearing. It is neither big nor clever, but let us assume that you already have a full and frank working knowledge of all the major swear words and profane expressions that blight the English language.

A true gentleman always keeps his cool, but there may come a time when certain, unpleasant language may be required. Even then, he must negotiate a minefield of manners, less he finds himself socially ostracised, in front of a magistrate, or fighting a duel to settle a matter of honour.

While a knowledge of swearing is of vital importance for the gentleman – how else would he know if he has been slandered with blackguardly language – it is essential that he knows what language is acceptable and where.

Don Cheadle Says No To Swearing

In the normal circumstances, the gentleman should NEVER sink so low as to use the following terms:

We are aware that this removes most of the modern gentleman’s arsenal from popular use, but these rules still allow for a certain – barely acceptable – amount of profanity. Instead, we recommend words that are not profane, but can be taken as an insult without causing offence to innocent ears. “You, sir, are a …

…of the first water, damn your eyes”. Anything stronger than this is not the language of a gentleman and should be avoided at all costs.

When not to swear

1. In church. The only exception to this is during the singing of Good King Wenceslas at the Christmas Carol Concert, where the final verse contains the line “Heat was in the very sod”, which may be bellowed at the top of your lungs.

2. At the race course. A gentleman retains his manners no matter how badly his horses have run. However, he may be excused if he has backed an amusingly named steed such as “Monster Dick”, whose name may be shouted all the way to the finishing post.

3. When meeting royalty. The only exception being – of course – if the Duke of Edinburgh is present, then it’s all hands to the pump.

4. When run over by a horse and cart at Oxford Circus. It is at these life-changing moments that decorum should be maintained. On espying your shattered lower limbs, a mere “dash and blast it, now I shall be late for the Savoy” will suffice before blacking out.

Of course, there is a time and a place for swearing. The smoking room of a gentlemen’s club is acceptable, as long as house rules are obeyed, as would be the Regimental Officer’s Mess, but only after the port has been passed.

However, there is only one place for the language of the tavern, and that is in the tavern itself with the low-lifes, the layabouts and the thieves. Alas, no gentleman should find himself there without good excuse.

Mind your manners, gentlemen.


How to Hold a Gun

WARNING: A gun is not a toy.

A gentleman should never need to hold or carry a gun except under the most exceptional of circumstances. Even then, he should be aware of the extreme consequences that mishandling the weapon could have both upon himself and those around him. For example: Injury, death and blackballed from the gentlemen’s club for a period of up to – but not exceeding – thirty days.

A gentleman should never even approach a gun until he has been given a full safety brief and he is fully satisfied that he can handle and use it safely. That being said, the accomplished marksman can derive years of pleasure, be it from target shooting, firing at clays, or simply stamping around fields with other gentlemen massacring all forms of local wildlife as nature intended.

Chief Wiggum is not holding the gun correctly

For all firearms, whether firing a rifle or a pistol on a range, or a shotgun in a field, the general principles remain the same:

1. On first receiving the weapon, ensure that it is not loaded. It is poor shooting etiquette to hand someone a loaded weapon, unless there is a designated loader. If the gun is loaded, ensure that the safety is on.

2. ALWAYS point the weapon down the range. You will find your former friends stamping on your face and blackballing you from the club if you develop a tendency toward pointing guns at them. Take it from me, being shot at is not an experience I wish to repeat a second time in my life.

3. Only fire when given permission to do so. If you are one of a group of gentlemen massacring all forms of local wildlife as the nature intended (see above) it is considered poor form to shoot the beaters, as much as it is considered inappropriate to knock the helmet off a police constable after a night carousing at the Drones Club.

Little Lord Snooty Pants Goes Shooting With His Dog

4. Respect your weapon and it will respect you. You are not James Bond (unless you are accessing this page from MI6 servers) or some Gangsta rapper, so prancing about shooting one-handed is only going to get somebody killed. Probably you. Remember: Every day in the United States, there are 45 accidental shooting incidents.

5. Recoil hurts. With pistol, rifle, shotgun or Uzi 9mm, ensure your weapon is held firmly. I’ve seen Flash Harrys with broken noses because they thought they were Rambo, so if you can’t hold a deadly weapon properly, hand it over and watch from a distance.

6. BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM. Oh yes, ear defenders.

7. Ensure the magazine is empty (if it has one) and manually check the chamber is clear.

8. Store your weapon safely (not sexy slang)

9. Go home via the pub and brag about your prowess until everybody’s thoroughly sick of you.

Congratulations, you’ve just shot something. To learn how to hold a Gnu click here


How to Hold a Gnu

WARNING: A gnu is not a toy.

A gentleman should never need to hold or carry a gnu except under the most exceptional of circumstances. Even then, he should be aware of the extreme consequences that mishandling the animal could have both upon himself and those around him. For example: Injury, death and blackballed from the gentlemen’s club for a period of up to – but not exceeding – thirty days.

This is a Gnu it is different to a Gun

For all gnu and wildebeest and antelope of the genus Connochaetes, the general principles remain the same:

1. Go to the zoo

2. Hang around the wildebeest enclosure all day

3. Whenever you see a zoo keeper ask “Can I hold your gnu?”

4. Come back every day for a month until they relent and let you hold a gnu.

5. Hold the gnu, probably by some sort of bridle arrangement, we haven’t thought this far ahead to be honest

6. Go home via the pub, and brag about you gnu-holding prowess until you get thrown out

Congratulations, you’ve held your first gnu. To learn how to hold a Gun click here